Monday, September 21, 2009

Tomorrow is a new day

Today as I got really mad at Grayson for having a pee accident I realized how much my moods are fluctuating lately. I have been a long time sufferer of depression off and on my whole life though I was not diagnosed until a few years ago. After I had Grayson I had Postpartum Depression pretty badly starting about 4 months after his birth. To the point that while I would care for him and spend my days and nights attached to him (literally) I felt so detached from that time. And when he would scream endlessly (colic and reflux) I would feel the anxiety and anger well up in my chest. I wanted to throw him. Luckily I got help. I never hurt my child or myself.

Luckily or unluckily for me many people in my family are sufferers of depression or bipolar disorder. And even more than that have never been diagnosed but I suspect they too have depression tendencies. I say luckily, because long before I was diagnosed I knew what to look for and how debilitating it can be. Also luckily for me, I have never gotten to the point of not being able to get out of bed or function. I get lazy, disinterested, lack enthusiasm, sad and hopeless. And lonely.

That is the worst. How alone one feels when depressed.

While I try to control it myself to the best of my ability sometimes something has got to give. I was completely unmedicated during the entire time we were finding out about and having Jonathan but something lately has shifted. I don't know if its PPD again, pregnancy, the shift of the two at the same time or all the crap stress in my life right now or something else entirely but my head is all wonky again. I finally locked G in his room and me in mine and just cried this after noon.

I was scared. I felt so out of control with him and he had not napped so nothing I said was sinking in no matter how I tried which left me feeling more out of control and flustered. After a brief 10 minutes of both of us in tears, I opened our doors and we cuddled, talked and had a much lovelier afternoon.

I emailed my dr right after that.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I will have more patience.


eireann said...

not that i have much experience, but - i remember one night in particular with hannah, she was maybe three weeks old. she screamed for hours and nothing brian or i could do could calm her down. she would nurse and then scream. i was ready to throw her out the window.

at my mommy group, they always tell us that IT IS OKAY to just put your baby down in their crib, shut the door, and walk away. take a shower if you need to, and the sound of the water will drown out their cries. obviously G is a little bigger than a baby but i would think the same still applies. IT IS OKAY for you to give him a time out so you can have a time out. it does not make you a bad mom. it makes you a good mom, for being able to recognize in yourself that you are getting to a certain point, instead of letting it go until you say or do something you might regret.

besides, when he's all grown up, he won't remember this at all. :)

1snappyfamily said...

Hey, you! Thanks for your honest post. People are drawn to your blog because you're willing to be open about what you're going through...and so many people out there can relate! I just wanted to pass on what I've learned recently. Doctors have of course notoriously been very cautious about prescribing antidepressants during pregnancy. However, there have been many recent studies that indicate the effects of depression/anxiety can be more harmful to the fetus than the risk you take using antidepressants during pregnancy. Anyway, I'm glad you called the doctor you can be healthy, happy Mommy!
Hang in there!

Love you tons,

rae ann said...

i second melissa. i was diagnosed with PPD and put on antidepressants when i was half way through ivy's pregnancy. the emotions are real. i'm so glad you reached out for help!

Jaimey said...

Erin- I think putting him down when he was little is what saved both our lives sometimes. He was a really easy baby until 6 pm and then all hell broke loose. I hope he won't remember but I try to fix it so it doesn't perpetuate into the land of when he will...

Melis- I agree with that study. I have little qualms about being on an antidepressant (depending on the drug) during pregnancy, though I try to not be on anything during the first trimester.

Rea- thanks for chiming in. It helps to know others who have been through the same things. Depression is too lonely a place as it is.