Portland Childrens Museum

Yesterday we went to Portland Children's Museum. They have a new Bob the Builder exhibit. Grayson loved it! He loves trucks and tractors and tools and anything remotely manly. :) We love going there and have membership and since its about 20 minutes away its an easy jaunt. Even easier now that gas has gone back down to a reasonable price! (Our Costco is about $2 right now! too bad I have nowhere to stock pile gas!)

Grayson with "Scoop"

digging in the rubber pit

explaining or asking, not sure which, where the balls go when they are sucked up
in the water play area, we save this for last.
He loves it but he ends up soaked!

Broken by Lindsey Haun

BROKEN
Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky.
Then it starts to rain, my defenses hit the ground.
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed
I found strength in the struggle.
Face to face with my troubles
When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah
When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken
Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find its place
When you're broken, when you're broken
When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken
Oh, when you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

Sleep won't come

I am depressed. I just want to cry. Why me?! Why did my baby have to die when so many others get to live and be healthy?! Why do so many horrible people get to have babies who grow to be sweet little children?! I want my baby!

I got his death certificate in the mail tonight. Is there anything worse? A babies death certificate.

Second Annual Halloween Parade

When we first moved into our new neighborhood last summer we met a lot of great people and families. When fall rolled around one of those friends, Cindy mentioned wanting to do a Halloween Parade. So she threw it together and we all went marching around the neighborhood in our costumes. I was a barrel of Monkeys, Grayson was a Monkey and Zack was (wait for it.....drum roll please) a banana. :)

This year with all that has happened with Jonathan I just didn't feel like dedicating the time, money and energy much less the brain power to finding us all matching costumes. So we only dressed up Grayson. We had a ton of people turn out for this years Parade though which was nice. Last year we were knocking on doors as we went trying to get more kiddos out in costume.

After we walk the neighborhood with our costumes and instruments we meet at the park for apple cider and donut holes. Cause no Halloween is complete without donut holes.

I just liked her costume- she is so cute!

Zack throwing Grayson- G loves it!

Our friend Libby- she is horny ;P

Jonathan's Memorial

Tonight we had Jonathan's Memorial. It was great. We had a good turnout, thank you to everyone who was able to come. It really means a lot that you were here for us. If you were unable to make it, that is obviously ok. We know you were thinking of us. :)

Grayson

We had told people 3-6 and had a steady stream that whole time. We had many close friends come, some acquaintances and even Hillsboro's current mayor. Zack really does know everyone.

Jon and Christa friends of ours who lost their beautiful little girl to Anencephaly as well.

Holly

Krista, Me and Matt my former boss

Kincaid ( when I started as his nanny he was 6 and would wear no other shoe but cowboy boots) Matt, Kerry, Rodger (hiding) and Mindy

A bunch of people

Me hugging Julie- she gave us a beautiful stone for the garden.

We watched the DVD that Elle had made for us, which was amazing. The photos that Emma had taken turned out great, not that I would expect any less but I had only seen 4 so it was nice to see so many more. I guess she took almost 600 photos. It will be fun to see them all when we get the disc back from Elle. Since I was the one on the lens side of things it will be fun to see the whole night as a spectator.

The food Geneva way outdid herself on!

Date Night

Zack and I went on the first real date we have had in a long time. Sadly he'd had a rough day and was pretty distracted. We tried to enjoy it anyway and went to the Venetian in Downtown Hillsboro for appetizers wine and a movie. It was great. I love the atmosphere there and the owner is a friend of ours so all the more reason to support the place. After our yummy snack we went into the theatre and watched Mama Mia.

I have always wanted to see Mama Mia when it was on Broadway and we tried when we were in NYC for our honeymoon but we couldn't get tickets, they were sold out for months! So alas now I have seen the movie instead. It was really good, Zack hated it but I figured he would. LOL. All that singing of ABBA songs, and goofy plot... sigh... chick flicks are great. :) It made me happy. It may need to buy it for the next time I am depressed (it is on DVD yet? I may need it soon) to cheer me up. :)

If you have no idea what its about the story is of a bride-to-be trying to find her real father told using hit songs by the popular '70s group ABBA. Meryl Streep and Peirce Brosnan are in it as well as others not as well knowns.

