Monday, March 21, 2011


I feel lost.

There it is.

Maybe it is coming from all the emotions from taking the test today that will tell me if or Not that this baby is okay and does not have a neural tube defect like our sweet angel baby Jonathan. I hate that test and I love that test. It is the test I took that initially told us that Jonathan would not live, that the sweet baby I felt kicking inside me would die with in minutes of birth. I was his only source of life. I love that test and it's ability to tell me in advance, sparing me such anguish when I don't bring home a healthy child as I would have expected otherwise. I loath it because it tells me such horrible things.

That day will never leave my mind. I think a part of me was naive until that day. I took that test without a care for the results. It never even crossed my mind that it could come back as something other than fine. That doesn't happen to people like you and me.

I hope in the next few days to know again, as I did with Jaxon that all is well and baby is fine.
I will report back and maybe feel a little less lost.

This too shall pass right?


1snappyfamily said...

Hang in there, hon. We'll be waiting anxiously right along with you. =) Love you all!

Geneva said...

There aren't any words that will take away your anxiety, but I would gladly carry the fear for you, if I could, my friend. You're in my heart, and if there's anything you need, please call.

jenni said...

Thinking of you.

Kendra said...

You are in my thoughts, having been there before, I know how you feel! Praying for a healthy child on your behalf, preferably of the XX variety :)

domesticanomaly said...

Sending you good, healthy thoughts...