Maybe its because the wound is still so fresh. Maybe its because we are getting ready for the memorial. Maybe its because you never really get over it but I feel like crap right now. I miss my baby. My arms are empty and while I love Grayson and he fills my heart with such joy, there is still this hole in my heart and in my arms and in my life.
Jonathan is missing. I had him in my arms for a brief second and then he was gone. Gone forever. I will never get to hold him again, never get to smell him again. Never get to feel his fingers against my lips as I kiss them. Its so hard to bring those memories to the forefront of my mind. They seem like dreams. It happened so fast, too fast for me to lock them away.
I know many of you reading this have been through this, some of you very recently like me. I am sorry for your loss and know the pain you must feel too. My heart breaks every time I look at the photos around my house of the little boy that will never be, and know that you feel the same. I am sorry you are with me in this pain, sorry that your arms are empty too and yet I feel so much less lonely knowing I am not going through this alone.
I wake up sometimes in the night. I realize that there is no one to get up to nurse, there is no one who is crying for me. It is silent, too silent.
4 comments:
Good luck with the memorial this weekend. We'll be thinking about you, and wishing we where there. I'm sorry you guys are going through this. We love you!
Good luck with the memorial this weekend. We'll be thinking about you, and wishing we where there. I'm sorry you guys are going through this. We love you!
I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet Jonathan. I lost my first baby Sydney to anencephaly almost 6 years ago. It definitely feels like a part of me is missing and always will be. I'm not sure if you have found it yet or not, but I belong to a great group of parents who have lost children to anencephaly. It still serves as a comfort to me when I miss my little girl. If you're interested, it's http://groups.yahoo.com/group/anencephalyblessingsfromabove
My prayers are with you,
Kara
I'm not sure if you remember me. I knew you from the gdiapers group, I just asked about you the other day and Tory and Jordan directed me to your blog.
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have no real words of encouragement since I've never experienced anything even near this and I won't pretend I know what your going through. But I just wanted to let you know a lot of people are praying for you and keeping you in their thoughts.
Natalie
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