Thursday, October 23, 2008
Missing my baby today
Maybe its because the wound is still so fresh. Maybe its because we are getting ready for the memorial. Maybe its because you never really get over it but I feel like crap right now. I miss my baby. My arms are empty and while I love Grayson and he fills my heart with such joy, there is still this hole in my heart and in my arms and in my life.
Jonathan is missing. I had him in my arms for a brief second and then he was gone. Gone forever. I will never get to hold him again, never get to smell him again. Never get to feel his fingers against my lips as I kiss them. Its so hard to bring those memories to the forefront of my mind. They seem like dreams. It happened so fast, too fast for me to lock them away.
I know many of you reading this have been through this, some of you very recently like me. I am sorry for your loss and know the pain you must feel too. My heart breaks every time I look at the photos around my house of the little boy that will never be, and know that you feel the same. I am sorry you are with me in this pain, sorry that your arms are empty too and yet I feel so much less lonely knowing I am not going through this alone.
I wake up sometimes in the night. I realize that there is no one to get up to nurse, there is no one who is crying for me. It is silent, too silent.