Monday, October 28, 2013

Holy Amazing, Batman!

When I had Jonathan I came to know that your friends either pull together and make shit happen or they run fast and far. Mostly I had people surround me and embrace me through what I was going through. I tried not to hold it against those that ran, hell I wanted to run away too! 

This time I hope it's different, Grayson's diagnosis is bringing people out of the woodwork I didn't know I had in my corner! Today a friend of a friend wrote this letter to him. 
It wasn't until I was talking to my friend Angie over at Jonesing 2 Create and she asked who wrote it, I said it was a comic book writer... Devin something... ha. Apparently, Devin Grayson is THE comic book writer. :P (sorry Devin, you are awesome, I am just clueless!) My amazing friend Leanne who has been my right side mama since I found out, is friends with Devin's friend. 

I am incredibly humbled and thankful to have so many amazing people in our lives, near or far to help us along this journey. Grayson just loves that he got a personalized letter from THE Batman. His little eyes lit up and then he asked if I was sure since I had said Batman wasn't real, oops. I said I was wrong, that it is real and so is Batman. 

It made his day. Thank you. From the bottom of this mama's heart. <3 p="">


Most of this blogs followers are friends, most of those friends are on Facebook with me.... but some who aren't might be around here poking around still. SO... guess what?!    

I am pregnant! 

Bet you can't guess what we are having?

I will give you a hint, the balloons were not on Jonathan's birthday. :) 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Who Knew...

There was a poem I my mom had written on a piece of notebook paper and clipped to a mirror when I was a kid, I barely remember it but the line I remember is

"It is easy enough to be pleasant, when life flows along like a song, but anyone worth while is one who will smile, when everything goes dead wrong."

Turns out that is the whole poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, thank you google. It stuck with me most of my life and I really, really try to just turn things right side up. Struggling with depression for most of my life, this isn't always an easy task. Which brings me to now. Turns out I can't write a damn thing when my life is seemingly moving along like a song. Honestly, it wasn't but some things aren't meant to be shared so I don't. But today, this week, I found my words. I don't know if they will stay long or if life will ever flow like a song again but for now, I am here.

For the last few weeks, Grayson (6- when did that happen?!) has been getting up to pee a lot, like 4-6x a night between bed at 730 and my bed at 11/12. This followed a virus so I wasn't too concerned, until it continued. Then he started getting headaches, almost daily. At first I wondered if he was dehydrated as I am super sensitive to water intake and headaches. Then he came home last Friday for a headache, he had a pretty quick recovery at home so I started wondering if he was manipulating the situation to get something or out of something. I also found out he had been in the nurses office quite a few times. Mostly for headaches but would head back to class and seem ok.

Monday morning I was working in his classroom and asked his teacher about the headaches and such. She mentioned that she was concerned and he had been leaving quite often to use the restroom. hmmm. We finished our chat and I headed out to the office to do some paper cutting. About 30 minutes later, the teacher walked in and said that instead of going to recess, Grayson had gone to the nurses office with a headache. I went in and he was using the restroom but the nurse asked if he had eaten breakfast. He had. He said he was hungry though so we went to the cafeteria to ask if she had some apples or veggies we could have. He ate some apples and went back to class, seemingly better.

I finished my work and dropped it back in the classroom. I went back to the nurse and we spoke more. I concluded that something was very wrong and was pretty sure it was type 1 diabetes. I left worried and went immediately home to message a friend who's son is just two weeks older and was diagnosed a year ago. She said she thought it could go either way, as I had kept thinking all those things could be a growth spurt or something easy and simple. She said come over for a blood check and get some peace of mind. I agreed.

I picked up Gray that afternoon with a heavy heart, went home and ate the snack I had been instructed to give him so as not to spike or change his blood sugars too much. Then we went over to our friends house. Gray was very apprehensive about the finger poke but ultimately agreed and we were all a little shocked to see his blood sugar at 360! I didn't leave with peace of mind. I left armed with my cell phone to call the advice line for an apt and urgent care hours. Two hours later we were at UC and having another blood check. 520 this time!!! (after a normal dinner of spaghetti and bread and veggies) The urgent care Pediatrician said he was 99.9% sure it was T1D and to go immediately (after packing a bag etc) to the local children's hospital.

We raced home, sent emails to the teachers/principle involved and any friends/family who needed to know what was going on and we were on our way. We got settled in and spent the next 2 days getting a crash course on keeping Grayson as stable as possible.

I can't believe that after 2 days I took him home. Like a newborn only harder.

Who knew? This disease is a huge commitment to keeping these (little) people safe. I had no idea. I grew up with a friend whose step dad had diabetes and I knew that the complications of that and his transplant are what led to his death. He was an amazing man but I remember him being pretty quiet about his disease. He never hid it per se, he just didn't do it completely out in the open. I also babysat for a family all through high school that both parents were/are T1D. I saw the father do his shots and at first it kinda freaked me out, I have always had an aversion to needles. But I got used to it, as I am sure he had many many years earlier.

I found out that while I have no relatives that I know of with the disease and neither does Zack, we both carry a gene that makes all of our children a potential candidate. The general theory is that a virus, which one is yet unknown for sure, is the trigger and T1D follows shortly after. Who knew?

If you would like to learn more about Type 1 Diabetes please feel free to click here.

                                                      Grayson last weekend at the Punky patch

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A little Update.

I said I would do a bit of an update so I guess I will start here. This last year has been great. If you are a long time reader you know of the struggles our family has been through in the last few years. We have lost a business, lost a child, filed and completed a bankruptcy and lived to tell about it. Zack got a great job, with a company out of Minnesota and working from home. He also does some business consulting on the side. He is enjoying it and ends are meeting and that is a good feeling.

