Ooops

It seems with my day to day life getting in the way of this here blog I am forgetting to update the few followers I have left on the goings on that might matter a bit. :)

We found out December 24, that we are expecting again. I am hoping for a girl, obviously, and since I am 10 weeks tomorrow and still not the slightest bit sick I have a suspicion it might be! (Well, if there are any girl sperm to be had from that man anyway, he doesn't seem to be so good at that so far!) SO ya, there you have it. I am pregnant! Due date is officially Aug 31 but knowing my children s/he will be a September child, which would make her either a Virgo or a Leo depending on if you go by the "new" or old zodiac signs.

STUPID I tell you, that is what that is. Whatever, I don't pretend to be smarter than those scientists but really? Come on, it's like all of a sudden saying Pluto isn't a planet, does anyone not say Pluto when they say the planets? Whatever.

Anyway, this time around I am not nearly as stressed out. I hardly have time to be, those boys of mine are keeping me quite busy. Jax just turned one on the 16th and Gray turned 4 on the 13th. We were in California. Jax is having his party this weekend, a slight delay from last week when we were all dying of the flu. Joy. Gray will have a 1/2 birthday party again at his request.

So thanks to the "5" of you who still read. That is what is new, I would love to update more and plan on it just don't know when... cross your fingers.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I am not very good at this whole blogging thing lately. Good thing I am not getting paid for it! I would be fired for sure. But this month is near and dear to my heart for two (or three) reasons. 1. It is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness month. 2. It is Jonathan's birthday on Saturday (3. It is my dear hubbies birthday next week.) I sadly didn't get the memo either and when I saw Melissa starting it I decided to play along too. Though I think I may have very boring answers. :)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Guess noone noticed there are 31 days in October? :)
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Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
The song that got me through is Broken by Lindsey Haun. I don't know why but the lyrics "when you are broken in a million little pieces and every tear falls for a reason, don't stop believing..." just helped somehow. Even now, I can listen to that song and am immediately finding out about Jonathan and going through those 10 weeks of knowing while he kicked around inside me. And his birth and the recovery. I don't know that I will ever recover, whatever that means but I do know this song will always be the soundtrack for that time of my life.



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Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Actually, I am not much of a movie watcher but the movie that I can watch time and time again and it gets me through whatever I am going through is Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. It basicly reminds me that no matter what choices you make and how many twists life takes somethings are just meant to happen and they happen for a reason.



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Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

And this is where my answers go awry. :) Pretty much any guilty mild numbing pleasure that was available I succumbed to. I have watch General Hospital off and on (mostly on) since I was 5, that I remember but probably younger! Sadly, It reminds me that there are people who have it worse, even if those ones are fake. I also love Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Life Interrupted... you name it I probably like it.

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Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

Who can read? I could not read anything but google searches for the longest time. I was given books about grief and loss and other people who went through similar things but to be honest I still have not picked them up. I read blogs. Read time. Real people. I have 2-3 books I have been reading for a while...

Reiki Doula

I had been looking for a Doula for quite a while. I posted here, Facebook, and The Unnecessarian.com.
Nada.
No leads that actually got anywhere.

I had looked on Craigslist. A ton.
Then one day, near the end of my pregnancy I saw an ad that caught my attention.
It was for Reiki Massage Doula service.


Reiki is basically healing with energy. I have always found alternative medicine fascinating, so I met with Shannon. She told me a bit about Reiki, about Massage and her life and family. Our second meeting was at our house. She came to do a massage before we decided to proceed as her as our Doula.

She was at our house over two hours doing a massage and some Reiki at the end. It was AMAZING.

I can't praise Shannon and her skills enough! She was amazing and supportive and fantastic.
She let me lead what I needed and offered suggestions when I ran out. She tirelessly massaged and touched me for hours and hours- close to 20. She rested a bit when I did, but if I needed her she was there. Completely.


If you are in the Portland area and need a masseur, birth doula or Reiki please contact Shannon.
You can contact her from here:
http://www.myspace.com/chakrababies

40 weeks!!

(lets try that photo again- shall we!)
Still no baby! No major contractions. :(

And I even just reinstalled 2 carseats and a booster seat and vacuumed my van out! You'd think it would have done something. Eventually, he HAS to leave right?!

(as I fix the sideways and way too big photo- from my blogwriter on my phone- I am having some contractions and am feeling more pokies. We shall see. Tonight would be inconvenient so of coarse he will come! 5:01pm :)

5 days to go! {39 weeks/ 2 days} TMI WARNING!

