Torin James is here!!

I am slightly delayed but here is his story!

I woke up on Aug 30, his due date feeling like things were different. I started noticing contractions about 30 minutes apart from 6 am- about 1pm when I laid down to take a nap. I woke up an hour later with them closer to 15 minutes apart. I told Zack things were getting quicker. I busied myself getting the last minute things into bags for the boys and myself and toward the door.

About 3 I said it was time to get the kids to our friends house and head to the hospital. I had planned on going to the same hospital I had Jaxon at but when I called and told them I was headed there and had been 4cm for a few weeks the nurse freaked out a little, given my vba2c status. I was urged to go the the hospital that is closer. I hung up and told Zack what they said. I drove the kids to my friends house so I could give her my car as well with Zack following closely behind.

Once I got there my phone started ringing again. I answered knowing it was the nurse, she said that two the major highways around the hospital had been closed due to fire and the traffic on the one I would be taking would be horrible. She was very concerned that I wouldn't make it the 35 miles in that kind of traffic. It was decided I would head to the other hospital.

Zack and I left my friend Diana's house and headed to the hospital. The kids were in great hands and it was so nice to not have to worry about them while I was busy. My contractions picked up in the car on the way to the hospital. Once we got there and and got me up to the check in area the nurses seemed to think I wasn't in labor or something, this seems to be common practice I think. Assume you are crazy and can't figure out a 9 lb watermelon is trying to exit your body... One nurse says, "Let's get her to triage and see if she is in labor." I confirmed "This is labor, 4th baby, I am pretty sure I know labor. And I have been 4 cm for weeks. This baby is coming!" I was a little ticked off.

DO NOT PISS OF A LABORING MAMA! seriously. who does that?!

So I got checked in and was indeed 6cm and in labor (duh). A few minutes later, I was escorted to my room. Upon entering I was greeted my a midwife, one I had been told was great so that was a relief, who told me if I wanted an epidural I should say so now. My doula (same amazing woman as last time) wasn't even there yet, and I said as much and passed.

Shannon (my Doula) got there about 6pm and thank goodness because so did the back labor! She was amazing as she had been before. She rubbed and massaged and pressed as hard as she could on my lower back. She was great at keeping me grounded. When I forgot to breath, she would breath really loud and remind me. When I needed more pressure she pushed. I can not recommend her highly enough. I wish everyone I knew would use her. They would not regret it.

Zack was in charge of photography during this time.

Hours of laboring like this, eating ice chips (which was no issue for me! I was pretty anemic this time around and ice was my favorite treat!) and being monitored and timed. I learned that I had roughly 2 hours to get to 8 cm because of my vba2c status (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans) and they were concerned about uterine rupture and hemorrhage because I lost so much blood with Jaxon.

Around 930 or so I was getting tired, I had held it together pretty well except when I went to the bathroom and for whatever reason that position had made my body contract in such a way it scared me! The most guttural hollers were coming out of me that I couldn't control. The midwife walked back in after stepping out and upon hearing this started yelling to get me out of there, I could hear the concern in her voice. I could see something going very wrong and so could she. Once I got back to my spot on the bed things calmed down quickly, my doula resumed her position and I regained my composure. Not long later I asked for something to take the edge off. The midwife basically said Fat Chance Charlie. Something about being too far along at 9cm. She broke my water and I got to 10cm quickly.

You are ready to push! She proclaimed.

GREAT?! REALLY?! NO I AM NOT!!! Holy hell, I wanted a c section in that very moment. I wanted to rewind and pretend I had never asked for any of this! You know that feeling you get of dread when you see the mess you are in and worse yet when you CHOSE to put yourself there?!

She kept yelling at me that I could do this and that I WAS doing this. That I needed to push. Honestly, I tried so hard to not push, but since there is only one exit that late in the game I had no choice. So I pushed. Luckily for me only a few times and he was out.

The nurse said I pushed for 9 minutes but "the first set didn't could cause I was pulling him back in" Lovely. :) So 6-9 minutes depending on who you ask...

Of PURE. TORTURE.

