You know it's been far too long since you posted when your URL bar has no idea what you want when you start typing and your user name and password are no longer saved. Sorry. If a little blog could collect cobwebs this one would be for sure! So let me blow off the dust and take a second to gather my thoughts....
pardon my morning hair
ah yes, that's better. How is this holiday season treating you?! We are well. I am SO happy to be able to say that. We honestly have not had any major sicknesses and we are actually doing fairly well financially too this year. I am not working at T, and that is something to be Thankful for!
I discovered the joy of Amazon Prime this year. Prime entitles it's subscribers to free two day shipping on anything Prime eligible, which is most everything Amazon sells directly. I have done ALL of the shopping on their. The best part is I got prime for free! I signed up for the amazon mom club which gets you discounts and such and Prime for free for 3 months. Every $25 you spend in the baby store you get an additional month, up to a year free. I am up to March. I know this is not the most helpful post since it comes the week before Christmas and I am sorry for that. Also, you don't have to be a mom, anyone who is in the presence of children and would buy from the baby store (clothes toys, diapers etc) can sign up.
Anyway, we are mostly the same as the last time I posted something of value. Zack is working a ton. He has been traveling 2-4 days a week for the last 5-6 weeks. It makes for a long week for everyone involved and Jaxon has started to think Dada lives in the phone since when it rings he calls it Dada and gets very excited! But I think that is done for a while. There was some job restructuring at work and the person who was traveling wasn't anymore. It won't be in Zack's permanent job description we don't think... we hope.
When he is home on the weekends we have been trying to pack in as much as possible. I will try to get to that stuff soon. This month of travel has just slammed me. Noone to help with anything makes for a very tired mama at the end of the day.
I have been working in the classroom for G a lot. He loves it. We really love the school. I can't say enough about Teacher P and her way of doing things and I expand my parenting tool belt every time I am in her presence. I am so glad I made that choice. Jaxon on the other hand is not so happy to be away from me. He has just turned 11 months (HOLY cow how did that happen!?!) and is pretty much in the thick of separation anxiety. He screams most of the time I am gone at preschool. :( Not sure if he isn't digging the situation or that he isn't home or if it's simply that I am not there but I am going to play with it and switch caregivers/ locations (Grandma/Nonny and our house) and see if anything changes.
Grayson is loving school and asks every single day if it is a school day. The next 2 weeks are going to be interesting. Hopefully we will get together with some of our school friends over break. He is learning so much. Teacher P just charms them all. One of our favorite new catch phrases that we learned at school is "friends help/love/? friends" it helps him to think less of himself and more of the other person but with out so many words. It works well for brothers too. I use it a lot. Teacher P is full of them! And everything is sung. Did you know that you could be saying the WORST thing and if it is sung it takes the edge off and makes it so much less threatening? Child doesn't want to clean up and move on... sing it! I have always used that because I learned it as a nanny but it's a lovely refresher.
Jaxon is getting big and learning something new every day. This week was how to take off his diaper. more than once I would see a naked bum streak by and then this on the floor not so far away. Oy. I guess I need to get on that diaper stash I have to make, his diapers are on their last legs. I have already thrown out 12 that have been in rotation for almost 4 years, and most of them were hand-me-downs. I just dread making that many diapers again. It's daunting. But I have wayyy-too-many-yards of fabric stating the obvious... I gotta get on it.
Next month we fly to San Diego for a week. We will be there for the boys birthdays. We are all very excited to see everyone. Grayson can't wait to fly on a place. We are flying in super late on Friday night, but it was over $200 cheaper than Sat morning. I am hoping they sleep instead of scream the whole flight!
Anyway, I hope this post finds you well this holiday season and thanks for still reading, as sporadic as it may be. :)
Hey! Guess what?! I JUST remembered that thing I used to do, Thankful Thursday, remember? I can't really remember the last time I did it... pre Jax maybe? Ah, here it is. I guess my little brain just couldn't hold onto Thankful Thursday's when Jax was about to come. And after, forget-about-it.
Well, my brain is clearing and I have a new-to-me Lappy. (Thank YOU!) Life is good!
Today I am Thankful for: 1. Zack having a job. If you have read this little blog a while you understand.
2. New-to-me Lappy. Dino is unhappy and old and groany. This makes life easier. Again, THANK YOU!
3. That Jax is adjusting to his cast and can now crawl (army) and get back up when he falls over and even pull himself up on the ottoman. The pediatrician says he is fine to do whatever he is able while he is casted.
