Overwhelmed

I feel lost.

There it is.

Maybe it is coming from all the emotions from taking the test today that will tell me if or Not that this baby is okay and does not have a neural tube defect like our sweet angel baby Jonathan. I hate that test and I love that test. It is the test I took that initially told us that Jonathan would not live, that the sweet baby I felt kicking inside me would die with in minutes of birth. I was his only source of life. I love that test and it's ability to tell me in advance, sparing me such anguish when I don't bring home a healthy child as I would have expected otherwise. I loath it because it tells me such horrible things.

That day will never leave my mind. I think a part of me was naive until that day. I took that test without a care for the results. It never even crossed my mind that it could come back as something other than fine. That doesn't happen to people like you and me.

I hope in the next few days to know again, as I did with Jaxon that all is well and baby is fine.
I will report back and maybe feel a little less lost.

This too shall pass right?

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I am not very good at this whole blogging thing lately. Good thing I am not getting paid for it! I would be fired for sure. But this month is near and dear to my heart for two (or three) reasons. 1. It is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness month. 2. It is Jonathan's birthday on Saturday (3. It is my dear hubbies birthday next week.) I sadly didn't get the memo either and when I saw Melissa starting it I decided to play along too. Though I think I may have very boring answers. :)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Guess noone noticed there are 31 days in October? :)
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Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
The song that got me through is Broken by Lindsey Haun. I don't know why but the lyrics "when you are broken in a million little pieces and every tear falls for a reason, don't stop believing..." just helped somehow. Even now, I can listen to that song and am immediately finding out about Jonathan and going through those 10 weeks of knowing while he kicked around inside me. And his birth and the recovery. I don't know that I will ever recover, whatever that means but I do know this song will always be the soundtrack for that time of my life.



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Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Actually, I am not much of a movie watcher but the movie that I can watch time and time again and it gets me through whatever I am going through is Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. It basicly reminds me that no matter what choices you make and how many twists life takes somethings are just meant to happen and they happen for a reason.



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Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

And this is where my answers go awry. :) Pretty much any guilty mild numbing pleasure that was available I succumbed to. I have watch General Hospital off and on (mostly on) since I was 5, that I remember but probably younger! Sadly, It reminds me that there are people who have it worse, even if those ones are fake. I also love Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Life Interrupted... you name it I probably like it.

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Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

Who can read? I could not read anything but google searches for the longest time. I was given books about grief and loss and other people who went through similar things but to be honest I still have not picked them up. I read blogs. Read time. Real people. I have 2-3 books I have been reading for a while...

two years ago

Two years ago today my world changed in an immeasurable way. Two years ago today I got a heart breaking call telling me something was wrong with my baby. They didn't know what. I had a good idea based on the number from the tests they were reading. I called one of my closest friends who ran right over (she lives next door) and she just hugged me while I cried. And cried. I called Zack who came home. We cried together. And cried.

The next day we found out Jonathan had Anencephaly.

Noone prepares you for that phone call. There is no college coarse or book for someone to recommend before it happens. All you can do is look at the shattered mess of your life around your feet and attempt to pick up the pieces and go on. I don't know how we have done it but two years later I can look back and say that we have survived. I look at his pictures and think of Jonathan every day and every day my heart still breaks. I see the things Jaxon is doing and wonder what stage Jonathan would be at if he were alive and able to play with his brothers. I still feel the great loss.

Two years ago today we were a great gift that was Jonathan's life. He was so strong. He had absolutely no reason to live and yet he did. Against ALL odds, he lived almost 3 hours. He gave us the gift of love and our love for him. He brought our family closer to each other and to so many people around us. I have never felt so loved as I did when I think of the time around his pregnancy and delivery. Thank you all who were there every step of the way and to those who still stand next to us in this life. We wouldn't want to do it with out you.

Jonathan Belly Photos

Jonathan Birth and Life

(search baby Jonanthan or Jonathan for the rest of the posts. First post starts August 6, 2008)

30- blah

Two years ago if you have asked me what I thought about my impending 30th birthday I would have told you that "age is just a number" or "meah- its all good!".