Anyway, it was good, I am pooped and now I should go to bed. We have a big day tomorrow.

Missing my baby today

Maybe its because the wound is still so fresh. Maybe its because we are getting ready for the memorial. Maybe its because you never really get over it but I feel like crap right now. I miss my baby. My arms are empty and while I love Grayson and he fills my heart with such joy, there is still this hole in my heart and in my arms and in my life.

Jonathan is missing. I had him in my arms for a brief second and then he was gone. Gone forever. I will never get to hold him again, never get to smell him again. Never get to feel his fingers against my lips as I kiss them. Its so hard to bring those memories to the forefront of my mind. They seem like dreams. It happened so fast, too fast for me to lock them away.

I know many of you reading this have been through this, some of you very recently like me. I am sorry for your loss and know the pain you must feel too. My heart breaks every time I look at the photos around my house of the little boy that will never be, and know that you feel the same. I am sorry you are with me in this pain, sorry that your arms are empty too and yet I feel so much less lonely knowing I am not going through this alone.

I wake up sometimes in the night. I realize that there is no one to get up to nurse, there is no one who is crying for me. It is silent, too silent.

Breast Feeding- Breast is best!

Many people know that I am very passionate about breast feeding and that I breast fed Grayson for just over 16 months. I had planned to BF until he was 2 but when I was pregnant with Jonathan it became very uncomfortable.

Grayson has always been a very sensitive boy and has loved having babies to carry around and love. Before he showed any interest in them Zack had mentioned he didn't want him have dolls as toys. But when he saw how interested G was and I reminded him that being nurturing is a good thing and we want G to be a good daddy someday and this is the first step, he relented. :)

Now G is on his second baby doll- his first ones head is about to fall off... I said he was nurturing but he is a boy after all and Baby is sometimes used as a baseball bat. He also has various animals he loves to lug around. "Ooh Ooh" is his favorite right now, that is the one that matches both of ours and Jonathan's. He loves Ooh Ooh and pretty much takes him everywhere and asks for him by name to go to bed (along with "Baby", "Doggie", and his blankets- he may be like his mom a bit)

So back to my point, breast feeding. I have often felt a bit of a twinge of guilt or something when I handed G a bottle to feed his babies. I guess I just feel breast is best and even boys should be taught that. I usually had an ever so brief thought of telling him to BF his baby, but figured his daddy would about have a heart attack so it was a brief thought.

Imagine my delight when yesterday morning G climbs in bed with us and unzips his jammies to nurse his Ooh Ooh. :) I laughed so hard and was so proud! I think Zack might have been a little too.

Jonathan's Memorial Garden

This last Thursday was Zack's 30th birthday and he decided that for his birthday money from his mom he wanted to plant a Jonathan Memorial Garden in the front yard. With all the family in tow we went to Home Depot and bought plants. Eveyone (Melissa, Warren, Allie, Linda- Zack and Mel's mom and our little family) was able to pick one that they loved to put in the garden. It turned out really gorgeous.
We had discussed doing a fountain but we were unable to find one to fit in our limited budget so we decided to do it next spring. Saturday after everyone left to go back to San Diego Zack was out running errands and picked up all the pieces for the one pictured. He made this one in our garage! I love how it turned out and can't wait until its totally finished.

Zack's mom bought us the stone to memorialize Jonathan in a personal way with his little name plate on it. It all turned out so well.As a side note, those who are interested who may have not have heard... This Saturday is Jonathan's Memorial at our house. It's an open house from 3-6. If you are interested in more information, email me at jsbuquet@gmail.com

Roloff Farms

Two pumpkin patches in two days! I think that might be a record for us. :) The kids had a great time seeing all the pumpkins and going on the hay ride to see the whole farm and the old western town that Matt Roloff built for his kids. It is an amazing farm. And best yet, Amy, the mom of the family was out greeting people when it was time to leave. What a great morning!

Sign Language adventures

Grayson and his buddy Jimmy.

We got this pumpkin, it has a great handle! Like "my" hat?