4. Our new pediatrician. We were forced into "looking" for a new ped when our beloved ped retired. One of the boys needed to see someone for something and I said we would just see whoever was available, we met Dr. V and LOVE her. She is through and kind and friendly. Oh and she likes the kids too. :) She called us personally today, TWICE to answer questions I had about J's cast/break.
5. Having my mom here. I never thought I would say it. She came over today to help me out and play with the boys so I could get some cleaning done. Jax has been quite the cling on since his break. She tidied up while she and Grayson played and Jax took an extra long nap. It was great not to have a trashed house for a few minutes.
What is Newton's 3rd law of motion? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So basically when I made the appointment for a family photo session with Elle for last Sunday I should have seen it coming. I mean who hasn't seen the kid with the black eye or the cut on the face only to have their mother turn and say "yup, school pictures this week. Figures!"
I should have seen to coming!
Saturday when we were hanging out at home after I had slept in a bit (yum) and Jax was playing on my lap in the recliner. He would hang over the left arm and pull himself back up. Over and over. The last time he did it he pushed with his feet with all his might. I had an arm over his back for support but it wasn't enough. I tried to catch him with my right hand but his little foot slipped through.
My baby fell on his head. :( Worst. Mommy. Ever.
I scooped him up. He was crying pretty hard. I tried to access this situation, looking for blood and bumps. Nothing. He had no raising lumpies to speak of.
After a few more minutes of comforts and love he was done with me. I set him down on the floor by the slide (yes we have one in the family room) and tried to get him to crawl up. He cried. So I helped him do down. He laughed and had fun doing that a few times. Then I offered for him to try again. He tried to crawl and he just fell over and cried.
I thought maybe his equilibrium was off, being that he just smacked his head on the floor. More snuggles. A bit later he tried to crawl again with the same result. At this point it was about 5 minutes from the fall and I looked at Zack.
"I think it's broken. His arm. I think we need to take him in now"
He wanted to wait a bit and see if he felt better in a few minutes, but I knew. Something was wrong. I gathered us all together and headed for Urgent Care. $40, 2 Xrays and 1 screaming-held-down-looking-at-me-like-HOW-COULD-YOU-MAMA baby later and it was confirmed. Broken Wrist. Both bones. Our best guess is he had his hands down when he fell and "caught" himself with his hand. It was tiny and hard to see on the Xray and our photo is even worse so I will spare you. He is in a temporary cast for at least a week (though our apt for a real cast is the 11th- does that seem too FAR to anyone else? They said they would see us again this week but then the apt person called she said they wanted to see me NEXT week. Almost 2 weeks after the break...) I feel horrible. Poor little guy! He can't crawl, though he tries to arm crawl sometimes. Mostly he just gets annoyed because he loses his balance and falls over and can't get up on his own. Luckily, he doesn't seem to be in any pain. He has been quite the trooper through it all. Now to get a cast to look 'cool' for those family photos I have to reschedule.
He seems to be falling down the charts for weight, just like his brother did. My family tends to breed skinny little beans. Apparently our children will not be left out. His last stats can be seen here. And the ones before here. And here.
Loves: milk playing with Grayson clapping (learned yesterday) milk anything edible, and even some stuff that shouldn't be laughing snuggling sleeping on his tummy milk crawling being "independent" being carried in the Ergo
Dislikes: loud noises being sat on or tossed around by G being cold the stroller being kept from a nap
9 month shoot with Elle
tomorrow we have family photos with Elle, stay tuned!
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
I have learned in the last few years when planning for the future, hope for the best, plan for the worst and enjoy the ride because that is the best you can do. There are no guarantees, just now.
I guess my short term goal is to be the best mother and wife I can be. I know I have a lot of room for improvement in both areas and work daily to do better.
In the next year I would like to (in no order): 1. make our back yard less of an eye sore 2. make and put drapes in our formal living room and dining room 3. get pregnant 4. work things for my etsy site 5. work on the children's scrapbooks
Wallet keys a ton of loose receipts female products... just in case a few loose candies from the movies the other night a chapstick 2 lipsticks camera old checkbook coupons lotion and a few granola bars
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death
My worst habit has become letting too much time pass between contact with the people I care about while I hide under a rock. Whether it be a neighbor I enjoy chatting with or a family member I miss and wish I got to chat with more, excuses seem pleantiful since we found out about Jonathan. I don't know if it was THAT phone call that did it in for the phone conversations or what but since then I would prefer almost any form of communication that the phone.
I am finding it easier to get out and about as time passes. When I was still pregnant with Jonathan I wanted nothing to do with life outside my house. People would ask me about my pregnancy. "Is it your first" No. "Are you so excited?!"... at which point I was faced with a) dump the whole pile of stinky shit on their feet... NO! MY CHILD IS GOING TO DIE! b) lie and say Yup! Sure am! Meanwhile I am dying inside. or c) avoid. avoid. avoid.
