Friday, August 8, 2008

Baby oh baby.

You know you never think its going to be you. Its never going to be me who has that horrible car accident. Its never going to be me who gets divorced. Its never going to be me who loses a child.

In January my younger cousin Jake and his girlfriend Amanda lost their son to SIDS. He was 8 weeks old. I remember hugging them and telling them I would be there if they needed anything. Knowing they would never call on me because what could I offer? I have never been there, don't know how they feel. And really I prayed I never would. Now I am. So much for it will never be me.

I now know how they feel. You can't decide if you should scream, cry, laugh hysterically (because this HAS TO BE A BAD JOKE!) or run in front of a bus. I never thought it would be me. I am losing a child. I was planning a birth a week ago and now I am planning a memorial service. You can never plan for it, never know how you will react.

My son, Jonathan, will come and go with little more than a breath and yet he has touched so many lives. I will forever be grateful for whatever time I have with him, however long he is in my arms.

I think the things I struggle with the most right now are all the unknowns. As a control freak I have a hard time with not knowing and not being able to "take care of it". Will he know for sure we love him? Does he feel any pain? What are the right choices for him? Why?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?! There are no answers. There may never be.

1 comment:

Geneva said...

There's no question he already knows that he is so loved. Sweet Jonathan already has the most wonderful family, and, like you said, though his time in your arms will be terribly short, his time in your heart will not end. I know it's not worth much, but I AM here, if there's anything you need.