Monday, September 29, 2008

Groundhog Day... or 7 days to go

As the time falls through the hour glass I have been thinking about after. After Jonathan is born and its time to leave the hospital. When its time to let him go, and say goodbye. What happens then?

I have known since the beginning that the time would come, and while it seems like an eternity ago when we found out. It's also like yesterday. And the next day.

It's like Groundhog Day.

If you are not familiar with this Bill Murray movie its where this guy finds himself living the worst day of his life... over and over... and over again. Eventually he gets that he will keep living this day again and again so he might as well make the best of it.

Anyway, I digress. What do we do when we have had a baby and not been able to bring him home? Do we get a refund? There is this commercial on the radio right now for a fertility clinic that does this special en vitro fertilization process that guarantees you leave the hospital with a baby or your money back. That kills me. It is hysterical to me that someone thinks they can guarantee anything in life much less a child.

There are no guarantees in life. None. None that you will live to a ripe of age. None that you will live happily ever after. None that your child won't die before you.

I love that our society is so arrogant as to think that they deserve to have any such guarantee. They throw away everything they have as one time use and then expect other things to be completely permanent and without negotiation. As if it is possible to have it both ways.

I know that my heart will continue to break for many days and weeks and months and probably years to come. The hurt may never stop from what I have read and heard from others who have gone through the loss of a child. I won’t have the answers for that for a long time, if ever. I do know that the wound will eventually close up and cease to bleed.

And then I will think of all the things Jonathan will never do and how I will never hold him and that wound will bleed again. And again. And again.

Groundhog Day.

8 days and counting... anyone need a new heading yet?

sigh. I have no topic for which to babble today...

I had a lovely day non-shopping with my friend Diana at the Woodburn outlet mall and then this evening we went to a card making party at StyledBaby in Hillsboro owned by my friend Delia. I just love Stampin' Up and since Michelle (my former SU demonstrator) moved I have been having with drawls. Diana and I used to go at least monthly to Michelle's house for a stamp party. It was so fun and I miss it so!

Lissa, the SU demonstrator we met tonight was great. It sounds like she is very active in SU and does card parties a lot too. I can't wait to get started. The first one is November 2.

We were trying to come up with a date and since Diana and Delia were the only ones who knew about Jonathan and I didn't really want to ruin the mood, I just said October was bad for me. If we could do it in Nov that would be great. She kept going back to October, and since she was in essence planning this one around this group of gals I mentioned that I would be having my baby in October and would be kind of out of commission. Someone else gasped and asked how far I was... so the jig was up and I had to fess up. Mood ruiner. Not a dry eye. I felt bad.

And I thought I had nothing to say.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that is almost never the case and I can honestly count on one hand the times it has happened!

My new favorite card we made tonight>

Sunday, September 28, 2008

9 days and counting- Thankful

If there is anything that going through this with Jonathan has taught me its to be thankful. Thankful I have my and Zack's health. Thankful Grayson is happy and healthy. Thankful that we still have a house (who knows for how long but at this point we still have it!). Thankful for the support of all the people who care about us. Thankful that Jonathan was chosen for us.

Yes, I said that. I am thankful that Jonathan was chosen for us. I would not have it any other way. I may never know the full extent of his touch but he has touched many people in many ways. He has touched me in so many ways I may never know. He has made me more excepting of people, more tolerant. I am thankful that we get to be Jonathan's parents. I am glad we are able to honor the life that he will have and continue to cherish the blessing that he is.

He has brought Zack and I closer together. We made the choice to not let it have the opposite effect when we found out.

I have a friend who is also pregnant. She is younger than I am and she is single. She is due in December and is having a hard time coping. The "biological father" is being very hateful and tries to hurt her and break her spirit at every turn. She doesn't know if she should keep the baby or give him up for adoption. Her family is not being very supportive at all. She is really on her own. And today was a tough day for her, she called me crying. What should she do? This is sooo hard!

I told her that nothing in life is easy, and that while sometimes things look perfect there is no such thing. My life looked perfect for a while and that picture shattered just when I got used to it.
Nothing is perfect. Her child may never know his father (he wants nothing to do with them- has a girlfriend with other children my friend knew nothing about) but woman (and men) raise children all the time with out a spouse. It is hard. But it is ok. It can work. Children thrive when they are loved, no matter who that is. A mother, a father, grandparents. Love is the only requirement for happy children.

Her situation has me thinking about mine. There is always something to be thankful for. I have always been a pretty optimistic person even when it seemed all hope was lost. This is no exception. I honestly feel Jonathan is an amazing blessing of teaching and love. I feel so empowered to be his mother. Sure it will be hard, as it has been, but nothing is ever easy that is worth anything.