Holy hell child birth hurts. Natural child birth sucks a lot! And if you asked me in the first few days you would have heard no way in HELL was I doing that again! But I have come to my senses and would do it again. The healing has been much nicer than a c section.

So I got my vba2c! I am very very happy about that part.

Without further ado, welcome

Torin "Bacon" James
8 lb 13 oz
22"
14.5" head
(cause that is really all that matters!)
@ 10:39 pm

compare to Jaxon's Birth.

Overwhelmed

I feel lost.

There it is.

Maybe it is coming from all the emotions from taking the test today that will tell me if or Not that this baby is okay and does not have a neural tube defect like our sweet angel baby Jonathan. I hate that test and I love that test. It is the test I took that initially told us that Jonathan would not live, that the sweet baby I felt kicking inside me would die with in minutes of birth. I was his only source of life. I love that test and it's ability to tell me in advance, sparing me such anguish when I don't bring home a healthy child as I would have expected otherwise. I loath it because it tells me such horrible things.

That day will never leave my mind. I think a part of me was naive until that day. I took that test without a care for the results. It never even crossed my mind that it could come back as something other than fine. That doesn't happen to people like you and me.

I hope in the next few days to know again, as I did with Jaxon that all is well and baby is fine.
I will report back and maybe feel a little less lost.

This too shall pass right?

Ooops

It seems with my day to day life getting in the way of this here blog I am forgetting to update the few followers I have left on the goings on that might matter a bit. :)

We found out December 24, that we are expecting again. I am hoping for a girl, obviously, and since I am 10 weeks tomorrow and still not the slightest bit sick I have a suspicion it might be! (Well, if there are any girl sperm to be had from that man anyway, he doesn't seem to be so good at that so far!) SO ya, there you have it. I am pregnant! Due date is officially Aug 31 but knowing my children s/he will be a September child, which would make her either a Virgo or a Leo depending on if you go by the "new" or old zodiac signs.

STUPID I tell you, that is what that is. Whatever, I don't pretend to be smarter than those scientists but really? Come on, it's like all of a sudden saying Pluto isn't a planet, does anyone not say Pluto when they say the planets? Whatever.

Anyway, this time around I am not nearly as stressed out. I hardly have time to be, those boys of mine are keeping me quite busy. Jax just turned one on the 16th and Gray turned 4 on the 13th. We were in California. Jax is having his party this weekend, a slight delay from last week when we were all dying of the flu. Joy. Gray will have a 1/2 birthday party again at his request.

So thanks to the "5" of you who still read. That is what is new, I would love to update more and plan on it just don't know when... cross your fingers.

9 months!!

Jaxon Ryan

~stats~
weight: 21 lb 12 oz (66%)
height: 2' 7.5" (99%)
head: 18.5" (89%)

He seems to be falling down the charts for weight, just like his brother did. My family tends to breed skinny little beans. Apparently our children will not be left out. His last stats can be seen here. And the ones before here. And here.

Loves:
milk
playing with Grayson
clapping (learned yesterday)
milk
anything edible, and even some stuff that shouldn't be
laughing
snuggling
sleeping on his tummy
milk
crawling
being "independent"
being carried in the Ergo

Dislikes:
loud noises
being sat on or tossed around by G
being cold
the stroller
being kept from a nap

9 month shoot with Elle

tomorrow we have family photos with Elle, stay tuned!

PILA Month day 19

Day 19 - a talent of yours.

I probably have a few running around. Singing? hmmm, nope that's not it. I sound so horrible I scare small children... okay not that bad. I have never made small children cry. Though I was once told "Jaimey, please don't sing" When I was singing in the car with my charges once. I think that might have been more about my hogging the song than my actual voice though. Either way.

Singing is NOT my talent.

Organization? Have you seen laundry mountain? Nuff said. It's actually HIGHer today.

Sewing! Yes, I think that is the one I want to claim. Here is this post, I just posted last night but wrote in April. ooops. Though I don't know if it's talent more than a passion and a genetic probability given my mom and grandma and many of my aunts sew.

a cloth diaper order I did recently for a friend

burpies and a boopy cover for Amelia

Discovery

Jax found something today... and it's all down hill from here!

pickle is as pickle does...

