Today was a day of firsts.
My SIL and BIL are still being amazing and keeping our house clean and tidy and watching G and such. Today they got both kiddos ready and headed out the door to Silver falls with them. It was the first time have let G go on a long car ride with someone besides me. Zack has not even taken him out of the area without me, much less an hour and half away. Not that I am anal or anything (giggle- snort) but we just go everywhere together for the most part. But today I got brave so that I could get some birthday stuff done for Zack. I cried as soon as the car left. :( First time I cried when my child left me too.
It was also a first day without anyone around me since I had Jonathan and one of the few days I have ever had without Grayson. I almost always have my little shadow running after me and as much as I long for time alone I missed him the second he was gone and almost called them to tell them to come back. Almost. I decided it was a growing experience for me to let him be with them. So I grew.
Zack is turning 30 tomorrow and I have been so busy trying to birth Jonathan and get through my days that I have focused little on my husband- sadly and reluctantly. Today was all about him. I will post tomorrow the photos of the gifts but today they are still secret.
It was also a first for me going to the funeral home to pick up Jonathan's cremains by myself. I hope to never have to do it again. I sobbed all the way from downtown Hillsboro to the end of town and while I was able to maintain some sort of decorum inside I lost it almost the second I got out the doors. I sobbed all the way to the car and as soon as I got in the car I realized what I was holding for real and I just lost it completely.
I don't think I have ever sobbed that hard in my life. Its hard to believe I only got 3 hours with my beautiful little boy. And that is all I get. Forever. I realized I should not have gone there myself. Probably the first time for that too.
this post is seeming to get all wonky so on that note goodnite.