I have learned in my life that everything is a choice (or beyond your control completely) and you can be a victim of your circumstance or you can rise above it and and take control of your life and move on. Life is short, you only get one. You better make the best of it.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

10 days and counting

Saturdays always mark a favorite for the Buquet family in the warm months. Saturdays mean the farmers market. We almost always go and have breakfast at one of our favorite little Mexican places that sets up a booth. They have these yummy mini tacos for $1 each. I don't know why that seems so great to us, but we have always loved it since we moved to Hillsboro, 6 years ago. I always get chicken and guacamole, Zack gets carnitas steak and spicy salsa. It will be interesting to see what Grayson will choose when he is older.
Today though Zack decided to switch it up and get BBQ from Cousin Kenny's BBQ. We went kind of late today so it was more of lunch. I had decided I wasn't hungry until I had a bite. I ended up finishing Zack's yummy pulled pork burrito. His pulled pork is SO good. I had it for the first time at a barn party we went to recently with the Rotary group Zack belongs to.

The farmers market is the start of my week. I stock up on yummy vegis and fruit. Here is my bounty from today:
2 speghetti squash (only $1.25 each- they are about $5 at the store)
a 5 lb bag of Jonagold apples- $4,
Cinnamon chip bread from Great Harvest Bread Co.
and blueberries

All for $23

We also do a CSA (community supported aggriculture) box with a friend of mine. Basically you pay your money at the planting phase of the growing season and then during harvest you share in the bounty of the farm. This week our families will share summer squash, cucumbers, tomatoes, pears, apples, onions potatoes and fresh beans.

Going to market almost makes my life seem normal. Life is good when we are there. Especially today, it was gorgeous! Hard to believe fall is here already and the leaves are starting to change. Soon in will be cold and we will huddle around our fire places.

The rest of the day was spent lounging around the house and working on miscellaneous projects. I finished Jonathan's blanket (another post) and a little one for G. Late in the day I took a lovely nap on the couch. It was quite peaceful until Zack tried to find the tv remote IN THE COUCH with me on it. I may be up all night now but thats ok.

Friday, September 26, 2008

11 days and counting

Today I worked at the baby resale event as a volunteer. If you work a shift you get to shop early before the rest of the consignors (which I also did) and before the general public. So today I tried to prepare myself for the comments I would receive on my belly and the answers I would give.

I have come to notice that if I don't make eye contact people generally don't ask me anything or say anything. But if I look up, forget it. "When are you due?" "Is it your first?" "Do you know if its a boy or girl?"

I usually just answer with basic answers and hope they stop asking, look distracted... Sometimes, I feel a small bond with someone and I tell them the truth, giving basic details and let their questions form the conversation.

Today at the resale event I started talking to a gal named Rebecca. My belly never really came up, not that I am hiding it anymore. Then her daughter who is ten came to visit. She asked me if I am having a baby... I answered yes. Then when Rebecca asked all the obviously questions I came clean.

Part of me really likes the educating of people who inevitably have never heard of Anencephaly. Part of me just likes talking about Jonathan. I feel like I make his life a little more important with every conversation I have about him. His story grows a little bit. Part of my just feels relieved to talk in general, its normal, its almost like purging my grief.

Usually somewhere in the conversation I hear how well I am taking it. Honestly, those that know me best know what to look for like the cracks in my voice when I talk. I am taking it the best way I know how. Like a mommy who will lose her child and knows in advance. I am getting to know him as best I can. He is my little boy. He is very active and a fighter. (He might be mine after all. :) His heart beat has been nothing but strong.

Which is why today when I was talking about him, I grew even more concerned. I told Zack last night that I had not really felt him move yesterday. I had felt movement but not any kicks or deliberate movements. I made the promise to myself that if I still had not felt anything significant by this afternoon I would call the specialist.

So after my shift and my talk with Rebecca when I realized I had still not felt him all day, I got in my car and called the dr's office. Dr. Friedman was gone for the weekend but the nurse said if I could get there in 45 minutes (by 5) then she could check for his heart beat. So I raced home, kissed Grayson who was not happy to see me leave again after being gone for 4 hours already, grabbed Zack and rushed to the hospital. 20 minutes away without the "rush hour" traffic we were in. We made it, luckily.

So the little turkey had me in a panic for nothing. His heart rate is fine. 140 which is right about where it has been this whole time. 140-160.

Then I get back home and he has not stopped kicking all night. So much so, that Zack finally got to feel him! Yeah! That was the first time. It was a good strong one too. I just would not have calmed down all weekend worrying.

So that was the excitement for today. I am pooped. Off to bed I go. Thanks for checking up on us. *smooches* all.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

12 days and counting

This blog was supposed to be written on Tuesday but our internet was wonky so here it is late.

12 days until we go in to St. Vincent Hospital to deliver Jonathan. I don't know if I am more excited or scared. Mostly terrified I guess. I just want to meet my little boy. I hope that he survives the delivery and the its not too long for either of us.