Last night was quite an adventure. For a while I thought for sure we were going to have a baby today. I decided to try *one of the things we had already tried before* (saving the gory details- my DAD reads after all!) and not long after I was having some good contractions. Every 3-4 minutes for about 30-40 seconds to be exact.

At about 30 minutes of this I texted my friend/ neighbor Jamie, who has home birthed 2 or 3 of her 5 kiddos at home in a birth tub. I just wanted to know at what point are they considered real contractions. The obvious answer is they are real when a child is produced but since I have never gone into labor on my own I have no idea what real (no induction drugs to thank) contractions feel like or how they act.

Jamie came over to massage my (k)ankles and see if we could get them to keep going and be real labor. This is the second of these acupressure massages she has given me. And Zack also did some pressure point pressing the other night so by now my (k)ankles have a bruise or two.
By 1am they were dissipating a bit (started about 11) but not enough for me to sleep. I ended up falling asleep about 230, though between 1-230 I had fewer but very strong contractions.

I woke up to nothing.

NOTHING.

Rude.

I did lose my mucus plug or part of it today though so maybe sooner than later!

Aren't you glad this post didn't include pictures.

6 days to go! {39 weeks/ 1 day}

Today I worked hopefully my last day for a month (no offense S and L!) for my nanny job.

I feel so huge and round!

Just an update about things I have tried to naturally induce.
Raspberry lead tea: cups and cups of tea, no baby
walking: still no baby
sex: not so much
black licorice: eating good and plenty like crazy and other forms and nothing

after I am past my due date... if... I will try the Black cohash.
Never the caster oil. ew.

:)

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Here are the diaper wraps I have been frantically making.

You lay the soaker in the middle.

Fold the flaps over.
This is where baby goes.

Then you fold the flaps over.
These are to use with the covers I have been making.

Pardon the marker marks that didn't get cut off. This was my first one. And my first jump back into serging.

7 days left {39 weeks!} Thankful Thursday!

Today I am 39 weeks!! I can't believe this little boy could come anytime.

I feel pretty good about the progress have been making on the cloth diapers I started LAST week! I have been a bit of a procrastinator in this pregnancy, partially because I usually hate sewing when I'm pregnant and partially because I'm a lazy slug!

Last week I made 3 all in ones ( AIO's) and 6 covers. (This is an AIO but the covers look the same just no absorbent stuffing)
Tonight I finished making 35 cloth wipes made out of flannel and sherpa. I am in love! They are so soft and snugglie. Sadly, they have been sitting around for over a year! I had been scared (to death really) of my serger and since I have been doing these diapers I have gotten over that fear.
And I haven't even lost a finger yet! :P

I also finished 7 of the 12 inserts I cut out for Hotdog. Tomorrow I will post those and describe how they work.

Also since today is Thankful Thursday...
Today I am Thankful for:

1. being 39 weeks pregnant. Yay. Almost done!

2. Having fun friends to sew with. Jenny came over tonight to sew with me. It was her house last Fri night. She is about to explode too- due two days after me.
3. Being healthy. I have not gotten any of the crud floating around and neither have the boys.
4. That my little boy will be 3 years old on Wednesday.
5. That Hotdog's diaper drawer(s) is filling up and I don't have to throw away money every week with disposables.

8 days to go! {38 weeks/ 6 days}

A few months into this pregnancy I decided to use disposable diapers because I was too sick/ tired/ lazy to wash and fold cloth. Then G potty trained except at night. Yay! All was well.

Until the leaks started.

I started using a sposie AND a gdiaper flushie inside it as added protection.
All was well. Until a few days ago when all of sudden he started leaking again.

So tonight I am back to cloth, I figure soon I will be washing newborn diapers anyway. In the photo above my poor, poor Sumo son has on a Happy Heinies pocket diaper and 3!! inserts (2 hemp and one micro) and a plastic cover for good measure!

Sweet little guy is a good sport, he ran around Sumo style for a while then asked to take it off. Of coarse I said not so much. Fingers crossed for dry sheets!

(totally forgot to post this last night! :)

Oh and he did wake up dry!

9 days to go! {38 weeks/ 5 days}

9 days to go!! I had my midwife apt today and baby is still measuring well. "Right on schedule". I did not have her check for dilation. Next week if no baby has appeared yet then I will.

I have been SO tired today. I was hopeful that the contractions I was having this afternoon would be doing some good and combined with being so tired, maybe it was a sign. Nope.