Grayson and Molly

Today we went to Lake View Farms with our American Sign Language group. We meet once a week either at our friend Darla's house or ours or at a fun place to practice sign language and teach others. I started signing to G at birth and he started signing back to me "milk" at 5 months. He only knew the one sign though so he signed it for EVERYTHING! He now knows and regularly does about 20-25 signs (he has more words though)

We had a great time finding our little pumpkins. This is the first time G has been to the pumpkin patch and could walk so it was fun to get pictures of him walking along the patch, though he would have preferred I hold his hand the whole time.

Tomorrow off to Roloff Farms with the fam!

Happy 30th Birthday Zack!

Today is Zack's 30th birthday. Poor guy had to work today so when he got home we had his favorite meal waiting for him~ Round Steak and rice, a Cajun dish. (funny side note- when we were first married I tried to make it and was told how but was not told how much of the key ingredient to actually use. I was told "you can't use too much Tony Chachere's so just dump it in until it looks right." Mind you I had only seen it once at that point so right was all relative. And apparently you CAN use too much. It was inedible.) Melissa also made a delicious Jello Poke Cake. It's a favorite from their childhood.

Then it was on to presents. Grayson and I had bought him a ring with an inscription on the inside that said "Best Daddy GA JM (and room for another babe or two. :) It doesn't photograph well, unfortunately. We also got him a framed 8x 10 of Jonathan and a lovely little poem and cut outs of Jonathan's feet. I just love that photo and so does Zack.

Zack's mom gave him some lovely sentimental things as well, Jesse gave him the DVD's of Prison Break and Melissa gave him an Ooh Ooh which is Grayson's name for the monkey that Jonathan gave him and us. We also had Jonathan cremated with his so he would not be alone. But I have been hogging the one that Zack and I have so Melissa felt he needed his own. He is very cute isn't he?
And now we are playing Wii bowling that my dad bought us recently. We love Wii. We are still trying to master bowling and some are better than others (rude). I am working on it... okay!

Happy Birthday to my Dear Sweet Amazing husband!

Thank you's!

I feel so blessed by the many people who have come forward to leave us lovely comments, well wishes, prayers and thoughts. I know I should probably pop in and thank all of you individually but I am just not able to do that with as little time as I have to begin with. Please know that I read every single comment and everyone of them has touched me and my family. They are all sent directly to my email as soon as you click publish so I read them quickly. They always lift my heart and my spirits. I have felt like I have been floating on all of your prayers for weeks now. thank you.

October 15th

Is National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant loss. I just recently found out about this and I guess for us it brings even more special meaning since we lost Jonathan just days before.

My friend Geneva sent me the link to this blog and she had a lovely idea to use her blog for others to post comments about the loss that they have experienced. So while it is not my idea, I love it so much that I am going to borrow it.

"If you have lost a baby (and yes, I consider a miscarriage in ANY week to be the loss of a life) to infant death or miscarriage, I want the honor of praying for you. But I want others to be able to pray for you as well, the way they have for me. So, if you are one of those women, will you please leave a comment on this post and tell us your name, the nature of your loss (date, what happened etc), and the child/children's names so that we can pray for you.

You may post as "anonymous" for this post (I have altered settings to allow this), and you are welcome to leave as much info as you feel comfortable. If you don't want to share private information, you are welcome to just say, "I lost a baby" and we will pray for you. "

What a beautiful thing to do.

Today when I was shopping I ran across a lovely little poem:

A wee bit of heaven drifted down from above
A handful of happiness
A heart full of love.

Just like Angie from Bring the Rain I will start.

My name is Jaimey Buquet. I lost my second child Jonathan Mitchell October 9, 2008 just 3 short hours after his birth to Anencephaly.

I hope that the people who have uplifted me so much can help others as well. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child in any capacity.

A day of Firsts

Today was a day of firsts.

My SIL and BIL are still being amazing and keeping our house clean and tidy and watching G and such. Today they got both kiddos ready and headed out the door to Silver falls with them. It was the first time have let G go on a long car ride with someone besides me. Zack has not even taken him out of the area without me, much less an hour and half away. Not that I am anal or anything (giggle- snort) but we just go everywhere together for the most part. But today I got brave so that I could get some birthday stuff done for Zack. I cried as soon as the car left. :( First time I cried when my child left me too.

