Sunday, July 26, 2009

30- blah

Two years ago if you have asked me what I thought about my impending 30th birthday I would have told you that "age is just a number" or "meah- its all good!".

But that was before. Before I found out the baby I was carrying had "something" wrong. After the US to confirm Anencephaly we were ushered into the genetic counselors office to talk about why and so she could explain some things to us. In that conversation the whole voice in my head on birthday's was changed.

She said "...given your ADVANCED maternal age..." I was 29.

I almost peed my pants. I still do when I think of those words.


When I was visiting my dad in April I mentioned that every day I was not pregnant felt like a waste of a day. I felt like every unpreg day was a day I should be getting pregnant because I was getting older~ every day! Every minute. Every second.

Now my birthday is Tuesday and I want to cry. I know I am pregnant and it should all just dissolve and be fine in my head but its not. Now I feel like I am that much closer to 35, which in my head is my baby cut off. I never wanted to be over 35 having children because of how much higher the percentages are of things that go wrong. But now... Now having had a baby with Anencephaly so young, I feel like I am aged somehow. I want to be done as soon as I can.

I don't want to be 30. Or 35. Or anything in between.

I refuse to have this birthday.


eireann said...

i felt like that even not having had problems with our pregnancy... 35 is also my cutoff age. given that we did not get married until i was 26, i have been kind of feeling pressured (internally) to have kids. now even more than ever - i don't know if i want a second baby (i'm sure i will, but still) but if we're going to have it then we NEED to get going. i mean, i'm 31. if i miscarried or something, it would be even more time before i got pregnant again, and i would be even older. brian is 34, and i don't want him to be "ancient" when we have a second baby. i don't know if anything i just said makes sense, but.

i'm with you. this whole age thing sucks. let's just boycott birthdays from now on. except for the cake part, i can handle the cake part.

my3sons said...

I understand your feelings with the age thing. I just wanted to tell you that I had my fist son at age 30, second at age 33 and third at age 37! You have plenty of time! I know that having lost a child it is not the same, but I wanted to tell you that 30 isn't old:) My husband was 34 when we got married. He is now 45 and we have a 2 year old. It seems that most of our kids friends are our age. People are just "older" when having children these days. I was scared when I was "advanced maternal age" but know that A lOT of moms are! Good luck!

Random Steph said...

I'm sorry, but 29 is not an advanced maternal age. Not at all. That lady might know genetics and be a brilliant scientist, but not culture.

My mom was 34 when she had me. In 1980. Then she had my sister when she was 36. She had some challenges with both pregnancies, but they weren't due to AGE! It had more to do with her physical build and would have affected her at any age. My mother is an RN. And that didn't stop her.

Don't let let the genetic expert rent space in your head! Only God knows what is really possible.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Here's a big hug and a little prayer. We'll just skip this birthday. There are plenty in your 30s. We'll celebrate next year really big. ;)

Anonymous said...

Sorry that you are feeling sad.

I love you babe.

~your hubby~

Geneva said...

Butbutbut....there will be cupcakes!

Miss Y said...

Oh, Jaimey... I can imagine how yucky that must feel. I still can't believe that I won't be having a baby by 25, as I always thought I would - and I've had six years to get used to the idea! I hope you're getting through it with lots of kisses from G (and Z, of course!).

Anonymous said...

Honey.... 30 isn't old, neither is 35!

And I know many many ladies who have babies late 30s early 40s even.

and by the way... 30 and 35 are NOT old.

~denise, who is turning 38 this year!