A little Update.

I said I would do a bit of an update so I guess I will start here. This last year has been great. If you are a long time reader you know of the struggles our family has been through in the last few years. We have lost a business, lost a child, filed and completed a bankruptcy and lived to tell about it. Zack got a great job, with a company out of Minnesota and working from home. He also does some business consulting on the side. He is enjoying it and ends are meeting and that is a good feeling.

The boys are growing up well. Grayson is in Kindergarten and loving his sweet teachers and his full day dual language program (Spanish/ English). He is sucking learning up like a little sponge and it's amazing to watch. He loves the colors black and blue and has preferred black shirts and skinny jeans since he was old enough to voice it. My emo kid before he even knows what emo is. LOL. He enjoys drawing, play with his legos, learning to read and write and to spend time outside with his friends. He is also a very sweet big brother.

Jaxon is newly 3 and loves to do everything himself. We just registered for preschool in the fall and he is very excited about that. He loves to do everything Grayson is doing and then some. He loves to color, play with blocks and ride bikes and play in the sand. He is pretty emotional at this stage and is often angry about being told no. (Today he told me he wanted a new mommy cause I am mean for turning off the tv. Awesome)

Torin, our sweet youngest is 17 months old and climbs like he is 3. That child is giving me grey hair! If we leave one chair at the dining room table pulled out his radar kicks in and he is in the middle of the dining room table before you can exhale and turn around. He can climb the stairs faster than lightening if the gate is left open. He is equal parts love baby and demon and we love his giggles and snuggles. He enjoys his brothers and every toy they might think they want to play with. ;) He also loves his baby doll and to read books. He hands me books to read all.day.long.

I have been busy with various sewing projects, both for our family and home and with LoveyDoodle. I am currently working on custom ruffles for the Gift of Love gDiaper which is the diaper Ecomom did with gDiapers to benefit Hand to Heart International. It is the sweetest diaper with X's and O's all over it. And I must say ruffles make it about the cutest thing on the planet. I also attempt to keep up with my house (why bother, cleaning while you have small children is like shoveling snow while it's snowing... and I hired a cleaner this year to come twice a month.) and my children.

Overall, things have been pretty good. Which is why it is interesting to me that I struggle so much. I have been through some very hard things in my life and NOT been depressed or medicated through most of them. For me, it's the daily life that is often the hardest. The screaming, fighting children that make my ears bleed. The silly fights with my husband over nothing. The piles of laundry and dishes that seem endless. The angry HOA letters over a stupid weed. Those things pile and pile and pile on my shoulders making it feel like an impossible weight. One would think that after losing a child, the rest would be easy. 

One would be wrong. 

a little behind.

I hopped in yesterday to find something I had posted and realized I only had to go back a few pages before I hit last year. I keep saying I am going to try and be better but the reality is that I am just under water most of the time. With three boys under 5 I am busy and exhausted. So I will try to catch up a bit and see what happens. I will hope to be better about posting this coming year...

Grayson is enjoying preschool for the second year. We are still at the coop and this year I am the class rep/coordinator. It is a lot more work than I expected it would be but overall it isn't horrible. (read: I won't be doing it again as long as I have babies) He has really come into his own this year and loves to build elaborate marble runs out of various materials Teacher P pulls out for him. He has become known as quite the little architect to his friends and they all wait for him to come and help them construct these fun tracks. He also still really enjoys art and imaginative play. He is a lovely helper and awesome big brother too!

Jaxon has learned the word no. And says it quite often. I think I hear it in my sleep he says it so much. He loves helping me clean the house and play with his toys and coloring. He loves learning new things and watching Grayson do things and trying them too. Usually he is successful. He is very social and loves to play with friends and say hi to people. He is also a great big brother, always asking to hold Torin or nurse him. Yes you read that right, he seems to think he too has breast milk and Torin needs it. He has asked to nurse him more than a few times. No matter how I tell him he doesn't have milk, he wants to try anyway. lol

Torin just discovered his smile and uses it often. He is a VERY happy baby and a great sleeper already like Jaxon was/is. He smiles non-stop and is learning to laugh. He enjoys nursing, "playing" with his brothers and sleeping with mommy. Oh and nursing. :)

Zack's job is going well and is almost to the two year mark. It is hard to believe the 18 months of joblessness is so long ago. It is almost just a memory. We are still recovering but we are almost there. Life is mostly ok.

I am learning to juggle 3 little boys the house and everything else. I will admit that usually one of them is "hitting the floor" but I am quick to "pick it up" and keep on trucking. I think this is all a really great lesson for me in what is a priority and what isn't. I have always been a bit of a control freak and I just can't control it all now, or most of it in fact. I am a quick learner luckily.

SO on the fun stuff... up next Heidi's pumpkin party!