I am scared it may end in another C section like Grayson's did, after SOOO many hours (77 to be exact) in labor not progressing past 6 cm. I am determined to have a Vbac but what if the cards are stacked against me again? My specialist Dr. Friedman has assured me he will not do a C unless it is absolutely necessary, so my fingers (and toes) are crossed. I missed the first few hours of Grayson's life because I was so tired and drugged from the epidural going so high. My arms were completely numb and I was unable to hold him. That can't happen now.

I get one shot at Jonathan.

I had a dream on Tuesday, maybe anxiety about the 2 week mark? I almost never remember my dreams. In this dream I was pregnant and all was the same, Jonathan had been diagnosed. I was with two old friends from high school, Clint and Aaron in the house and we were sitting on the floor. All of a sudden I gave birth to a perfect, not anencephalic Jonathan. He was very premie (still same time frame) but perfect. I then went to the hospital and they found that I was also pregnant with a daughter. Not anencephalic either.

I know that I myself have seen the 3D ultrasound, there is no misdiagnosis. But I woke up feeling funky.

My friend Elle says its my minds way of letting my know that Jonathan is perfect just as he is and that just because he does not fit in to societies ideals of perfect doesn't make him less so. She says sometimes perfect comes in tiny packages. I love Elle for these conversations. Somehow she helps my mind decipher it self. I really appreciate the comfort she has been in these past weeks.

I know that Jonathan is perfect and amazing and a miracle just as he is. I may not know why he has been chosen to be taken from me so soon but I am comforted in the fact that he has a greater meaning in his life and though I wish with all my heart he would stay with us and live his inperfect life with us mortals I am conforted in the fact he will be an angel and fly free. He will never know pain or suffering or anger or hurt. And for that I am thankful. There is nothing more a mother can ask than that her child be safe from evil. And he is.

My child was chosen to have wings instead of feet. (Kaity- another amazing friend- Thank you)

Monday, September 15, 2008

I feel so blessed.

In the last few weeks I have really learned how blessed we are with the people who care about us. I recently learned that one of the fabric co-ops (my favorite one! Truly! :) I am on was doing a fundraiser for our family.

Fabric coops are large groups of (mostly) woman that get together with the co-op owner to buy large quantities of fabric or other goods so that we can get the cheapest bulk rate. Many companies will only sell in large quantities and many of us just can't afford to buy our diaper fabric or whatever in such large amounts.

Denise is the owner of This End Up Co-op and she rallied the troops to help us. She was able to raise $600 for us and another $150 to be donated to Now I lay me Down to Sleep in Jonathan's name. What an amazing group of gals to pull together and help us out in such an amazing way.

We truly feel blessed to know that so many people care about us. Many of them we have never met in person.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. We truly appreciate it.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Poor Poor Lappy!

What happens when to take a mommy who recently found out her baby isn't going to live, give her a laptop to work on that has pissed her off for more than 4 years and then you have her fight with her husband and send her over the edge?! You get what we have here

This is Lappy. He has been a faithful little lappy who has annoyed me many times in the last 4+ years. I got very upset the other night, very very upset. I just couldn't keep it together any more. My emotions took over and I screamed, I screamed a lot and loud. And then things just had to be thrown. I threw my remote. Didn't make me feel better. I threw my wireless mouse. Didn't make me feel better. Then the only thing left was my laptop. Lappy went flying. Hard. I stood up and slammed it down on the ground. THAT made me feel better. Not so much for Lappy. I shattered the screen, obviously.

All I could do when I realized what I did (I plead out of body experience) is cry. There was nothing left to do. I guess there still isn't.

The first day I thought all was well, aside from the screen "issue", Zack has connected the old desktop flat screen to it and now it has to stay in my craft room. Then it started revolting. The third or fourth day it would get overwhelmed when you opened 2 or 3 windows at a time and then freeze and tell me minutes (hours) later that it had hit an error and shut it self down. It is like it is telling me it has a headache and is just done working for me. It started out doing that once or twice a day. Um now its 4 or 5 times a day and to the point where I just don't really turn it on. I tried to make a baby gift with my embroidery machine the other day and it wouldn't write the design to the card for the machine. ugh. Oh well. Someday I will get another laptop, until then I am told I get old Desky back from the dust bunnies and cobwebs.


Thursday, September 4, 2008

Unity Stamp Company Blog hop

Heather, one of my dear friends from high school, is a designer for Unity Stamp Co and they do a weekend blog hop. This week they have decided to give us 10% of their profits. What an amazing gift. We feel very blessed to have such love pouring in to us.

This comes at a time when we could really use it. Not only are we going through this with Jonathan but my husband is looking for work. We have had our own insurance agency for 2 years and have finally come to the realization that after two years of accruing debt we need to cut our losses.

Unfortunately, when it rains it pours.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the amazing gift we are being given and say a HUGE Thank you to Unity Stamp Co and Heather for their amazing generous support.

Thank you.

(Don't forget to hop on over to Unity and buy some stamps! And hop a long the blog hop and visit everyones blogs! )