Friday, December 11, 2009

Fall from grace.

3 am. That is what time I woke up this morning. I have been tossing and turning for over an hour. I guess the stress and pressure is just too much right now. And wouldn't you know it I am supposed to work both jobs today- starting at 730 ending at 11 pm. ugh.

Do you ever feel like you are chasing your tail? Like no matter what you do you are stuck in groundhog day?

Two days ago we got a wage garnishment notice in the mail from one of the credit card companies we owe from last year when Zack was unemployed. What I didn't realize when I read it, the sinking feeling filling my stomach, is that they had already put in to our bank to start pulling. Zack found that out when he called the lawyer for the CC company. He ran to the bank and pulled out what was not already paid to bills. Hopefully they don't take that before it comes out. Hopefully they don't get to Target before we work it out.

They might be willing to work out a payment plan. They won't know until today. We have been supposed to file bankruptcy for a year. But it costs money. Now there is a catch 22! We don't have money. And now with the mortgage modification pending we have to wait until its finalized or they can take the house. Joy. Just keeps getting better and better.

I can feel a huge mental breakdown on the horizon for me. I hate the pit in my stomach I have come to know. I hate the fact that everything is on me right now. And I am about to give birth any second. Then what? Who carries it then? I know much is out of my control, but I feel like the universe has once again taken a giant crap on our family. When does it end? When is enough, enough? I don't know if there are enough meds in the world to head off what I feel is coming if something doesn't give soon.

If the universe is trying to break my spirit it just might be working. I am barely holding it together right now. I am one of those people who puts on the brave face and makes it work. The "just keep swimming" sort. I carry the load and make it work. I act like its all fine and things will work out. And sometimes I even believe myself. Until I can't. Then I fall to pieces. In a soggy blubbering mess of tears.

So here I sit at 430 in the morning blogging to the world, the universe PLEADING to just let up! Please! I don't know how much more I can take.


Karen said...

I am so sorry. You are way stronger than I would be in your spot. I will send out some prayers for better things for your family.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that we are going thru this and I am so sorry that you are feeling stressed.

We will make it thru this. We have no other option.

I love you so much.

Zack- Hubby.

embee said...

I found your blog through a link on the unnecessarean awhile ago. anyway, praying for you and your family.

Kathleen said...

Hugs and prayers from a faithful lurker.

PBrown9624 said...

Keeping you in my prayers. You have been through so much! Hope things will get better soon.

Jen said...

To make the most beautiful silver pieces you need to hold the silver to the fire until it almost catches on fire. We are Gods silver and he holds us to the fire and pulls us back just before we catch to make us as beautiful as possible. I promise he won't let you catch on fire. Things will get better, one way or the other. It may not work out the way you intended, but the way he does. We went through a crappy financial spell a few years ago and I was no where near as strong as you have showed yourself to be. If I can make it I know without a doubt you can too.