PILA Month day 22

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.

www.nowIlaymedowntosleep.org

is a wonderful website devoted to people who have lost their infant or any number of tragedies. There is information on just about everything and a forum for grieving parents to talk to other grieving parents and try to make sense of it all. I met many wonderful people in there who were very helpful and kind and loving while we were on our journey with Jonathan. I don't really frequent it anymore but I highly recommend it to anyone who is faced with the death of an infant or child and is looking for a place to reach out to. If they don't have the answer they can at least point you in a direction.

PILA Month day 20

Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.

oops maybe I should finish this here blog post instead of just having it scheduled with nothing in it...

I used to scrapbook. I love it. LoveD is more correct I guess. I started doing quicker versions of what I do when I was in high school and went on a cross country trip with my grandma. I had all these photos and the big idea to do a huge album with them and all the momentos I picked up along with way.

I never finished it.

Others did get finished however. An album for my charges I used to care for, various years of Zack's and my life together. Our wedding album.

I was doing pretty good at keeping up with the scrapbook of our daily lives until Grayson came along. I got a little sidetracked with his album that I wanted to be his first two years of life. I got about 9 months in and got a little sidetracked again. Our family album has not been touched since I was pregnant with G.

I went to craft night with some friends last night and realized as I worked on Grayson's album that I may be avoiding my albums. If I finish G's album I have Jaxon's and well at some point I have Jonathan's. That one is painful to remember. It is hard enough to look back at my blog and read what I was going through but to put it on paper (which takes WAY longer) and make it a hard copy, well, I just don't think I am ready.

Losing a child changes who you are. It changes your thinking and it changes you in ways you may never know until they pop up sometime later. Like this. Who knew it would affect my scrapbooking? But it has.

PILA Month day 10

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

As this photo says this was taken in 1997. The year I graduated high school. This is two of my dearest friends. Both I have been friends with since kindergarten. 26 years. WOW.

Belle, the middle one, used to visit her dad on San Diego. He lived right on the bay so when she was in town we would have sleep overs and get together for a weekend. Typical girls weekend in the teen years. Lots of pillow fights and ripping our clothes off stupid movies, junk food and shopping. And the beach. I love the beach. The salty air, the seagulls- well I guess I could live without those, the people watching. Especially in a place like Mission Beach. It is a hot spot for people watching. "Ken" is a good example of this. He would roller skate by almost every weekend as we sat on the deck watching the bay.

Bonnie, on the right, moved to Washington when we were 14 and is one of the prime reasons we moved here. Her family helped raise me. We grew up on the same street and I was at her house many nights and weekend through most of my childhood.

This photo makes me happy. I was so excited for the rest of my life. I had friends I could trust (still do). And looking at this photo you would think everything could be perfect. But it wasn't. I know looking at this photo that I was in a very tumultuous relationship that often bordered on abusive. I had no real idea how I was going to leave. I obviously figured that part out, and how to avoid those types of people. I think I learned from all that people watching on the beach.

Looking at this photo makes me happy for my life now. I wouldn't trade this for all the youthful ignorance for anything in the world. I might pay a little to have that body back though...

Happy Birthday Jonathan!

Two year ago today I gave birth to my sweet baby, destined to be an angel. Taken from our arms far too soon. We miss you every day sweet boy and wonder how your life would have been. I hope you are happy and safe and watching over us with love. Hugs and kisses from Mommy and Daddy and your brothers.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I am not very good at this whole blogging thing lately. Good thing I am not getting paid for it! I would be fired for sure. But this month is near and dear to my heart for two (or three) reasons. 1. It is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness month. 2. It is Jonathan's birthday on Saturday (3. It is my dear hubbies birthday next week.) I sadly didn't get the memo either and when I saw Melissa starting it I decided to play along too. Though I think I may have very boring answers. :)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Guess noone noticed there are 31 days in October? :)
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Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
The song that got me through is Broken by Lindsey Haun. I don't know why but the lyrics "when you are broken in a million little pieces and every tear falls for a reason, don't stop believing..." just helped somehow. Even now, I can listen to that song and am immediately finding out about Jonathan and going through those 10 weeks of knowing while he kicked around inside me. And his birth and the recovery. I don't know that I will ever recover, whatever that means but I do know this song will always be the soundtrack for that time of my life.



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Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Actually, I am not much of a movie watcher but the movie that I can watch time and time again and it gets me through whatever I am going through is Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. It basicly reminds me that no matter what choices you make and how many twists life takes somethings are just meant to happen and they happen for a reason.



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Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

And this is where my answers go awry. :) Pretty much any guilty mild numbing pleasure that was available I succumbed to. I have watch General Hospital off and on (mostly on) since I was 5, that I remember but probably younger! Sadly, It reminds me that there are people who have it worse, even if those ones are fake. I also love Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Life Interrupted... you name it I probably like it.

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Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

Who can read? I could not read anything but google searches for the longest time. I was given books about grief and loss and other people who went through similar things but to be honest I still have not picked them up. I read blogs. Read time. Real people. I have 2-3 books I have been reading for a while...

Help for a friend

I posted the other night that my dear friend lost 2 of her 5 children in a house fire. I have connected with her over email and she has expressed that while their immediate needs are met (they won't starve or freeze) there is the costs and the fact that the family is spread out over a few states as they prepare the home they are in for the rest of the family to join them.

