Wednesday, October 1, 2008

6 days

I guess I can't possibly put this off any longer since I am getting tired. There is something about the 6 days that has me all bunched up inside.

Maybe its how I started my day.

I woke up about 715 or so and Grayson had not yet waken. He is usually up between 6-8 but more often than not its closer to 6. So as I lie there semi-dozing I drifted back into dreamland. Somehow I ended up in a HORRIBLE dream where I left Grayson in the car in an apartment parking lot. He managed to get out of his car seat and open the van door with the auto button and wander off. By the time I came back (I never leave him in the car- for the record!) he had wandered into a pool and drowned. I jumped in to get him but it was too late.

It was the most horrific dream I have ever had. I woke myself and Zack up with my hysterical sobs. I have never felt so much anger and sadness in my life. I had done it. It was my fault.

I had to go and check on Gray to make sure he was just asleep in his crib. He obviously was, with his little tush up in the air.

I have tried all day to get rid of the feeling but it just really left me feeling shaken.

I know this is somehow related to Jonathan and I am sure Elle will have a great dream analysis that will make me feel better and not want to kill myself when I think about that feeling again. If anyone has any great insight into dreams I would love to hear it. I am floundering.

I don't know what it is about 6 days but all of a sudden I want to run and scream and hide in my bed and never get out. I don't want to deal. I don't want to go to the hospital. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to face reality that this is my life.

I want to wake up. I want to be someone else. I want things to be as they were. I want to be blissfully naive. I want it to be over.

6 days. So far and yet so close.


Anonymous said...

I just wanted you to know that even though I don't know you, I will be praying for you this week to have the strength to deal with everything. I'm sorry you had such a horrible dream!

Random Steph said...

I've now deleted two comments - I start typing and then think what I'm saying is probably not helpful. So this is my last try, and if I muck it up, please delete it.

Jaimey, this SUCKS! But I LOVE you. And Jonathan. And Grayson. You ARE a wonderful Mommy. Nothing will ever change that.