I guess it should come as no surprise that my children love pickles since Zack and I both LOVE pickles but there is something just odd about an infant with a giant pickle in his hands. :)

Jaxon loves his gstyle

My little man looks so grown up to me here. Where has the time gone?! He was about 7 months old in these photos I took. We had just gotten our gstyle outfit, which consists of a cute little g pant with bikes on it and a shirt with the word RECYCLE and a tricycle on it. I LOVE this outfit and the fabric is SO soft. I really hope gdiapers does more of these! (hint hint. :)

two years ago

Two years ago today my world changed in an immeasurable way. Two years ago today I got a heart breaking call telling me something was wrong with my baby. They didn't know what. I had a good idea based on the number from the tests they were reading. I called one of my closest friends who ran right over (she lives next door) and she just hugged me while I cried. And cried. I called Zack who came home. We cried together. And cried.

The next day we found out Jonathan had Anencephaly.

Noone prepares you for that phone call. There is no college coarse or book for someone to recommend before it happens. All you can do is look at the shattered mess of your life around your feet and attempt to pick up the pieces and go on. I don't know how we have done it but two years later I can look back and say that we have survived. I look at his pictures and think of Jonathan every day and every day my heart still breaks. I see the things Jaxon is doing and wonder what stage Jonathan would be at if he were alive and able to play with his brothers. I still feel the great loss.

Two years ago today we were a great gift that was Jonathan's life. He was so strong. He had absolutely no reason to live and yet he did. Against ALL odds, he lived almost 3 hours. He gave us the gift of love and our love for him. He brought our family closer to each other and to so many people around us. I have never felt so loved as I did when I think of the time around his pregnancy and delivery. Thank you all who were there every step of the way and to those who still stand next to us in this life. We wouldn't want to do it with out you.

Jonathan Belly Photos

Jonathan Birth and Life

(search baby Jonanthan or Jonathan for the rest of the posts. First post starts August 6, 2008)

Jaxon is 6 months!!

I just don't know where the time has gone?! How can my sweet tiny baby be 6 months old? I really don't know but he is. He is so sweet and just so much fun! He loves to play with his toys and his brother. He loves to laugh and it's truly one of the most amazing sounds I have ever heard. I just can't get enough of it.

Jaxon loves to snuggle and will spend hours curled up in my arms and currently no one else will do. He loves to eat both big people food and his "milkies" and has grown to a fabulous 20 lbs 4 oz. and 28.5" tall. His favorite foods are sweet potatoes and cereal but anything on our plates will do and he lets us know when we are not fast enough in our offerings.

He can sit up all by himself, has rolled over from both sides to the other but doesn't really do it very often now that he has mastered sitting since he is rarely laying.

Nursing and Cotton Candy

What could be sweeter?

My friend Shelly took this pic at the Tuesday (farmers and entertainment) Market. She says it's very me. I couldn't agree me! :)

Another binky bites the dust

When Grayson was born I tried desperately to get him to take a binky. Yes, you read that right. I wanted him to take a binky.

I was a thumb sucker... until I was 8... shhh don't tell anyone. My mom tried
E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G
to get me to not suck my thumb. Nothing worked. It was only at night and mostly because I was insecure, my home life at that time was very tumultuous. Not that I have an excuse... So I didn't want him to suck his thumb.

And I finally got him to take a binky. After I bought half the binky section at babies r us. He never was really attached to it per se but he took it. And then he got a cold about 5 months. He learned how to breath through his mouth that week and he also learned that he couldn't breath and suck at the same time.

Bye bye binky.

With Jaxon I tried from the beginning to get him to suck his thumb. I realized that while a binky may come and go a thumb is forever. Quite possibly literally if they are anything like I was. But I really believe in helping my children learn to self soothe. As much as I love being close to my babies being a human pacifier is not really fun when I need a bit of a break.

Or sleep.

Anyway, I digress. I tried to get Jaxon to take a binky too, one or the other would usually work. And then this week the binky would work for a few minutes (okay seconds) and then he would make this dramatic show of spitting it out. Like, LAUNCHING it out of his mouth. He is quite talented really.