Ooops

It seems with my day to day life getting in the way of this here blog I am forgetting to update the few followers I have left on the goings on that might matter a bit. :)

We found out December 24, that we are expecting again. I am hoping for a girl, obviously, and since I am 10 weeks tomorrow and still not the slightest bit sick I have a suspicion it might be! (Well, if there are any girl sperm to be had from that man anyway, he doesn't seem to be so good at that so far!) SO ya, there you have it. I am pregnant! Due date is officially Aug 31 but knowing my children s/he will be a September child, which would make her either a Virgo or a Leo depending on if you go by the "new" or old zodiac signs.

STUPID I tell you, that is what that is. Whatever, I don't pretend to be smarter than those scientists but really? Come on, it's like all of a sudden saying Pluto isn't a planet, does anyone not say Pluto when they say the planets? Whatever.

Anyway, this time around I am not nearly as stressed out. I hardly have time to be, those boys of mine are keeping me quite busy. Jax just turned one on the 16th and Gray turned 4 on the 13th. We were in California. Jax is having his party this weekend, a slight delay from last week when we were all dying of the flu. Joy. Gray will have a 1/2 birthday party again at his request.

So thanks to the "5" of you who still read. That is what is new, I would love to update more and plan on it just don't know when... cross your fingers.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours !!

Merry Ho-ho. Have an amazing Christmas!

Love ya! ~J

Thankful Thursday!

Hey! Guess what?! I JUST remembered that thing I used to do, Thankful Thursday, remember? I can't really remember the last time I did it... pre Jax maybe? Ah, here it is. I guess my little brain just couldn't hold onto Thankful Thursday's when Jax was about to come. And after, forget-about-it.

Well, my brain is clearing and I have a new-to-me Lappy. (Thank YOU!) Life is good!

Today I am Thankful for:
1. Zack having a job. If you have read this little blog a while you understand.

2. New-to-me Lappy. Dino is unhappy and old and groany. This makes life easier. Again, THANK YOU!

3. That Jax is adjusting to his cast and can now crawl (army) and get back up when he falls over and even pull himself up on the ottoman. The pediatrician says he is fine to do whatever he is able while he is casted.

4. Our new pediatrician. We were forced into "looking" for a new ped when our beloved ped retired. One of the boys needed to see someone for something and I said we would just see whoever was available, we met Dr. V and LOVE her. She is through and kind and friendly. Oh and she likes the kids too. :) She called us personally today, TWICE to answer questions I had about J's cast/break.

5. Having my mom here. I never thought I would say it. She came over today to help me out and play with the boys so I could get some cleaning done. Jax has been quite the cling on since his break. She tidied up while she and Grayson played and Jax took an extra long nap. It was great not to have a trashed house for a few minutes.

9 months!!

Jaxon Ryan

~stats~
weight: 21 lb 12 oz (66%)
height: 2' 7.5" (99%)
head: 18.5" (89%)

He seems to be falling down the charts for weight, just like his brother did. My family tends to breed skinny little beans. Apparently our children will not be left out. His last stats can be seen here. And the ones before here. And here.

Loves:
milk
playing with Grayson
clapping (learned yesterday)
milk
anything edible, and even some stuff that shouldn't be
laughing
snuggling
sleeping on his tummy
milk
crawling
being "independent"
being carried in the Ergo

Dislikes:
loud noises
being sat on or tossed around by G
being cold
the stroller
being kept from a nap

9 month shoot with Elle

tomorrow we have family photos with Elle, stay tuned!

PILA Month day 29

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

I have learned in the last few years when planning for the future, hope for the best, plan for the worst and enjoy the ride because that is the best you can do. There are no guarantees, just now.

I guess my short term goal is to be the best mother and wife I can be. I know I have a lot of room for improvement in both areas and work daily to do better.

In the next year I would like to (in no order):
1. make our back yard less of an eye sore
2. make and put drapes in our formal living room and dining room
3. get pregnant
4. work things for my etsy site
5. work on the children's scrapbooks

Davis family farm

After we left the pumpkin patch yesterday we went to my friend Heidi's in-laws farm for pumpkin carving. It is a gorgeous piece of property with a 150? year old farm house, a few cows and creeks and amazing plants everywhere.

They had set up the barn with tables and carving tools.
Heidi and I.

The boys and G's punkie.

We had a fabulous time hanging out with our friends! Heidi used to live in our area, splitting time between here and AZ. We have boys the same age. We met through gdiapers and have been chatting on the internet almost daily since.

A few of the end products.

My fave. There was a giant spider too but it left before I could grab a pic.

I just hope Heidi and family visit again soon!

PILA Month day 7

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

My favorite photo of late is the one published a few days ago of Jax on the potty. I just love all his little rolls and his little pointer on his other hand. CUTE!