It was also a first day without anyone around me since I had Jonathan and one of the few days I have ever had without Grayson. I almost always have my little shadow running after me and as much as I long for time alone I missed him the second he was gone and almost called them to tell them to come back. Almost. I decided it was a growing experience for me to let him be with them. So I grew.

Zack is turning 30 tomorrow and I have been so busy trying to birth Jonathan and get through my days that I have focused little on my husband- sadly and reluctantly. Today was all about him. I will post tomorrow the photos of the gifts but today they are still secret.

It was also a first for me going to the funeral home to pick up Jonathan's cremains by myself. I hope to never have to do it again. I sobbed all the way from downtown Hillsboro to the end of town and while I was able to maintain some sort of decorum inside I lost it almost the second I got out the doors. I sobbed all the way to the car and as soon as I got in the car I realized what I was holding for real and I just lost it completely.

I don't think I have ever sobbed that hard in my life. Its hard to believe I only got 3 hours with my beautiful little boy. And that is all I get. Forever. I realized I should not have gone there myself. Probably the first time for that too.

this post is seeming to get all wonky so on that note goodnite.

blah

When I started writing about my feeling when I first found out about Jonathan's condition I realized I was sharing with whoever happened to stumble on my blog. And something about that was comforting. It made me feel so much less alone.

I had tried to find anyone else going through this at the same time and came up short. I am sure they are out there but being as rare as it is I guess its just harder. I have made one friend in this whole thing who has been in this situation and she has been amazing. I know after a year and a half of losing her angel she still struggles.

I was doing ok. I was feeling good about how things went. I have been trying to tell myself that losing Jonathan was a privilege. That we were given this amazing gift to have had almost 3 hours with Jonathan. But the truth is I want my baby. I want him still in my belly. I want to feel him kick and wiggle and know that he is safe. I want to know that he will live. I want the whole fat pregnancy. I want to watch him grow up and play like I watch Grayson play. I want Grayson to be a big brother to a brother who can play with him.
I want to be the mommy of two little boys. I want to be happy.

I don't want to day dream about a child who won't have a happy long life. I don't want empty arms. I don't want to get looks of pity from people who know. I don't want to look pregnant anymore. I don't want to have to tell Grayson his brother is an angel anymore. I don't want it, any of it. I don't want to cry anymore.

(written last night but not published until today- I am feeling a little better now)

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Photos

Emma, our photographer, sent us a few photos and while I have been checking my email on the hour since we got home they have been sitting in my spam box. Stupid spam.

If you don't know about Now I lay me down to sleep .com you have to visit them. They were started 3 odd years ago when Cheryl and her husband had lost their son Maddox. Now they have 6000 photographers all over the country helping to bring families lasting memories in one of the worst times of their lives. I know these have helped us.

If you are feeling generous I urge you to make a donation to this wonderful organization. That is what makes it free to families, that and the awesome photographers who are on call around the clock to donate their time to do this.

I think I speak for all the families who have been blessed with gorgeous photos like these, Thank you.



I just couldn't keep these gorgeous photos to myself. :)

Thank you!

I should also add that we had quite a few wonderful visitors during our stay at the hospital.
Thank you to Stephanie, Corie, Diana, Krista, Jamie, my mom, brother and his girlfriend, my SIL and he daughter Allie, and Grayson for visiting while I labored. Jonathan was lucky enough to get to meet my mom, brother- Jesse, SIL- Melissa, Allie, Grayson, and our friend Keith.

Our amazing photographers Emma and Tasha were with us most of Wednesday night as well and into the wee hours. We appreciate all you did. Thank you.

We also had the best staff of nurses and doctors. In order of when we met them: Susan, Dr. Steve- our perinatologist, Alicia, Dr. Wendy, Andrea, Bethany, Dr. Susie- who delivered, Toni, and my midwife who stopped in to check on my often Paula. thank you all. We really felt supported through all we went through in your care. (If I forgot you I am sorry and its not because you were not great.)