And there you have it. Done-zo. No more binky.
Hopefully, the thumb will stick around a bit... otherwise I need to get sewing on his blankie... I still sleep with mine...
but that's seperate blog post confession all together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now I have a favor. All that got me thinking. I wondered about the stats of breast feeders , bottles, pacifiers and nipple confusion and all that. SO, if you wouldn't mind posting a comment with the answers to the following questions and then either send an email to your mom friends so they can answer or link it on fb with the same request. I would love to get a broad range of answers for my little survey.

1. Did you breast feed your infant?
2. if yes, how long?
3. did you bottle feed breast milk?
4. did your child have a hard time switching back and forth between breast and bottle?
5. did your infant take a pacifier?
6. did your infant suck their thumb?
7. did your child ever suffer from nipple confusion?
Any other info you want to share?

Thanks!!

Mother's Day- slightly late

This is slightly late but Mother's Day was exactly what I wanted. Mostly. Minus the sleeping in, that's a bit hard to do when you have a baby who demands to be fed and no one else can feed him.

Zack had originally planned to go to the coast but since the Oregon coast is not exactly San Diego and usually requires a coat I asked if we could stay home and enjoy the sun that was supposed to be overhead. The other thing I had asked for was a hydrangea for the back yard.

We headed to Farmington Gardens and picked up this lovely larger hydrangea, some rainier strawberry plants, thyme, basil, rosemary and parsley. Then we went home and planted them all along with the tomato plants and hood strawberry plants I had bought the day before.

I generally don't have a green thumb so we'll see. I love the idea of growing a garden and if this takes and I don't kill them then maybe next year my garden will be a bit bigger. More on the "garden" later.

For dinner we went to one of our favorite little local restaurants, Reedville cafe. It's a fun little place that is a stone's throw away and always good.

Being a mommy was always what I wanted to do. I just knew I would not be complete until I had children. They have always been part of my life, from very young I was caring for my brother and from 13 I was babysitting for every family in my neighborhood. (some of those kids have kids of their own now!!!) Now that I am a mom my life feels like it's on the path it was always meant to take.

It has it's challenges and it's ups and downs but overall I wouldn't change a thing.
Thank you Grayson, Jonathan and Jaxon for choosing me to be your mommy.
And thank you Zack for choosing me to have a family with.
I love my boys!

the hand flowers they made me.

This is one gift that will stick around a while.

Judgement

I was watching tv earlier and saw a commercial for Primetime this Friday night. It's a "What would you do?" episode and features a mother breastfeeding in a restaurant when the manager goes off on her.

I posted the times and info on Facebook so my friends would know to be able to watch it with me. We are funny like that. Everyone I *know* breastfeeds and *most* extended breast feed. It's the most natural thing there is and the fact that some people find it offensive offends me more than most things. In fact it probably ranks in the top ten of offensive things to me. People who butt their noses in and tell a nursing mother to cover up or feed elsewhere or the worst give the baby a bottle.

Almost daily I hear or read about a mother hassled. There is even a gal on facebook who started a page to go along with her documentary about breast feeding and how facebook takes photos of breastfeeding babies off the site. Stating it is offensive. Anyone who has perused FB knows that there are scantily clad (or less) woman all over, and breast feeding is really the least offensive things going on out there in internet land. Well she was proved right. Amazingly, she posted 5 photos of babies nursing and 1 photo of 5 fake boobed topless woman. Within days all of the bfing pictures were removed. What remained? You guessed it, the fake boobs.

Ironic that when one gets implants and they grow old the only thing that does remain is those perky fake boobs.

Breastfeeding is NOT obscene people.

Breasts were designed for babies nutrition. Pleasure was secondary. And as great as that is, babies need to come first. Formula will never the as beneficial to babies, no matter how hard formula companies tout that it is. It will never give babies immunity of the mother, it will never change as the baby grows always giving exactly what baby needs.

So now that I have spouted all that, the reason for this post is that whether we like it or not we all have some sort of judgments of others. It's not right or even close to okay but we all do it.
Whether its someone's parenting style, breast vs bottle, stroller vs Ergo, crib vs co-sleep. It could be as simple as how you overhear someone talk to their child. In that moment you form an opinion of how they parent all the time when really they could just be having a bad day and yell only rarely, or they could be putting on a show and beat their child behind closed doors.

