Two years ago if you have asked me what I thought about my impending 30th birthday I would have told you that "age is just a number" or "meah- its all good!".
But that was before. Before I found out the baby I was carrying had "something" wrong. After the US to confirm Anencephaly we were ushered into the genetic counselors office to talk about why and so she could explain some things to us. In that conversation the whole voice in my head on birthday's was changed.
She said "...given your ADVANCED maternal age..." I was 29.
I almost peed my pants. I still do when I think of those words.
When I was visiting my dad in April I mentioned that every day I was not pregnant felt like a waste of a day. I felt like every unpreg day was a day I should be getting pregnant because I was getting older~ every day! Every minute. Every second.
Now my birthday is Tuesday and I want to cry. I know I am pregnant and it should all just dissolve and be fine in my head but its not. Now I feel like I am that much closer to 35, which in my head is my baby cut off. I never wanted to be over 35 having children because of how much higher the percentages are of things that go wrong. But now... Now having had a baby with Anencephaly so young, I feel like I am aged somehow. I want to be done as soon as I can.
I don't want to be 30. Or 35. Or anything in between.
I refuse to have this birthday.