I avoided. It was hard to recover from that habit, but I am trying. If you haven't heard from me in a while know that it is not personal, I am working on it and in the meantime, pick up the phone and CALL ME!!
Yesterday Sunday: wake early (630) with Jax after having already been up twice, not that I am complaining, feed, play. 930-130 work the children's consignment sale so I could shop at the presale last week. Supposed to have family pics but we got rained out. Head home to clean and play with the boys. 630/7 boys to bed. Start evening projects: working on cloth diaper gift baskets for the preschool auction. (email me at email@example.com if you are interested in coming or bidding on anything! It helps keep our school running) I offered to make 3! baskets with 2 cloth diapers, 10 wipes, a wetbag and a gift certificate for 2 more diapers.
Me to bed, 1130/12.
Jax is up 3x in the night/morning, 10, 4, 6. He might be working on more teethers....
Monday: wake with the kiddos 730. Coffee!!, feed, eat, coffee! Preschool 9-12. Errands, Jax nap and work on diapers while asleep. Pick up G. Help auction chair get a glass table top donation to her home, my car is bigger. Lunch at home. G work on art projects while I attempt to get Jax down for a nap. Make dinner in the crock pot. Cloth diaper party 3-5 (like a tupperware home party but cloth diapers.) Home, feed/eat. Zack home play with kiddos. 630/7 boys to bed. Clean kitchen. Mom calls to remind me I said I would pick up a desk she bought and drop it off. (forgot!) Stop by $ tree to get baskets for diapers and find out debit card I activated today doesn't work. grrrr.
Home to work on diapers and folding my own so my baby has a clean bum tomorrow. Diapers finished except for snaps on the tabs! YAY!
bed tonight 12.
Tuesday plan: wake, eat, COFFEE! 10-11 Boob group for bf advice and Halloween party. 1130 Jax has his 9 month apt. After that: lunch, play, attempt to clean something (it's a bit like trying to shovel snow while it's still snowing.) Make dinner, play, clean something. 7-9 parent teacher training for preschool. Wish on stars as I leave that Jax is semi kind to his father and doesn't scream too long while I am gone. Come home, put snaps on diapers. Make two wet bags.
Bed hopefully by 11.
Wednesday: preschool 9-12. Nothing else planned which really means there is a LOT of room for chaos. :) Get home and work on wipes for diaper baskets.
Thursday: 930 meet with friends for walk at the library if it isn't pouring. 11 library to swap out books. Possibly out of this world pizza for lunch. pm: work on diaper baskets etc.
Friday: Diaper baskets DUE! Hopefully they are finished. preschool 9-12. Trick or treating at the mall 3-5. Harvest party 6-9
Saturday: attempt failed photos at 130. Halloween party with kids 4-530. Halloween party sans kids 6-...
Sunday: neighbors get together for games and spooky fun then trick or treating around 5? 630-930 harvest party at another friends church.
Somewhere in there I plan to feed us all, bath us all and clean things... though judging from the usual laundry mountain (which is DONE right now!!) I usually suck at that by about mid week. Happy Halloween week!
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
is a wonderful website devoted to people who have lost their infant or any number of tragedies. There is information on just about everything and a forum for grieving parents to talk to other grieving parents and try to make sense of it all. I met many wonderful people in there who were very helpful and kind and loving while we were on our journey with Jonathan. I don't really frequent it anymore but I highly recommend it to anyone who is faced with the death of an infant or child and is looking for a place to reach out to. If they don't have the answer they can at least point you in a direction.
Like a thousand years ago I nannied for a family where both parents worked full time. I was more of a house manager as I made sure the house ran smoothly by hiring workers and cleaners and doing all the groceries and dry cleaning etc. I also cooked for the family most nights. I got this recipe from the mom. We are not friends anymore, sadly. I really liked her in the beginning. It went south after we got too close and I had opinions of my own. (NOTE to nannies: Your boss is NOT your friend. It almost NEVER works out)
Anyway, she used to make this recipe and ask me to as well. Since I can't ask her for it now I found a similar one online and here it is.
4 whole boneless chicken breasts (8 breast halves)
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
oops maybe I should finish this here blog post instead of just having it scheduled with nothing in it...
I used to scrapbook. I love it. LoveD is more correct I guess. I started doing quicker versions of what I do when I was in high school and went on a cross country trip with my grandma. I had all these photos and the big idea to do a huge album with them and all the momentos I picked up along with way.