And then there is this one. Three of my favorite people in this world. I can't imagine a day without them.

Happy Birthday Jesse!

My little brother turned 24 on the 15th. We had dinner for him tonight at our house. I made a yummy sunset chicken (which was peppers and chicken and Catalina dressing in the croc pot) salad, deviled eggs and Italian bread.

We sang.


Then for dessert we had chocolate chip cookies and rice crispy treats with sprinkles and ice cream. (Jesse didn't want cake)

Happy Birthday Little Bro!
*our gap in age is closing!*



*cause I am 29... *



*again*



*and again*

Just Breathe

art work by a dear family friend Tom Voss

I remember it like it was yesterday and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. I was so excited and so nervous. I was about to walk down the aisle. All I could think was just breathe! The rest will come. This was it.

Forever.

I couldn't believe it. I was getting married. I remember thinking that morning what this really meant to me. I knew it meant I got the privilege of loving this man for the rest of our lives. Of growing old together on our front porch in our rockers.

We are a ways of from that still but the last 9 years have been amazing. Not only in good ways but we have come through the bad and difficult stronger and more secure in ourselves and our marriage. And it has been a privilege loving Zack. He is sweet and kind, generous and smart. He works hard for our little family and is the strength that supports us. I love you honey!

Thank you every day and especially today from the depths of my soul, for being my husband and loving me.

Happy 9 year Anniversary!

Dad Life

Too funny! And sooo true. :)

Mother's Day- slightly late

This is slightly late but Mother's Day was exactly what I wanted. Mostly. Minus the sleeping in, that's a bit hard to do when you have a baby who demands to be fed and no one else can feed him.

Zack had originally planned to go to the coast but since the Oregon coast is not exactly San Diego and usually requires a coat I asked if we could stay home and enjoy the sun that was supposed to be overhead. The other thing I had asked for was a hydrangea for the back yard.

We headed to Farmington Gardens and picked up this lovely larger hydrangea, some rainier strawberry plants, thyme, basil, rosemary and parsley. Then we went home and planted them all along with the tomato plants and hood strawberry plants I had bought the day before.

I generally don't have a green thumb so we'll see. I love the idea of growing a garden and if this takes and I don't kill them then maybe next year my garden will be a bit bigger. More on the "garden" later.

For dinner we went to one of our favorite little local restaurants, Reedville cafe. It's a fun little place that is a stone's throw away and always good.

Being a mommy was always what I wanted to do. I just knew I would not be complete until I had children. They have always been part of my life, from very young I was caring for my brother and from 13 I was babysitting for every family in my neighborhood. (some of those kids have kids of their own now!!!) Now that I am a mom my life feels like it's on the path it was always meant to take.

It has it's challenges and it's ups and downs but overall I wouldn't change a thing.
Thank you Grayson, Jonathan and Jaxon for choosing me to be your mommy.
And thank you Zack for choosing me to have a family with.
I love my boys!

the hand flowers they made me.

This is one gift that will stick around a while.

Love a little bit more

Tonight while I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner Faith Hill's song Breathe came on my iPod. It's OUR song. I started thinking about all the things we have been through in our 8 year 8 month marriage. We have lost jobs, ended careers, started fresh in a new state, given birth to three beautiful little boys, made new friends, said good bye to those who hurt us, bought and sold homes and so much more.

And every day I fall in love a little bit more.

I looked out the window and watched him outside with Grayson. He is such a great father. Loving his boys and teaching them. Rarely does he loose his patience. He plays with them on the floor, even when his back hurts. He reads to them even when he just read that book 5 minutes ago. And he loves being a dad.

I will never forget what my dad said to me when I told him we were engaged and getting married the next summer. He said I was in love with the idea of being in love. And the tone was all it took. I knew he didn't really approve. At the time I was pretty hurt by those comments. I knew what I was doing of coarse because I was 21 and knew everything. But with time I came to see I was in love with the idea of being in love. That's not to say I wasn't in love with Zack, I was. I am. And honestly, now, if my child came to me and told me they were getting married after 2 months of dating I would probably say something similar.

I was in love with the idea of being in love. I loved the idea of being in a stable loving relationship and being happy. I had been in a few long term relationships before Zack. Two for about 2 years and another very tumultuous relationship that was off and on for 6 years. But none of those came close to being what I needed for forever. I knew that. I was in those relationships and it was almost as if I was watching from the outside, seeing all the mistakes I was making. Repeating my parents history with more than one guy I was with. I knew that was not the life I wanted. My parents relationship was a disaster at best. And close to 30 years of it. That's a long time to be miserable. I didn't want that for myself.

So of coarse I was in love with the idea of being in love.