But that was before. Before I found out the baby I was carrying had "something" wrong. After the US to confirm Anencephaly we were ushered into the genetic counselors office to talk about why and so she could explain some things to us. In that conversation the whole voice in my head on birthday's was changed.

She said "...given your ADVANCED maternal age..." I was 29.

I almost peed my pants. I still do when I think of those words.

*shudder*

When I was visiting my dad in April I mentioned that every day I was not pregnant felt like a waste of a day. I felt like every unpreg day was a day I should be getting pregnant because I was getting older~ every day! Every minute. Every second.

Now my birthday is Tuesday and I want to cry. I know I am pregnant and it should all just dissolve and be fine in my head but its not. Now I feel like I am that much closer to 35, which in my head is my baby cut off. I never wanted to be over 35 having children because of how much higher the percentages are of things that go wrong. But now... Now having had a baby with Anencephaly so young, I feel like I am aged somehow. I want to be done as soon as I can.

I don't want to be 30. Or 35. Or anything in between.

I refuse to have this birthday.

15 week appointment!

Today I went for my midwife checkup to check our progress and heatbeat. Heatbeat sounds good and strong. And since she spoils us so, Paula did a quick US for us to see our babies parts. Above is one of the pics we got. Yeah! See that still round head?! We do too! :)

Granted, Anencephaly is rarely detected before AFP or 20 week US but I would think we would see something changing by now if it was going to. So fingers crossed but I may relax in the near future! Again he/she was very wiggley until he/she decided to take a nap, at which point I shook him/her up to try and get more of a visual of the "parts" I would like to see second most. I am pretty sure I saw what gender it is but until I have confirmation I am not spillin the beans! :)

Our next US is 18-20 weeks for gender and sizing and just general making sure all is ok. I have the AFP next week. That is the test we got Jonathan's diagnosis from. Since I am a silly "stupid"sticious girl I will not go and take it when I can on Thursday but on Monday. I took Jonathan's on Thursday and found out on Monday. I can't explain why taking it on the same day makes me cringe but it does.

All of this falls so close to when it did with Jonathan (and Grayson for that matter) I was due with G on January 4, 07. Jonathan on January 10, 09 and this baby is due January 14, 10. So everything that happens fall in the same time frame. We found out about Jonathan the first week of August.

Hopefully everything is fine and great and we will have a healthy baby boy/girl in aprx 176 days!

Thanks for all your continued support.

Jonathan's Due date

Today was my due date with Jonathan Mitchell Buquet. I have no words to describe the sadness in my heart when I think of the loss so immeasurable. I never thought it would be me.

My baby died and he is gone and my heart is still broken.

I love you little boy, for the rest of my life and for all that I do it will be in your memory and for your brother (and hopefully more someday) still living. I know that you are prefect and though your time with us was short, we are forever changed by your love and beauty.

Thank you for letting me be your mommy.

38 weeks pregnant

I just realized its Saturday. Saturday is the day that I would switch to the next week of pregnancy. I would have been 38 weeks pregnant today with my sweet baby Jonathan. I would be waddling around all huge and round, having a hard time standing up from the couch and a hard time getting back down once I had finally gotten up. I would be so tired and yet still unable to sleep because no matter how hard you try there is no comfortable position when you have an a$$ the size of Texas and a small whale in your belly. Oh and that is not to mention how often you get up to pee. By the time you lie back down you realize you have to pee again (hey Erin you there yet?! :o)

I would be pulling up my shirt to show Grayson his baby brother and so he could kiss and talk to his baby. All of which he still does sometimes by the way. Today as a matter of fact. Today he pulled up my shirt and asked about the baby. When I told him our baby was an angel and gone he said oh. And pulled up his own shirt to ask about that baby, I told him neither of us has a baby in their belly right now (I will save the no babies in his belly talk for later. :) he said oh again and went back to his train table.

