Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A day of Firsts

Today was a day of firsts.

My SIL and BIL are still being amazing and keeping our house clean and tidy and watching G and such. Today they got both kiddos ready and headed out the door to Silver falls with them. It was the first time have let G go on a long car ride with someone besides me. Zack has not even taken him out of the area without me, much less an hour and half away. Not that I am anal or anything (giggle- snort) but we just go everywhere together for the most part. But today I got brave so that I could get some birthday stuff done for Zack. I cried as soon as the car left. :( First time I cried when my child left me too.

It was also a first day without anyone around me since I had Jonathan and one of the few days I have ever had without Grayson. I almost always have my little shadow running after me and as much as I long for time alone I missed him the second he was gone and almost called them to tell them to come back. Almost. I decided it was a growing experience for me to let him be with them. So I grew.

Zack is turning 30 tomorrow and I have been so busy trying to birth Jonathan and get through my days that I have focused little on my husband- sadly and reluctantly. Today was all about him. I will post tomorrow the photos of the gifts but today they are still secret.

It was also a first for me going to the funeral home to pick up Jonathan's cremains by myself. I hope to never have to do it again. I sobbed all the way from downtown Hillsboro to the end of town and while I was able to maintain some sort of decorum inside I lost it almost the second I got out the doors. I sobbed all the way to the car and as soon as I got in the car I realized what I was holding for real and I just lost it completely.

I don't think I have ever sobbed that hard in my life. Its hard to believe I only got 3 hours with my beautiful little boy. And that is all I get. Forever. I realized I should not have gone there myself. Probably the first time for that too.

this post is seeming to get all wonky so on that note goodnite.


Heather said...

Goodnight my love, we don't expect you to hold it together, it's good to let it out and I am glad that you did!! Good job growing today Mom, you did good!!

Anonymous said...

and many more to come...seriously you are only human!! Happy Birthday to Zach!! wow 30 is old!! Hope you all had a great day!!

Geneva said...

Oh Jaimey girl...I'm so sorry you went through that all alone.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthaday Zach!!!! What a milestone! Jaimey, its amazing that you are even able to think beyond your own grief right now. It is remarkable that you are able to pull it together and serve Zach in the midst of everything. This year will be many "firsts". Just allow yourself to grieve and to give yourself lots of grace during this time. Diddo on a previous commment of we don't expect you to hold it together. You have just experienced one of the most heart wrenching tragedies in your life. Today I will pause and say a prayer for all the infant losses people have experienced, but will say a special one for your family!

Lindsey Bunjes said...

Happy Birthday Zack!