Our delivery part 2

Finally I took a nap. Later that afternoon (Wednesday) I was dilated to 10 YEAH! I had finally gotten there. I was elated. I felt like nothing could stop me from having my Vbac now. It was such a high. Now I just wanted to meet my baby and I was getting impatient....

I was checked quite a few times after that only to hear that he was still not engaged enough to push, that his bag of water was in the way. We had elected to not rupture the placenta because I read online that with Anencephaly there is a higher risk of demise in utero if you pop the bag of water unnaturally. I theorize that it is because it puts too much pressure on their heads and since Jonathan was breech it would matter little but we still felt more comfortable not rupturing it. So I sat there for 5 or so hours trying to get him engaged.

They finally put me on Pitosin, but only up to #4 (With Grayson, a full Pit induction I was up to #40 the highest...) to try and get him pushed further in. I would feel pressure and then it would dissipate as he backed out of engagement after each contraction. Finally around 2 am, I felt a lot of pressure. The current on call Dr. came in (my Dr. is Jewish and had to leave for fasting) who was amazing, Dr. Lim and she said even though nothing seemed to have changed, if I felt like pushing I was fine to do so. So she got ready and in position.

Somewhere in this time, the lovely epidural that I had been on had started beeping. From the beginning it was almost entirely on my left side. I could do the can-can with my right leg but could not even move my left. I kept trying to roll onto the right to get it to even out and it would for a minute but the second I rolled flat again it was back to wonky. So when it started beeping, the anesthesiologist was called and while we all thought she was fixing it, I was a little surprised to find that my button to dose myself was not working when I pushed it just before actually having him. I called Zack to figure out what was wrong and he says "Where is it?" When I turned around it was gone.

So now I realize everything I am feeling I will continue to feel. I feel another contraction coming and as Zack starts to count I start to push. HERE IS THE NICE FLUFFY NOT GROSS ENDING- After a few more pushes he was out. In total I pushed for 30-40 minutes, probably about 10 sets of 3. It was an amazing and easy delivery.

ALTERNATE ENDING FOR THE ONES WHO WANT THE DETAILS! THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GROSS- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ MORE IT'S OK STOP HERE. Cut back in further down after the diaper photo. :)


Toward the beginning I was asked if I wanted to have a mirror and I had said no. But as I progressed and everyone was seeing what I couldn't I got more curious. The water bag was coming first, as we knew it would, and it was really cool. Everyone kept saying it was cool looking, so finally right before the end I relented and asked for the mirror. Just as nurse Bethany got it set up I looked up and see this hand go by. I almost screamed. It was the most amazing thing I have ever had the pleasure to witness. No one else saw it but me. It was like he was waving at just me.

Then I just gave it my everything, I was determined to get him out. I think I pushed two more big pushed and the water bag started to come out, then ruptured and went flooding everywhere. In a blob I see Jonathan rush by and land either on the bed right below me or in the Dr.'s hands though I can't be sure. He was immediately clipped and his umbilical cord cut and put on my chest in a towel.

CUT BACK IN FOR GROSSNESS AVOIDERS. :)
Amazingly he came out breathing, there was only basic cleaning of his nostrils. He never cried or really moved. But we expected that. It just takes so much effort for movement out side of the womb. He was weightless in utero and I am thankful that he had the feeling of movement. I don't think he had sight but he opened his eyes. At first we didn't bother with a diaper, because it was unlikely that he would have a bowel movement, but after we got a little wet when he piddled we put the tiniest diaper I have ever seen on him.

We spent the next 2 hours and 50 minutes holding and kissing and cuddling our amazing little boy. It was hard to tell if he was breathing or not so we kept listening for his heartbeat until he didn't have one anymore. And then we held and kissed and loved him even more.

Finally we slept. And when I woke up I wanted to hold him more. I knew this would be all I got so I tried to hold him as much as possible. My friends Diana and Corie both came to visit and held him as well. Zack was in and out getting food and going for a walk in this time. But when I wasn't holding Jonathan he was.

He will forever leave his tiny footprints on our hearts. This I am sure. Thanks for coming to us Jonathan Mitchell Buquet. We are forever grateful. I love you~ Mommy.