On a lighter note

Grayson was being extraordinarily cute the other day at our friend Libby's house. Here is the result.

Grumpy

GRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrumpy. That is what I am this afternoon. I get that it is probably par for the course but I am just angry today. I am so tired of pretending I am not pregnant in public so people won't ask me or congratulate me. I want to be excited about my baby, I want to be happy that I am pregnant. And granted I do cherish every second we have him but sometimes its just too much to think about.

I just spent two hours at the park with some friends and some acquaintances. The friends know what is going on. The rest don't. So there I sit in a tight top and warm up pants cause when I left I didn't feel like changing into something else that covered better. Lately I go out in public with a big puffy vest on so that you can't see what is under it for sure. So there I sit, slumped over so it just looks like I am fat. I don't want to tell them I am pregnant. I don't want to tell them he will die. I don't want more well wishes. I just want my baby!

The worst I think is the things people say when they don't know what to say but feel compelled to say something anyway. For the record- Say you are sorry and leave it at that. Anything more and you are going to put your foot in your mouth. People mean well they really do so I don't hold a grudge and I have no hard feelings if you are reading this and you are one of the people who said these things, but for the love of Pete! PLEASE don't tell me that God works miracles and just to hope. Um ya, thanks my baby is a miracle but no he is not going to miraculously grow a brain at 6 months gestation and be fine. That is just not going to happen. Yes I am sure he of his diagnosis. I would not take it lying down. And yes, I would get a second opinion if I was unsure. We are not. We have seen 3D ultrasounds, he has no brain. Simple as that and its obvious. Unfortunately, anencephalic babies usually don't form a skull either and sadly he didn't.

I don't mean to be harsh, ungrateful or anything else. I am just angry and grumpy. Off to eat worms.

Update: Dr's apt

Just wanted to let everyone know that our next Dr's appointment is not until September 2 at 11.
The specialist is out of town until then. We also have the counselor and whoever else at that appointment. I may or may not have another Ultra-sound at that time. From there we will have a better idea of the timing of Jonathan's induction and birth. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

R & R- Long Beach Washington

(click photos for larger view)
After we found out about Jonathan we decided it would be good to get away. Luckily, one of Zack's favorite clients had just offered to rent us their lovely beach house, cheap. So off we headed to Long Beach Washington. It is about 2.5 hours away. We left on Friday morning last week (after we picked Zack's sister Melissa and her daughter Allison from California, up from the airport) and came home on Thursday this week. It was a lovely week.

We spent the week enjoying the house, which was fabulous, playing on the beach when the weather cooperated. We went to the Sunday market with our friends Wade, Di and Jeremiah and Melissa and Allie who came up for the weekend. Astoria is an amazing little town on the edge of Oregon, about 30 minutes from where we were staying. That is where the movie Goonies was filmed. We tried to find the house but we were unable to, we did see the jail from the movie though. We also bumped into our old neighbor Brett from our old Jackson st neighborhood. He and his wife moved last year to Astoria for a job opportunity. We ended up finding a fabulous park.

Overall we had an amazing time and it was good to get away and not think about the things at home or obligations and things needing done.

Here are some pics from the trip.
kiddos sleeping on the way there.

Wade, Di and Jeremiah us, Melissa and Allie

Family in the sand













We love you Jonathan! You will always be in our hearts!

Dead Man's Cove at Cape Disappointment. Above the cove is a lovely lighthouse.

The lighthouse above the cove, which is behind the "white" topped rocks

The kiddos at Waikiki Beach at Cape Disappointment. There are these forts all over the beach. The kids had a blast playing in them. This Cape is one of the most dangerous areas for nautical navigation in the world and many many ships have parished.

Baby oh baby.

You know you never think its going to be you. Its never going to be me who has that horrible car accident. Its never going to be me who gets divorced. Its never going to be me who loses a child.

In January my younger cousin Jake and his girlfriend Amanda lost their son to SIDS. He was 8 weeks old. I remember hugging them and telling them I would be there if they needed anything. Knowing they would never call on me because what could I offer? I have never been there, don't know how they feel. And really I prayed I never would. Now I am. So much for it will never be me.

I now know how they feel. You can't decide if you should scream, cry, laugh hysterically (because this HAS TO BE A BAD JOKE!) or run in front of a bus. I never thought it would be me. I am losing a child. I was planning a birth a week ago and now I am planning a memorial service. You can never plan for it, never know how you will react.

My son, Jonathan, will come and go with little more than a breath and yet he has touched so many lives. I will forever be grateful for whatever time I have with him, however long he is in my arms.

I think the things I struggle with the most right now are all the unknowns. As a control freak I have a hard time with not knowing and not being able to "take care of it". Will he know for sure we love him? Does he feel any pain? What are the right choices for him? Why?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?! There are no answers. There may never be.

Jonathan Mitchell- our son

Many of you have received this in email for those who have not:

Hi friends and family,

We went in for an early ultra sound today and found out we are having a boy. His name is Jonathan Mitchell. It means Gift of God.

Unfortunately, that is not our only news. We also found out that our little boy has anencephaly which is a neural tube defect in which the brain does not form. He may not make it to term and will not survive outside the womb. His body may continue to grow as it should because his brain stem tells him so and I provide enough nutrients to do so.

Our current plan is to carry him as long as possible at which point I will birth him and Zack and I will hold him for as long as he is alive. Usually its only a few minutes.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask. We prefer to communicate over email at this time as talking tends to be harder. But in a few days or so if you'd like to call we'd love to hear from you at 503-352-4180.

Love, Jaimey, Zack, Grayson and Jonathan