A fellow blogger, Clay, has started a fund for this family and I also have posted her Paypal donation button below if you would like to send a pp donation directly. If you would prefer a gift card or something you can send it to me or Clay and we can forward it on. Please email me at jsbuquet@gmail.com for more info on how you can help this wonderful family. (also, for what it is worth I do know this Mama in real life and she is amazing)

button is in the works- it's being a PIMA.... in the meantime, here is Dana's blog who has a working button! LOL

July 19th

Today started out as a normal day. I woke up early to nurse Jax, we both fell back asleep in the rocker. G woke up a bit later and we made our way downstairs. Coffee and juice and vitamins were to be had and morning cartoons helped remove the fog of night. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Jax went down for his a.m nap, G and I showered, I checked email. I toyed around on Facebook. Morning was fine. And then afternoon struck. I opened my email again about 1230 to find an email from a friend to a group of us asking if any of "us" had seen another friends blog. It had a link.

Part of me wishes I had never opened that email, never read those words, never followed the link. I did though. I read in horror that my dear friend Sarah has suffered the worst tragedy a mother or father can endure. She lost 2 of her 5 children in a house fire on the 19th. I know little as far as details but I do know the ones that were lost were "M" age 9 and "R" age 3.5. The same age as Grayson.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like the dream I had when I was pregnant with Jonathan that I lost G to drowning. Thankfully mine was just a dream. Unfortunately for my friend this is a nightmare. One she will never wake from. One that is permanent. I know the loss. I know the horror and yet it's not at all the same. I had only months to get to feel my baby and minutes to know him before he collected his wings. She had YEARS and YEARS.

I feel like my world has been turned upside down today. I know these people. These sweet little innocent souls. This amazing huge hearted loving Mama who lost these babies. Things like this just don't happen to people you know. You know?! It's always in the paper or on the news, not in real life. And I guess I should know better since I was that person someone knew not that long ago.

But I can't help but feel lost. Shaken. Unstable and so so depressed. And if I am there I can only imagine where she is.

Please say a little prayer (or send a vibe or do a dance to the god of children- whatever it is that gets ya going) for my friend and her family. They can use all they can get.

Happy Birthday Jonathan!

Today my angel baby would be a year old. In a way its a sad day, it reminds me of every thing he will never do or be, all the things we miss out on with him. But on the other hand, the hand I tend to use more, it is a day that we got to learn lessons about life and love we may never have learned any other way. He is the angel who guides our family through life. I know he is with us in every way.

As I look at the photos of him. His tiny toes and his tiny perfect body I realize the love for a child never fades. I love him more every day since I first found out I was pregnant with him.

A moment in our hands
Forever in our hearts
Always in our thoughts
Never far apart

A life that was so short lived
And question still remain
We will always think of you
And always know your name

A love so strong as ours
Can never go away
So although we're far apart
In our hearts you'll stay

A moment in our hands
Forever in our hearts
We will always love you, Son
Even though we're far apart

A love so strong as ours
Can never go away
We will love you till the end
We will love you everyday

~written by Daddy

We love you sweet baby. You always have a large piece of Mommy and Daddy's heart. You are our Angel and we love you forever and always.

Happy Easter Jonathan!

Happy Easter and all Mommy and Daddy's love to our little boy. We love you!

Jonathan's Due date

Today was my due date with Jonathan Mitchell Buquet. I have no words to describe the sadness in my heart when I think of the loss so immeasurable. I never thought it would be me.

My baby died and he is gone and my heart is still broken.

I love you little boy, for the rest of my life and for all that I do it will be in your memory and for your brother (and hopefully more someday) still living. I know that you are prefect and though your time with us was short, we are forever changed by your love and beauty.

Thank you for letting me be your mommy.

To write their Names in the Sand

You never know when life will throw you a curve. This year has been full of trials for my family. We know that eventually things will straighten out and get us back on the path we were once on.

Many people are connected through the losses of their children. Whether in pregnancy or shortly after birth or later. The loss is great and infinitely devastating and heart breaking. There is no way to know the pain you will feel, how many times your heart will break when you relive the moments your life changed forever. Everyday I grow a little more from this experience and know that everything happens for a reason and while Jonathan may not have lived to change the world, he changes the world a little bit every day from his place in all of our little hearts.

I was contacted by a lovely Angel today, Jen, who brought me this blog spot. It is dedicated to writing passed on children's names in the sand on the beaches of Australia.

They are amazing. Their photographs are gorgeous and I hope to get my sweet Jonathan's name written when they start taking names later in the month. I will let you know if its posted and have the photo here.

Baby oh baby.

You know you never think its going to be you. Its never going to be me who has that horrible car accident. Its never going to be me who gets divorced. Its never going to be me who loses a child.

In January my younger cousin Jake and his girlfriend Amanda lost their son to SIDS. He was 8 weeks old. I remember hugging them and telling them I would be there if they needed anything. Knowing they would never call on me because what could I offer? I have never been there, don't know how they feel. And really I prayed I never would. Now I am. So much for it will never be me.

I now know how they feel. You can't decide if you should scream, cry, laugh hysterically (because this HAS TO BE A BAD JOKE!) or run in front of a bus. I never thought it would be me. I am losing a child. I was planning a birth a week ago and now I am planning a memorial service. You can never plan for it, never know how you will react.

My son, Jonathan, will come and go with little more than a breath and yet he has touched so many lives. I will forever be grateful for whatever time I have with him, however long he is in my arms.

I think the things I struggle with the most right now are all the unknowns. As a control freak I have a hard time with not knowing and not being able to "take care of it". Will he know for sure we love him? Does he feel any pain? What are the right choices for him? Why?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?! There are no answers. There may never be.