I never finished it.
Others did get finished however. An album for my charges I used to care for, various years of Zack's and my life together. Our wedding album.
I was doing pretty good at keeping up with the scrapbook of our daily lives until Grayson came along. I got a little sidetracked with his album that I wanted to be his first two years of life. I got about 9 months in and got a little sidetracked again. Our family album has not been touched since I was pregnant with G.
I went to craft night with some friends last night and realized as I worked on Grayson's album that I may be avoiding my albums. If I finish G's album I have Jaxon's and well at some point I have Jonathan's. That one is painful to remember. It is hard enough to look back at my blog and read what I was going through but to put it on paper (which takes WAY longer) and make it a hard copy, well, I just don't think I am ready.
Losing a child changes who you are. It changes your thinking and it changes you in ways you may never know until they pop up sometime later. Like this. Who knew it would affect my scrapbooking? But it has.
I probably have a few running around. Singing? hmmm, nope that's not it. I sound so horrible I scare small children... okay not that bad. I have never made small children cry. Though I was once told "Jaimey, please don't sing" When I was singing in the car with my charges once. I think that might have been more about my hogging the song than my actual voice though. Either way.
Singing is NOT my talent.
Organization? Have you seen laundry mountain? Nuff said. It's actually HIGHer today.
Sewing! Yes, I think that is the one I want to claim. Here is this post, I just posted last night but wrote in April. ooops. Though I don't know if it's talent more than a passion and a genetic probability given my mom and grandma and many of my aunts sew.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding. When I got married 9 years and 2 months ago (today) it was the happiest day of my life. (I have since had children, love you honey but they win. ) I digress. I had dreamed of my wedding, like most little girls, my whole life. I knew I wanted a bit white dress and in the dream wedding I wanted to be barefoot on the beach. We almost had that dream wedding but we traded it for the wedding of OUR dreams but having the person marry us the Zack wanted. He would only do it indoors so as not to lose the meaning and words in the wind. It was a lesson in compromise that has served me well. Marriage is just that. A compromise. It is never about just one of you again. It is about 2 of you, then 3 then 4 and so on... I am happy that I married the man I did. Marriage isn't perfect, but it's not supposed to be. It is forever a lesson in compromise.
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Photographs always get me. A mother and child. Children playing. Every time. There is something about photos, the freezing of time, the permanence. I love it.
One of my favorites in not digital because I took it on film and I have not gotten around to scanning my THOUSANDS of negatives... even though I have had a scanner to do so for 4? years! It is of the little girl I used to nanny, Emily, and she is playing her little pool after her afternoon nap. The lighting was perfect and she had just glanced up for a second. I caught a magic glimmer in her eyes that I love, matching the blue in her swimsuit. Always one of my faves.
I will see if I can find it and upload it tonight...
Is it me or is this a repeat? It just so happens I love music so it's easy for me to pick out a dozen or more songs that make me cry. :) I love this song by pink but so much more so after I saw this performance.
That's right!! We officially and for sure get to keep it. (knock on wood... *doing a please-keep-the-fire-hurricanes-earthquakes-etc-away dance*) We have signed everything on the dotted lines and completed our modification. Woohoo!
Thank you to everyone who sent out prayers, warm thoughts, and IRL/virtual hugs along the way! It totally helped!!
Beyond that obvious point, I really love my neighbors. I wish one hadn't moved away, ahem! It's not too late to move back... but aside from that we really do have a great neighborhood of people. I also like the set up and way it's layed out. It flows well for us.
Now if it just came with a housekeeper, it's smidge too big.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
I can't say I have read a non- fiction book. I read many a blog that are meaningful to me though, so I will share some of those. Like Boo, she is my friend who recently lost two of her 5 kiddos in a house fire. She is one of the most amazing woman I have had the pleasure to know. Or Krista, you may remember her to be one of the most instrumental people in my navigating through our journey with Jonathan. She lost her baby, Candace, to Anencephaly a year and half before us. Or Bakerella. Her cake pops make my mouth water and my creative juices burst. So cute!
I guess the point is that all off these people have meaning to me because they help me heal and keep my mind focused.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
I picked up Jodi Picoult novels not long after we lost Jonathan. Some were harder to read than others. All of her stories are about "real" people and the choices they make in their lives. They have to choose between the best friend that accidentally killed their child or honoring the child that is gone. Or having another child to create a ready-made donor for your existing sick and dying child. Never easy choices. Never cut and dry.
