Friday, September 26, 2008

11 days and counting

Today I worked at the baby resale event as a volunteer. If you work a shift you get to shop early before the rest of the consignors (which I also did) and before the general public. So today I tried to prepare myself for the comments I would receive on my belly and the answers I would give.

I have come to notice that if I don't make eye contact people generally don't ask me anything or say anything. But if I look up, forget it. "When are you due?" "Is it your first?" "Do you know if its a boy or girl?"

I usually just answer with basic answers and hope they stop asking, look distracted... Sometimes, I feel a small bond with someone and I tell them the truth, giving basic details and let their questions form the conversation.

Today at the resale event I started talking to a gal named Rebecca. My belly never really came up, not that I am hiding it anymore. Then her daughter who is ten came to visit. She asked me if I am having a baby... I answered yes. Then when Rebecca asked all the obviously questions I came clean.

Part of me really likes the educating of people who inevitably have never heard of Anencephaly. Part of me just likes talking about Jonathan. I feel like I make his life a little more important with every conversation I have about him. His story grows a little bit. Part of my just feels relieved to talk in general, its normal, its almost like purging my grief.

Usually somewhere in the conversation I hear how well I am taking it. Honestly, those that know me best know what to look for like the cracks in my voice when I talk. I am taking it the best way I know how. Like a mommy who will lose her child and knows in advance. I am getting to know him as best I can. He is my little boy. He is very active and a fighter. (He might be mine after all. :) His heart beat has been nothing but strong.

Which is why today when I was talking about him, I grew even more concerned. I told Zack last night that I had not really felt him move yesterday. I had felt movement but not any kicks or deliberate movements. I made the promise to myself that if I still had not felt anything significant by this afternoon I would call the specialist.

So after my shift and my talk with Rebecca when I realized I had still not felt him all day, I got in my car and called the dr's office. Dr. Friedman was gone for the weekend but the nurse said if I could get there in 45 minutes (by 5) then she could check for his heart beat. So I raced home, kissed Grayson who was not happy to see me leave again after being gone for 4 hours already, grabbed Zack and rushed to the hospital. 20 minutes away without the "rush hour" traffic we were in. We made it, luckily.

So the little turkey had me in a panic for nothing. His heart rate is fine. 140 which is right about where it has been this whole time. 140-160.

Then I get back home and he has not stopped kicking all night. So much so, that Zack finally got to feel him! Yeah! That was the first time. It was a good strong one too. I just would not have calmed down all weekend worrying.

So that was the excitement for today. I am pooped. Off to bed I go. Thanks for checking up on us. *smooches* all.


1snappyfamily said...

Wow, what a day! You know, really are doing a remarkable job honoring Jonathon. I'm so proud to be your sister (who cares about the "in-law" part ;)

And I'm SOO happy Zack got to feel him last night-that's awesome. So incredible. Each of these treasured moments just add to your family story, and especially Jonathon's story.

Love you guys!

Geneva said...

I just...don't have any words at all. I love you and am here.

Boo said...

Hey baby. I just want to let you know that I understand the difference between what you think and what you feel. Intellectually you are at peace with the situation, strong, honoring Jonathon with every breath. In your heart is where you feel small, mean, angry, and unsure. I want you to know that that's ok. Honey, you may not feel strong, but the strongest never do. The bravest would not count themselves as such. Go ahead and let that storm rage inside. I still have all those dishes, ripe for the breaking. *wink*

You are a woman of unusual grace.