A little Update.

I said I would do a bit of an update so I guess I will start here. This last year has been great. If you are a long time reader you know of the struggles our family has been through in the last few years. We have lost a business, lost a child, filed and completed a bankruptcy and lived to tell about it. Zack got a great job, with a company out of Minnesota and working from home. He also does some business consulting on the side. He is enjoying it and ends are meeting and that is a good feeling.

The boys are growing up well. Grayson is in Kindergarten and loving his sweet teachers and his full day dual language program (Spanish/ English). He is sucking learning up like a little sponge and it's amazing to watch. He loves the colors black and blue and has preferred black shirts and skinny jeans since he was old enough to voice it. My emo kid before he even knows what emo is. LOL. He enjoys drawing, play with his legos, learning to read and write and to spend time outside with his friends. He is also a very sweet big brother.

Jaxon is newly 3 and loves to do everything himself. We just registered for preschool in the fall and he is very excited about that. He loves to do everything Grayson is doing and then some. He loves to color, play with blocks and ride bikes and play in the sand. He is pretty emotional at this stage and is often angry about being told no. (Today he told me he wanted a new mommy cause I am mean for turning off the tv. Awesome)

Torin, our sweet youngest is 17 months old and climbs like he is 3. That child is giving me grey hair! If we leave one chair at the dining room table pulled out his radar kicks in and he is in the middle of the dining room table before you can exhale and turn around. He can climb the stairs faster than lightening if the gate is left open. He is equal parts love baby and demon and we love his giggles and snuggles. He enjoys his brothers and every toy they might think they want to play with. ;) He also loves his baby doll and to read books. He hands me books to read all.day.long.

I have been busy with various sewing projects, both for our family and home and with LoveyDoodle. I am currently working on custom ruffles for the Gift of Love gDiaper which is the diaper Ecomom did with gDiapers to benefit Hand to Heart International. It is the sweetest diaper with X's and O's all over it. And I must say ruffles make it about the cutest thing on the planet. I also attempt to keep up with my house (why bother, cleaning while you have small children is like shoveling snow while it's snowing... and I hired a cleaner this year to come twice a month.) and my children.

Overall, things have been pretty good. Which is why it is interesting to me that I struggle so much. I have been through some very hard things in my life and NOT been depressed or medicated through most of them. For me, it's the daily life that is often the hardest. The screaming, fighting children that make my ears bleed. The silly fights with my husband over nothing. The piles of laundry and dishes that seem endless. The angry HOA letters over a stupid weed. Those things pile and pile and pile on my shoulders making it feel like an impossible weight. One would think that after losing a child, the rest would be easy. 

One would be wrong. 

It's NOT all Good.

Wow! Has it really been over a year since I popped in? Anyone still attempting to read? (Doubtful but if so I thank you) I guess you could say I am an UNfair weather blogger. I pretty much have nothing to say unless I am struggling, and while I should have been at this the last year I was just too over whelmed with everything to even attempt. I'll do some catch up in a bit but for now...

Monday morning I woke up to an email from a friend telling me of the death of an amazing man. I didn't really know this man per se, but I had spoken with him once for about 30 minutes and he left an impact. He was Jody Sherman, co-founder and CEO of the web based store Ecomom. I have shopped at Ecomom for a year since I first heard about them from another friend. The email shared about his death and a cryptic message Jody's wife had posted on his Facebook page. She posted that he would have said goodbye if he could have but he knew he couldn't and he loved everyone he knew so much and they mattered to him. Cause of death wasn't specified at that point.

It was later announced that at 47, Jody's cause of death was "self inflicted gun shot wound"

I'll let that resonate.

I didn't know this man. I didn't know his life or his friends or his family. But I know his pain. I know what it's like to think for a second that it might be a viable option to cease to exist. I read those words and I was devastated. I cried. Real tears. For this man I never knew and for the family and wife he left behind. For the friends of his left the ask why? And how could THEY have prevented such a tragedy. No one saw it coming. I sent up a google alert minutes after reading the first reports and have read every single publication since (kind of obsessed now) and no one who knew him has said anything other than that they didn't see it coming. Some spoke to him that day and he seemed upbeat and energetic.



And that is how most people would describe me I think. I think most of us who have depression (I don't know that he did but most people who kill themselves struggle longer than just that moment) can fake it pretty well. We know all the right words and smile the biggest because to be seen in our real state is too vulnerable and too raw and honestly most people don't care to see it.

There is still a stigma along with depression. It's all good. It's gotta be.... Sad irony in that line. "It's all Good" is Ecomom's tag line. Maybe it was more obvious than anyone realized. If we say its all good enough, it will be so. Right?! Jody had a tattoo on his wrist. "I am awesome" and he was. No one would deny that... And yet I don't think HE knew it. I think that is more of a reminder to try and view himself in a light he knew others saw him in.

Everyday 84+ people commit suicide (last available daily records on suicide.org) and (50+% of that is by firearms... Don't get me started...) every single day

84+ people

That is a frightening number. That's 84+ people who felt they had no other options.

84+ people nationwide who left a wake of devastation in their final choice. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. There I said it. The fear, and agony is over for that person. But it's only begun for those in the wake. The sea of emotions and anger and questions that will never be answered because the one person who can is gone. Forever. That's just starting for the people in the wake.

These people don't mean to be selfish. They just want their pain to stop. And it does. But for people like Jody who do SO much good in their lives before their death, its just that much more a tragedy. Jody and Ecomom fed a child in need with each purchase. Amazing.

This week, 3 days after Jody's death, Ecomom announced the layoff of 19 of their headquarters employees. They are in dire straights it seems. (Go order from Ecomom, they have amazing products and free shipping over $50. I did and plan to order again today, I'm sure I need something)

I am so sad at the thought that this amazing little company could close its doors. I hope they can climb out of this devastation.

If you or someone you care about you suspect is thinking of ending their life please get help.

1-800- SUICIDE/ 1-800- 784-2433

Suicide.org: Prevention, Awareness, and Support