Just tired.

I went to bed at 12:30 last night, woke up at 8:30 or so. Went to the dr and fabric store, then a friends who just had her baby on Sat for a visit... tried to get Kaitlyn (the baby) the urge her friend along- he just kicked her. I came home and took my car to the dealer for a quick check before my warranty expires (TOMORROW!) Nothing like putting it off until the last minute!

I knew I was sleepy but didn't feel like I'd had a super busy day or anything. I was sitting/laying on the couch playing with Grayson.

That's the last thing I remember. It was about 4... I woke up about 7. Ooops!
Woke up and contractions were gone. grrr.

10 days to go! {38 weeks/ 4 days}

Well, until my estimated due date I guess. I can't believe I have less than 2 weeks and hotdog could be here! I have no illusions about how long he could stay in there though! Grayson was 9 days late... 4 days of that being induction! He just had no interest in leaving his water bed. I have confirmed with my midwife that unless there is proof of distress I will not be inducing this baby before 43 weeks.

My mother says I was late. Very late. Like a month late. My dad says I came when I was supposed to come... not sure where that story meets in the middle. LOL
But either way, with my history with Grayson I am not pushing my luck. Maybe I am just one of those people whose babies stay in past their EDD.

I guess we'll see.

Pregnancy Stats:
weight gain~ 8 lbs
new stretch marks~ 2 confirmed a few other possibles, sadly. What is it with my children leaving their mark on ONLY the left side of my bady!?
varicose veins~ 0
sciatic nerve~ not as bad as it had been but still alive and kicking
hip displacement~oddly enough feeling a much better

And this is why I call him STARFISH!

This is before my child decided to stretch out.

This is after. See the bulge? That is an almost straight legged baby stretching. Its the oddest feeling!

Can someone please remind my child that he is not in the roomy presidential suite?

Apparently

He likes my belly button!

Thankful Thursday! 34 weeks.

Now that is a big belly!

Today I am Thankful for
1. being 34 weeks pregnant... and hopefully only having 6 weeks or less to go. It feels like I have been pregnant for-EVER!
Probably because of how it went with Jonathan. At the end of the day we had empty arms. This almost feels like a continuation of that. I am glad we can see the end in sight.

2. for the kindness of strangers. You know who you are. Thank you.

3. The holiday season. I love it. Even working retail. Even being pregnant working retail. :)

4. My friend Corie for lending me her ornaments for my big tree this year (and the last 2) Our tree would be very naked (actually we just wouldn't have one) if it were not for her and her generosity.

5. Our tree source who sells us an 18' tree (or whatever we end up picking- this weekend post to come) for $20. It truly is a blessing.

Pregnancy Stats:
weight gain~ 6 lbs
new stretch marks~ 0
vericose veins~ 0
sciatic nerve~ Alive and well and rearing its ugly head mostly on the left now that he is head down.
hip displacement~a little calmer since I have been seeing a massage therapist.


Now if someone would tell my child that he is in a small cramped short stay motel room rather than the roomy presidential suite that would be great. :P

Thankful Thursday! 29 weeks

Today I am Thankful for:
1. Being 29 weeks pregnant. Today. Hotdog will be here before I know it.

To date my stats are:
weight gain~ 6 lbs (he is growing just fine I am assured)
new stretch marks~ 0
vericose veins~ 0 still yeah!
sciatic nerve~ Alive and well and rearing its ugly head on the Right as well as Left now.
hip displacement~ active on the left. :(

2. That we get to keep the house! I feel we are very blessed in this fact. I know there are many, many people who have lost theirs in this economic mess.

3. That my husband works so hard to make our life great, even when everything is up in the air.

4. Email and Iphone. I know this is silly. But when I found out about Jonathan I lost my ability to use the phone except when necessary. Text, email and facebook are so much easier for me now. And in the beginning I was not too sure if I liked my Iphone and now... well lets just say the AA people might want to consider a IPhone Addict Annomous group.

5. Tiny little clothes. I have been going through the leftovers from when Grayson was born and small. I have the room in the furniture configuration I want it in, and all the clothes washed and folded or hung up. The cloth diapers are washed and sized to smalls and in the changing table. Basically we are ready. I still have the bulk of the nursery decor to do but its "designed" and planned just needs to be exicuted. I will take before and afters but no pics until its ready.

