This blog was supposed to be written on Tuesday but our internet was wonky so here it is late.
12 days until we go in to St. Vincent Hospital to deliver Jonathan. I don't know if I am more excited or scared. Mostly terrified I guess. I just want to meet my little boy. I hope that he survives the delivery and the its not too long for either of us.
I am scared it may end in another C section like Grayson's did, after SOOO many hours (77 to be exact) in labor not progressing past 6 cm. I am determined to have a Vbac but what if the cards are stacked against me again? My specialist Dr. Friedman has assured me he will not do a C unless it is absolutely necessary, so my fingers (and toes) are crossed. I missed the first few hours of Grayson's life because I was so tired and drugged from the epidural going so high. My arms were completely numb and I was unable to hold him. That can't happen now.
I get one shot at Jonathan.
I had a dream on Tuesday, maybe anxiety about the 2 week mark? I almost never remember my dreams. In this dream I was pregnant and all was the same, Jonathan had been diagnosed. I was with two old friends from high school, Clint and Aaron in the house and we were sitting on the floor. All of a sudden I gave birth to a perfect, not anencephalic Jonathan. He was very premie (still same time frame) but perfect. I then went to the hospital and they found that I was also pregnant with a daughter. Not anencephalic either.
I know that I myself have seen the 3D ultrasound, there is no misdiagnosis. But I woke up feeling funky.
My friend Elle says its my minds way of letting my know that Jonathan is perfect just as he is and that just because he does not fit in to societies ideals of perfect doesn't make him less so. She says sometimes perfect comes in tiny packages. I love Elle for these conversations. Somehow she helps my mind decipher it self. I really appreciate the comfort she has been in these past weeks.
I know that Jonathan is perfect and amazing and a miracle just as he is. I may not know why he has been chosen to be taken from me so soon but I am comforted in the fact that he has a greater meaning in his life and though I wish with all my heart he would stay with us and live his inperfect life with us mortals I am conforted in the fact he will be an angel and fly free. He will never know pain or suffering or anger or hurt. And for that I am thankful. There is nothing more a mother can ask than that her child be safe from evil. And he is.
My child was chosen to have wings instead of feet. (Kaity- another amazing friend- Thank you)