When I started writing about my feeling when I first found out about Jonathan's condition I realized I was sharing with whoever happened to stumble on my blog. And something about that was comforting. It made me feel so much less alone.
I had tried to find anyone else going through this at the same time and came up short. I am sure they are out there but being as rare as it is I guess its just harder. I have made one friend in this whole thing who has been in this situation and she has been amazing. I know after a year and a half of losing her angel she still struggles.
I was doing ok. I was feeling good about how things went. I have been trying to tell myself that losing Jonathan was a privilege. That we were given this amazing gift to have had almost 3 hours with Jonathan. But the truth is I want my baby. I want him still in my belly. I want to feel him kick and wiggle and know that he is safe. I want to know that he will live. I want the whole fat pregnancy. I want to watch him grow up and play like I watch Grayson play. I want Grayson to be a big brother to a brother who can play with him.
I want to be the mommy of two little boys. I want to be happy.
I don't want to day dream about a child who won't have a happy long life. I don't want empty arms. I don't want to get looks of pity from people who know. I don't want to look pregnant anymore. I don't want to have to tell Grayson his brother is an angel anymore. I don't want it, any of it. I don't want to cry anymore.
(written last night but not published until today- I am feeling a little better now)