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Monday, September 29, 2008

Groundhog Day... or 7 days to go

As the time falls through the hour glass I have been thinking about after. After Jonathan is born and its time to leave the hospital. When its time to let him go, and say goodbye. What happens then?

I have known since the beginning that the time would come, and while it seems like an eternity ago when we found out. It's also like yesterday. And the next day.

It's like Groundhog Day.

If you are not familiar with this Bill Murray movie its where this guy finds himself living the worst day of his life... over and over... and over again. Eventually he gets that he will keep living this day again and again so he might as well make the best of it.

Anyway, I digress. What do we do when we have had a baby and not been able to bring him home? Do we get a refund? There is this commercial on the radio right now for a fertility clinic that does this special en vitro fertilization process that guarantees you leave the hospital with a baby or your money back. That kills me. It is hysterical to me that someone thinks they can guarantee anything in life much less a child.

There are no guarantees in life. None. None that you will live to a ripe of age. None that you will live happily ever after. None that your child won't die before you.

I love that our society is so arrogant as to think that they deserve to have any such guarantee. They throw away everything they have as one time use and then expect other things to be completely permanent and without negotiation. As if it is possible to have it both ways.

I know that my heart will continue to break for many days and weeks and months and probably years to come. The hurt may never stop from what I have read and heard from others who have gone through the loss of a child. I won’t have the answers for that for a long time, if ever. I do know that the wound will eventually close up and cease to bleed.

And then I will think of all the things Jonathan will never do and how I will never hold him and that wound will bleed again. And again. And again.

Groundhog Day.


4 comments:

Geneva said...

That...is the fattest hedgehog...ever. On a more serious note, my heart breaks for you every day, just as I admire and respect you for the grace you show as you deal with this, whether it's a "keep busy and upbeat" kind of day or a "throw the computer across the room" one. You're doing it the only way it can be done - one millisecond at a time, but you're doing it with this amazing open heartedness that is honestly pretty awe inspiring. I know I only ever have the wrong, most cliche sounding things to say - I wish I were more poetic, but know that I love you, my friend and, for what it's worth, am here.

Pacific Personal Training said...

Jaimey, My prayers are with you as you approach your delivery date. I am following your story every day. xoxoxoxo

Shelly G. said...

Jaimey,
You are in my prayers as you approach your delivery date. I am following your story every day. xoxoxoxo

Heidi said...

I know that I don't know you well, but you are on the forefront of my thoughts right now. Your grace and strength is admirable! You are a very loved and cared for mother!