The boys are growing up well. Grayson is in Kindergarten and loving his sweet teachers and his full day dual language program (Spanish/ English). He is sucking learning up like a little sponge and it's amazing to watch. He loves the colors black and blue and has preferred black shirts and skinny jeans since he was old enough to voice it. My emo kid before he even knows what emo is. LOL. He enjoys drawing, play with his legos, learning to read and write and to spend time outside with his friends. He is also a very sweet big brother.

Jaxon is newly 3 and loves to do everything himself. We just registered for preschool in the fall and he is very excited about that. He loves to do everything Grayson is doing and then some. He loves to color, play with blocks and ride bikes and play in the sand. He is pretty emotional at this stage and is often angry about being told no. (Today he told me he wanted a new mommy cause I am mean for turning off the tv. Awesome)

Torin, our sweet youngest is 17 months old and climbs like he is 3. That child is giving me grey hair! If we leave one chair at the dining room table pulled out his radar kicks in and he is in the middle of the dining room table before you can exhale and turn around. He can climb the stairs faster than lightening if the gate is left open. He is equal parts love baby and demon and we love his giggles and snuggles. He enjoys his brothers and every toy they might think they want to play with. ;) He also loves his baby doll and to read books. He hands me books to read

I have been busy with various sewing projects, both for our family and home and with LoveyDoodle. I am currently working on custom ruffles for the Gift of Love gDiaper which is the diaper Ecomom did with gDiapers to benefit Hand to Heart International. It is the sweetest diaper with X's and O's all over it. And I must say ruffles make it about the cutest thing on the planet. I also attempt to keep up with my house (why bother, cleaning while you have small children is like shoveling snow while it's snowing... and I hired a cleaner this year to come twice a month.) and my children.

Overall, things have been pretty good. Which is why it is interesting to me that I struggle so much. I have been through some very hard things in my life and NOT been depressed or medicated through most of them. For me, it's the daily life that is often the hardest. The screaming, fighting children that make my ears bleed. The silly fights with my husband over nothing. The piles of laundry and dishes that seem endless. The angry HOA letters over a stupid weed. Those things pile and pile and pile on my shoulders making it feel like an impossible weight. One would think that after losing a child, the rest would be easy. 
One would be wrong. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

It's NOT all Good.

Wow! Has it really been over a year since I popped in? Anyone still attempting to read? (Doubtful but if so I thank you) I guess you could say I am an UNfair weather blogger. I pretty much have nothing to say unless I am struggling, and while I should have been at this the last year I was just too over whelmed with everything to even attempt. I'll do some catch up in a bit but for now...

Monday morning I woke up to an email from a friend telling me of the death of an amazing man. I didn't really know this man per se, but I had spoken with him once for about 30 minutes and he left an impact. He was Jody Sherman, co-founder and CEO of the web based store Ecomom. I have shopped at Ecomom for a year since I first heard about them from another friend. The email shared about his death and a cryptic message Jody's wife had posted on his Facebook page. She posted that he would have said goodbye if he could have but he knew he couldn't and he loved everyone he knew so much and they mattered to him. Cause of death wasn't specified at that point.

It was later announced that at 47, Jody's cause of death was "self inflicted gun shot wound"

I'll let that resonate.

I didn't know this man. I didn't know his life or his friends or his family. But I know his pain. I know what it's like to think for a second that it might be a viable option to cease to exist. I read those words and I was devastated. I cried. Real tears. For this man I never knew and for the family and wife he left behind. For the friends of his left the ask why? And how could THEY have prevented such a tragedy. No one saw it coming. I sent up a google alert minutes after reading the first reports and have read every single publication since (kind of obsessed now) and no one who knew him has said anything other than that they didn't see it coming. Some spoke to him that day and he seemed upbeat and energetic.

And that is how most people would describe me I think. I think most of us who have depression (I don't know that he did but most people who kill themselves struggle longer than just that moment) can fake it pretty well. We know all the right words and smile the biggest because to be seen in our real state is too vulnerable and too raw and honestly most people don't care to see it.

There is still a stigma along with depression. It's all good. It's gotta be.... Sad irony in that line. "It's all Good" is Ecomom's tag line. Maybe it was more obvious than anyone realized. If we say its all good enough, it will be so. Right?! Jody had a tattoo on his wrist. "I am awesome" and he was. No one would deny that... And yet I don't think HE knew it. I think that is more of a reminder to try and view himself in a light he knew others saw him in.

Everyday 84+ people commit suicide (last available daily records on and (50+% of that is by firearms... Don't get me started...) every single day

84+ people

That is a frightening number. That's 84+ people who felt they had no other options.

84+ people nationwide who left a wake of devastation in their final choice. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. There I said it. The fear, and agony is over for that person. But it's only begun for those in the wake. The sea of emotions and anger and questions that will never be answered because the one person who can is gone. Forever. That's just starting for the people in the wake.

These people don't mean to be selfish. They just want their pain to stop. And it does. But for people like Jody who do SO much good in their lives before their death, its just that much more a tragedy. Jody and Ecomom fed a child in need with each purchase. Amazing.

This week, 3 days after Jody's death, Ecomom announced the layoff of 19 of their headquarters employees. They are in dire straights it seems. (Go order from Ecomom, they have amazing products and free shipping over $50. I did and plan to order again today, I'm sure I need something)

I am so sad at the thought that this amazing little company could close its doors. I hope they can climb out of this devastation.

If you or someone you care about you suspect is thinking of ending their life please get help.

1-800- SUICIDE/ 1-800- 784-2433 - Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support