I identified with them, though the stories were not the same because with Jonathan we had to choose. When we found out at 17 weeks that something was wrong with Jonathan and the next day what was wrong, we had to decide. To terminate or to carry. Everyone faced with choices of this nature think they have all the answers before the question is asked and then you get there and the answer is just not as clear cut as you once though it to be.
Carseats. Consumer Reports sights that 4 out of 5 children's car seats are installed incorrectly. I remember the moment I became a self appointed "car seat Nazi". I was a nanny for a family with one little girl. She was 2 and one day dad asked for my car seat so he could run some errands. Mom had the other one in her car so I took the seat out of my car and put it in his. I didn't install it. I just put it on the seat in his SUV. The next morning I went to get the car seat which was still in his car. It was not buckled in- AT ALL. I asked Dad if he had unbuckled it for me? He looked at me blankly. Turns out he had not even buckled it IN. He had assumed I did all that and just put her in her seat and took off.
Luckily, nothing happened. They got home safe and sound and no one was hurt. It could have been worse. Much worse. Every day you hear stories of children in car seats installed wrong and injured or killed because of it. After that day I demanded permanent car seats in my car at every nanny job I took. Not because it's too hard to take in and out but because it just leaves too much room for error. In hindsight I should have installed the car seat myself, since I knew what I was doing. I should not have assumed Dad did. I have never assumed that since. For anyone. I don't leave that in the hands of others. My charges seats in the past or my own children's seats in the present. So ya, I'm OCD about my car seats. And I am okay with it.
For the record I recently took my car to a professional car seat technician for inspection and am happy to report that I received a gold star and 100% approval for my installation. :)
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now. I remember thinking when I was a kid that I was never going to get to be a grown up. 16 seemed sooo far off, driving a car?! oh my gosh! Being a mom?! FOR-E-VER away!
And now 16 has come and gone a HALF a lifetime ago. Literally. I could cry I feel so old! Life feels like it is in warp speed, racing past me. How do I slow this ride down?! I don't want off I just want to slow it enough to watch and enjoy a little. I feel like by the time I realize it something is over. :( My dad says it only gets faster! Whose idea was that? I think we should boycott.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
As this photo says this was taken in 1997. The year I graduated high school. This is two of my dearest friends. Both I have been friends with since kindergarten. 26 years. WOW.
Belle, the middle one, used to visit her dad on San Diego. He lived right on the bay so when she was in town we would have sleep overs and get together for a weekend. Typical girls weekend in the teen years. Lots of pillow fights and ripping our clothes off stupid movies, junk food and shopping. And the beach. I love the beach. The salty air, the seagulls- well I guess I could live without those, the people watching. Especially in a place like Mission Beach. It is a hot spot for people watching. "Ken" is a good example of this. He would roller skate by almost every weekend as we sat on the deck watching the bay.
Bonnie, on the right, moved to Washington when we were 14 and is one of the prime reasons we moved here. Her family helped raise me. We grew up on the same street and I was at her house many nights and weekend through most of my childhood.
This photo makes me happy. I was so excited for the rest of my life. I had friends I could trust (still do). And looking at this photo you would think everything could be perfect. But it wasn't. I know looking at this photo that I was in a very tumultuous relationship that often bordered on abusive. I had no real idea how I was going to leave. I obviously figured that part out, and how to avoid those types of people. I think I learned from all that people watching on the beach.
Looking at this photo makes me happy for my life now. I wouldn't trade this for all the youthful ignorance for anything in the world. I might pay a little to have that body back though...
After we left the pumpkin patch yesterday we went to my friend Heidi's in-laws farm for pumpkin carving. It is a gorgeous piece of property with a 150? year old farm house, a few cows and creeks and amazing plants everywhere.
They had set up the barn with tables and carving tools. Heidi and I.
The boys and G's punkie.
We had a fabulous time hanging out with our friends! Heidi used to live in our area, splitting time between here and AZ. We have boys the same age. We met through gdiapers and have been chatting on the internet almost daily since.
A few of the end products.
My fave. There was a giant spider too but it left before I could grab a pic.
It's Lake View farms season! I can't believe it is already October! We decided to attempt to go to the pumpkin patch with some friends today. It was spitting raining fairly steadily most of the night and morning. It held back most of the time we were there, content just to keep up damp. Or in my case, make my glasses foggy. Joy.
We braved it anyway.
The boys in the "centipede"
A and Grayson as like two pigs in a sty?
The Buquet family strikes a dorky pose. :)
This is Jaxon's new "shy" look. He often does it when people he doesn't know talk to him. Many times he will duck his head totally down and hide his head under an arm.
That one is a little better.
Riding the train to get to the punkies. We rode the boat back.