The truth of the matter is that no matter what our judgments are, they are usually formed with little to no actual fact of the situation. I am the first to admit that when I walk through the mall and see a mom bottle feeding her infant I cringe. I know. It's SO rude. Does she love her child less, probably not. But I automatically think "wow, formula, sad". Who knows what has happened in their situation. She could have had her baby early and not been able to get her milk in properly. I know mine didn't come in after Jonathan at 27 weeks. And I know other woman who had babies that early, and they didn't get their milk in either, and yet they HAD babies to feed. That mother in the mall could have been on major meds that are bad for her baby or maybe she worked and pumping was not accommodated at her work place. (while it is illegal in Oregon to not accommodate breastfeeding mother, they DO NOT have to make it easy. I was VERY worried about this when I was planning on going back to T) Yet she is still doing the best that she can with what she has. And still I go there in my head.

And I am sure there are thoughts directed at me when I nurse in public. I don't cover my child, ever. Never have and never will. So could a breast possibly be seen, sure maybe. If you stood over my shoulder, usually not if you are looking at me directly. I have had people in my life ask me how long I planned to nurse, as if my 3 month old needed to be weaned. I have been told I should wean when teeth were had. Grayson got teeth at 4 months.

I keep waiting for someone in public to say something to me. I have comebacks all worked out and ready to go in my head. Like: (can't you do that somewhere else- like the bathroom?) "Um, sure, how about you take your lunch in there and I will follow." That is an oldie but a goodie. as well as (can't you cover up?) " sure when you put a blanket on your head to eat" or "did you know it's very hot and suffocating under a blanket? Here let me show you..." {people hate it when you get in there personal space. :)} or my favorite (I can see your breast, could you do that *later*/ elsewhere) Oh really? *FLASH BREASTS NOW!*

LOL. Sorry. Sometimes I can't help myself.

But alas, I have never had a chance to use these fun bits. I either have a) "I'm a bitch, do NOT approach" or b) "perfect parent, no advice needed" tattooed on my forehead. I'm leaning toward the former. :) So far in my 20 cumulative months of breastfeeding I have only had positive feedback.

Once when we were in Sunriver (OR) for the insurance agency state conference I was nursing G in the hallway outside the hall of the award ceremony and two different woman came up to me to tell me how proud they were to see me nursing and doing it with such confidence.

Well thank you I said.

It really wasn't optional.

That isn't to say I haven't had struggles, I have. I almost lost my milk completely when G was 5 months old. I tried everything, at one point taking up to 17 herb capsules a day. I finally was able to acquire a Rx for Dompiredone, a compounded Rx that aids in milk production. (It's not FDA approved though so it's hard to come by. I am lucky and have a compound pharmacy in my town, otherwise you have to get it over the internet from New Zealand) Turned out I was having supply issues due to the mini pill. Guess I am the 5%. It took another 7 months of struggles to figure it out though.

So what was my point here? Crap. Oh ya, Judgment.

Good ol' judgment. We all do it. And we all, well some of us, try not to and work on not doing it and still fall short.

And yet... breast is best and that's all there is to it! Just sayin'.

(Hey, its my blog and I'll say what I want!)

Jaxon's new Hat!

I have no idea where that little bit came from. It was posted on Facebook and I LOVED it! I am an avid bf advocate, in case you didn't know! One of my friends knits. And well, I am me and you know I like to push the envelope just a bit... so... here is Jax's new hat!

Thanks Jackie!!

Jaxon is 3 months (but I'm a little late!)

I can't believe he is already 3 (+) months! Time is flying by!!

His stats as of now:
weight Tuesday was 17lbs 6 oz naked- yes I said 17 lbs! I apparently make cream.
length last week: 27 inches- 5 inches longer than birth, which means I have 2 inches until he outgrows his car seat.
sigh.

Loves:
milk
his brother
peek a boo
milk
laughing
snuggling
his soft minky blankie against his skin while he sleeps
milk
sink baths
his swing

Dislikes:
when people yell, he is sensitive like that
being cold
being kept from a nap