Anyway, I would be 38 weeks pregnant today. I still feel pregnant sometimes. When I first heard the term phantom kicks I thought people were crazy until I felt them. Every once in a while I will feel like my ribs or stomach is being "pushed" out of the way by someone so small and yet so demanding of space. It seems like an eternity since I felt them for real and I can't wait to feel a baby in there again and yet... I don't if I ever will really be ready to be pregnant again.

Eventually, Someday, I hope to announce that we are expecting a perfectly healthy baby, until then I will look at my little boy and smile because he is perfect just as he is. I love you sweet baby Jonathan!

Today

Hi friends, I am back. Thank you so much for of your extended support and love. We have felt your hands on our shoulders guiding us. I just wanted to post a few pictures of Jonathan because I know everyone is awaiting his photos so much. I don't know that I will post many more just because I kind of want to be selfish with him and keep him all to myself. I may change my mind and surprise us all.

Anyway, here is our beautiful angel baby Jonathan Mitchell. He weighed 1 lb 3 oz and was 12 long. He was perfect in every way. He had Zack's feet, which was amazing to us that those features are defined so early in utero. Without further ado, Jonathan Mitchell:


I will post a longer more informative post tomorrow. For now- Goodnight.

Grumpy

GRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrumpy. That is what I am this afternoon. I get that it is probably par for the course but I am just angry today. I am so tired of pretending I am not pregnant in public so people won't ask me or congratulate me. I want to be excited about my baby, I want to be happy that I am pregnant. And granted I do cherish every second we have him but sometimes its just too much to think about.

I just spent two hours at the park with some friends and some acquaintances. The friends know what is going on. The rest don't. So there I sit in a tight top and warm up pants cause when I left I didn't feel like changing into something else that covered better. Lately I go out in public with a big puffy vest on so that you can't see what is under it for sure. So there I sit, slumped over so it just looks like I am fat. I don't want to tell them I am pregnant. I don't want to tell them he will die. I don't want more well wishes. I just want my baby!

The worst I think is the things people say when they don't know what to say but feel compelled to say something anyway. For the record- Say you are sorry and leave it at that. Anything more and you are going to put your foot in your mouth. People mean well they really do so I don't hold a grudge and I have no hard feelings if you are reading this and you are one of the people who said these things, but for the love of Pete! PLEASE don't tell me that God works miracles and just to hope. Um ya, thanks my baby is a miracle but no he is not going to miraculously grow a brain at 6 months gestation and be fine. That is just not going to happen. Yes I am sure he of his diagnosis. I would not take it lying down. And yes, I would get a second opinion if I was unsure. We are not. We have seen 3D ultrasounds, he has no brain. Simple as that and its obvious. Unfortunately, anencephalic babies usually don't form a skull either and sadly he didn't.

I don't mean to be harsh, ungrateful or anything else. I am just angry and grumpy. Off to eat worms.

Baby oh baby.

You know you never think its going to be you. Its never going to be me who has that horrible car accident. Its never going to be me who gets divorced. Its never going to be me who loses a child.

In January my younger cousin Jake and his girlfriend Amanda lost their son to SIDS. He was 8 weeks old. I remember hugging them and telling them I would be there if they needed anything. Knowing they would never call on me because what could I offer? I have never been there, don't know how they feel. And really I prayed I never would. Now I am. So much for it will never be me.

I now know how they feel. You can't decide if you should scream, cry, laugh hysterically (because this HAS TO BE A BAD JOKE!) or run in front of a bus. I never thought it would be me. I am losing a child. I was planning a birth a week ago and now I am planning a memorial service. You can never plan for it, never know how you will react.

My son, Jonathan, will come and go with little more than a breath and yet he has touched so many lives. I will forever be grateful for whatever time I have with him, however long he is in my arms.

I think the things I struggle with the most right now are all the unknowns. As a control freak I have a hard time with not knowing and not being able to "take care of it". Will he know for sure we love him? Does he feel any pain? What are the right choices for him? Why?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?! There are no answers. There may never be.