A little scare

Today started out fairly normal for a Sunday. I got to sleep in till almost 10! Lovely. I woke up and went to the bathroom. I had slept for 10 hours so I noticed when I wasn't in there peeing for 5 minutes like that scene from Dumb and Dumber, where it just keeps coming and coming. I shrugged and kept on moving. Went down stairs to join the boys and ate some breakfast. A few hours later Grayson was cuddling with me on the couch and kissing my tummy. A tummy that usually responds to his brothers affections, that wasn't. I shook up my tummy and drank some apple juice. Nothing. I walked around. I laid on my tummy. Nothing. Then I got worried. When had I last felt him move?! Yesterday? Last night? Then I panicked! I had two fairly large contractions last night, what if something was really wrong?! I had not been drinking enough water, I knew that, maybe I had dried him up... fears of a first timer I know.

I called my friend Di to see if she would take Grayson so we could go to the hospital and check babies heartbeat. No answer! Of coarse I knew she was at church but that didn't stop me from trying again. And again. And again. And text. And again. I know I am a total stalker. I also called the labor and delivery unit at the hospital and asked if I could come in for a heart rate check and they said they would see me when we got there.

I would have just dropped G at another friends house, but 2 Friday's ago her son exposed G to hand, foot and mouth. Its a common childhood illness but highly contagious. Mostly just annoying but no one wants their kiddo sick. They have been our only source of company for a week.

We loaded us all in the van and headed in the general direction of Di's church while I kept calling her. We got there and I went in. I looked through the doors of the chapel and found them in the exact chairs I had sat in when I went with her last fall. Thank goodness they are such creatures of habit. I went in as quietly as I could and slid in next to her. I asked her if I could talk to her outside.

We walked out in the lobby, I know she immediately knew something was wrong... I was in a church for the love of Pete! I broke down as soon as she asked what was up. I told her and asked if she would watch G while we went. Of coarse she said yes. He happily went with her to play on the playground while the service finished up and they could head to her house.

We made it to the hospital and admitted me. (even got one of those cool bracelets) They took me to Triage and immediately hooked me up to the heart rate monitor. Phew! Fantastic baby heart rate! We were so happy. She asked me if I would like something to drink so I asked for OJ to see if he would wake up. Minutes after my first sip he was moving and kicking. Booger. I drank my juice and lay there for 30 minutes to make sure his HR was normal and consistent. It was. The nurse said my lack was water the last few days contributed to the lack of urine this a.m.- go figure.

We were so happy! I can not imagine losing another child, especially the same week we lost the last one. I know there are no guarantees in life and I am glad we were spared this time. Afterward we went to Baja Fresh for a lovely lunch and then picked up G.

It has been a long day. I am mentally exhausted. I am thankful that both of my boys are ok and healthy. Now to get through this pregnancy in one (mental) piece.

Work

My feet hurt
My back hurts
My sciatic nerve is making my butt hurt
and my knee go out
My back aches
My head hurts

And I am tired

WORK. :(

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Does anyone local know a low cost but AMAZING labor doula they can connect me with? I finally finished Your Best Birth and am more determined than ever to have this baby on my own terms. I just need someone to help support that. Zack is great at many things, but helping me labor is not his strong suit, well massage isn't, which is what I tend to need the most of when I am laboring. If you know anyone, please email me at jsbuquet@gmail.com

Off to bed.

24 weeks pregnant

To date my stats are:
weight gain~ 3 lbs
new stretch marks~ 0 (unless they are hiding where I can't see them!)
vericose veins~ 0 still yeah!
sciatic nerve~ Alive and well
hip displacement~ active on the left. :(

Why is it possible to have gained only 3 lbs, and yet feel so horribly HUGE and round!
is 24 weeks 5.5 months or 6 months pregnant?! If you count by conception its 5.5... I am so confused! What do you think?

Dreams

I rarely dream, or at least I rarely remember them. But this morning at 4 am I woke with a start. I had a horrible dream. And as they always do when I am pregnant they involve my children.

Grayson and I were down the road at our neighborhood farm picking berries when he noticed a semi truck. It was mostly empty and noone was around to ask if we could go in, so we did. (not my normal course of action in this case but what is in a dream?) As soon as we were in the back of the trailer, the doors slammed shut and locked. I started screaming and banging on the walls. I could hear someone out side talking, saying California...CALIFORNIA?! Is that where this truck was headed?! Grayson was crying by this point and I wanted to. It was VERY dark. I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face much less him. I continued to bang on the walls as the engine started and we started to move. I freaked out. I found G and scooped him up. And we both sat. Just in time too otherwise we would have been knocked flat as we picked up speed.