It's not easy. Every day is a choice to be together. Everyday is a choice to love and do our best. And we are not always on target, sometimes we fall short. We are a work in progress after all, both together and as separate people.

That's what no one tells you. That marriage is hard. I guess it should be obvious but with a 50% divorce rate, I don't think I am the only one who didn't really know. No one tells you that babies aren't always sweet and cuddly either. Or that sex becomes an after thought with children in the single digit age bracket, so for the record, there's that.

Even with all that, I love him more every day. We will be married 9 years this summer and as I look around my life and my happy home with my boys, I know that this is exactly right where I am supposed to be and that is amazing.

And every day I fall in love a little bit more.

Hotdog and Hams

News of late

Isn't he the cutest? Jaxon is cute too. Just kidding. I love baby legs warmers. In this case Huggalugs. So cute!

That was a few weeks ago. My sweet little bundle now weighs in at a wopping 15 lbs 2 oz, as of yesterday. He has been gaining an average of 2 oz a day. Generally .5 oz is considered good gain. I apparently make butter milk. Last week at Jax's 2 month apt he was 14lbs 12 oz, 25" long (22 at birth) and 16.5" head. The doctor was even impressed. :)

The only down side to having a mini moose is that he has outgrown the few cute things I bought him! The one gymboree outfit I got, he wore maybe 3 times.

He and his brother are settling in nicely. They love eachother so much and it is hysterical to watch them laugh and play together. Jax is already becoming such a little boy at just 9 weeks old. He is batthing at toys already and loves to lie in his playgym, kicking his baby "wind"chime toy. I have so many pictures I want to share!!

We got the quote back on the laptop and it was $750 for a new motherboard. It was a cheap laptop to begin with so we chose to have them pull the info off of it and call it good. Now we have to wait until we have money to buy a new one. The dinosaur desktop upstairs "crashed" when I uploaded only 200 pics (an hour+ project in itself!) from my iphone and picasa the other night. It refuses to run anything or TURN OFF!

I need to pull the plug and cross my fingers for a reboot.

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In other news, Zack's job is going VERY well. I believe I posted that he got a promotion and 25% pay increase after 2 weeks. Well after a few more weeks he was given another 25% pay increase because the commision for the other position would have kicked in quicker because it was an established position where as this one isn't and he is putting all the processes in place first. He really likes it. And I think it challenges him, which is great. I see a long lovely future with this company. (fingers crossed and knock on wood!)

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Which brings me to another bit of news. I quit Target yesterday. I was scheduled to go back after the 13th. I had taken care of everything on my end with FMLA and the company who takes care of all of that type of thing for T. I had called every week since the 2 weeks leading up to being able to come back trying to get on the schedule and yet I have STILL not been scheduled. Always the promise of next week. With the increase in Zack's pay we decided it made more sense for me to be home with the boys than for him to come home early for me to go in and make minimum wage. We would both rather he possibly make a sale in those hours. Yay! I am so much more appreciative of my time home this time around. I realize how precious my time with my boys is and while there are many days I want to mail one or the other or both to the moon, I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

I mentioned here that I lost my nanny job as well. At the time I was feeling very overwhelmed with the whole thing and the prospect of being set back even further. But after the last two months I am much more content with the our financial future and feel like we might finally have turned the corner of all the crap of the last few years. Finally.

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And while I feel like we have turned a corner, I can't help but feel like I am waiting. Waiting for something bad, catastrophic even to happen. I can't help but feel like I shouldn't get too settled in to being happy and content. I know its crazy. Things have to get better right? And stay that way. We work hard to keep it that way. And yet, we have no choice in the matter really.

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If the dinosaur cooperates in the near future I will share all the pics I have been dying to get up... fingers crossed!

Technical Difficulties

I know it probably looks like I have gone and dropped off the planet (again) but I really haven't. I have WANTED to blog. Unfortunately, Tuesday night I used our laptop and shut it for the night and when I went to use it again in the morning it refused to turn on.

Nothing.

Nada.

grrr.

So it is at the pc doctor and in 3 (10) weeks they will supposedly have diagnosed its issue and let us know how much it will be to fix said issue.

So now I rely on our dinosaur desktop- seriously we bought it when we were first married almost 9 years ago! It has seen better days. Some days it just refuses to join the internet. :( I think its just lazy but it could be dying of old age. If dog years are 7/1 human years, what are pc years to human years? My other option, the one I am utalizing now is Zack's work lappy. I will try to keep up with life but know that either way I am here in "spirit".

Speaking of Zack's work. It is going great! He loves it. And best of all Thursday he was offered a promotion. Already! After only 2 weeks. With a pay raise. Woohoo!

We are very excited for the future and things are looking up and up.

Brothers

Brotherly love.

My sweet boys.