Suddenly I realized if we were going to get out of this alive, I was going to have to stop panicing and figure something out. I then realized I had my phone in my BRA-cket. I always take it picking in case I need to take a picture. Yay! So I pulled it out, and while trying to feel our turns I called 9-1-1. I told the dispatcher where I thought we were headed, and on what road. I told her the color of the truck and any other describing features I could remember and oh by the way I have my two year old with me and I am 6 months pregnant! I stayed on the line while I pulled up my gps on my iphone and told her about where we were. (I was thankful for iphone in that instance!)

Not long later I heard sirens and they were right behind us. But the truck wasn't stopping. Finally we came to a screeching halt. I set down G and started banging and screaming for help again. I could hear the driver being hauled out and cuffed, then the officers trying to open the door. It was locked and padlocked. The driver really had not intended to let us out until he saw fit. They told me to stand way back and it was bashed in and then pealed off by some sort of jars of life machine.

The light was blinding after being in pitch black for so long. I jumped down and ran into my husbands arms (9-1-1 had called I guess :).

Seems like a great ending right? Except that wasn't the FIRST ending...

Oh no. The first ending was where I woke up with a start, cause I had to pee in the dream (and in real life- gotta love how it builds in to the dream!) and we were actually racing half way through Oregon on I5 before I got my phone to work and remembered we had gps. We had been in that truck for hours and I had a semi dead phone battery. Of coarse! Its like the girl going up the stairs instead of out the front door in a horror movie.

I got up to go to the bathroom, thinking it would end there. Oh No! I got back in bed, shut my eyes and wouldn't you know it started right in the middle, giving me an alternative ending, just in case I wasn't done. So I snapped back awake and tossed and turned for a while, thinking about all the other things I could be doing...blogging came to mind.

20 minutes later I tried sleep again, only to end up with a shorter but worse version. The truck rolled and we were ejected. It wasn't pretty, in either of the two versions of that. :(

Finally I fell asleep and dreamed the last version of jumping into Zack's arms and everyone being ok. Then sleep was easy. And Grayson even slept in a little bit. But I was never more happy to see his smiling little face when he came in to say, FEED ME!

20 weeks- Half way!!

I can't believe how fast these 20 have flown by. With Grayson it was so slow because he was the first. With Jonathan it was a slow crawl to the inevitable for obvious reasons. But this time with G to chase and working (a lot) I barely have had time to realize I am pregnant. There might be something there relating that to my lack of bonding... anyway, I am glad that I am feeling good and not vomiting anymore.

To date my stats are:
weight gain~ 1 lb (at my mw appointment on Tues I was exactly the same weight to the oz as last time!)
new stretch marks~ 0 yeah!
vericose veins~ 0 yeah!

Hopefully the last 20 will be as quick as the first and maybe it could even be 18 or 19 more, hint hint baby!

To that effect, after discussing it with my hubby I was telling my midwife on Tues that my plan is to labor as much as possible at home in hopes of avoiding as much medical intervention as possible and having a lovely unmedicated Vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean). If that means I have him at home, so be it...my neighbor/friend has had 5 babies the last one at home the two before at a water birth center. She can help.

My mw made sure I understand that I "should not try too hard at home or push it too far because my risk of uterine rupture is higher" (less than 1% of Vbac laboring patients according to vbac.com) as is her job. Having had a vbac with Jonathan I feel confident I can do it. With both Grayson and Jonathan I had medicated births, most because of the length. With Grayson I was in labor for 77 hours, having an epidural at about the 50 hour mark or so. Jonathan's labor was a little different in that the contractions were much harder and sustained, G's were very sporadic giving me time to rest (gotta hate pitocin) so for a 42 hour labor I had the epidural after about 24 hours, when I became exhausted... though both are a blur but that is the best of my memory.

Hopefully, in a perfect world, this baby will decide to come on his own. I will labor until I feel the need to go in (not the need to push! Thats too late, I know!) and we will have an uneventful labor and delivery without very much medical intervention.

For something that woman have been doing forever it sure has become a process to have a baby and I for one hate it.

Stay tuned for how it all goes.

Guess what?!

What does one get when Gymboree has thier circle of friends sale and someone buys this really cute outfit for a possible baby girl she could be carrying?



She gets a boy!


I went to my midwife apt today and she asked one of the nurses to do a quick Ultra sound and see if we could tell the gender. Immediately we all saw boy parts with his little open legs so that's that. Guess there will be a next time... :)