Happy Birthday Jonathan!

Two year ago today I gave birth to my sweet baby, destined to be an angel. Taken from our arms far too soon. We miss you every day sweet boy and wonder how your life would have been. I hope you are happy and safe and watching over us with love. Hugs and kisses from Mommy and Daddy and your brothers.

two years ago

Two years ago today my world changed in an immeasurable way. Two years ago today I got a heart breaking call telling me something was wrong with my baby. They didn't know what. I had a good idea based on the number from the tests they were reading. I called one of my closest friends who ran right over (she lives next door) and she just hugged me while I cried. And cried. I called Zack who came home. We cried together. And cried.

The next day we found out Jonathan had Anencephaly.

Noone prepares you for that phone call. There is no college coarse or book for someone to recommend before it happens. All you can do is look at the shattered mess of your life around your feet and attempt to pick up the pieces and go on. I don't know how we have done it but two years later I can look back and say that we have survived. I look at his pictures and think of Jonathan every day and every day my heart still breaks. I see the things Jaxon is doing and wonder what stage Jonathan would be at if he were alive and able to play with his brothers. I still feel the great loss.

Two years ago today we were a great gift that was Jonathan's life. He was so strong. He had absolutely no reason to live and yet he did. Against ALL odds, he lived almost 3 hours. He gave us the gift of love and our love for him. He brought our family closer to each other and to so many people around us. I have never felt so loved as I did when I think of the time around his pregnancy and delivery. Thank you all who were there every step of the way and to those who still stand next to us in this life. We wouldn't want to do it with out you.

Jonathan Belly Photos

Jonathan Birth and Life

(search baby Jonanthan or Jonathan for the rest of the posts. First post starts August 6, 2008)

Guardian Angel

I am sure that little orb can be explained away by anyone willing to try and explain the positioning of the sun... blah blah blah. But I'd rather think that these family pictures of us camping two weeks ago are truly family pictures and Jonathan joined us for the weekend.
I have 3 more photos with the exact same orb.

House update and such.

We got the paperwork the next day for the home loan modification. We sent everything in by the deadline (5 days), though we did not delay and sent it in the day after we got it. Everything looks good. As long as we make the probationary payments for 3 months, it will get rewritten as our new loan. Yay! So happy to have that weight off our chests. :)

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This last Thursday marked 27 weeks into this pregnancy. It is officially longer than I was pregnant with Jonathan.

It was a bit of a mixed blessing day. I think I may be MORE anxious now than I was before that date. (if that is possible) I have learned first hand there are no guarantee's in life and until I hold this little boy in my arms I will not breath easy. If I don't feel him for a few hours, I panic. still. Even though I know he likes to sleep (I am SO hoping that carries over into his life with us)

I have another apt tomorrow, along with the gestational diabetes screen. Joy.
It is nice to have the heartbeat as confirmation.

I have finally started to work on the nursery for "hotdog." I went to a baby resale event at the fair grounds last weekend and found this

bumper. It was only $5!! I didn't find the quilt though, kind of a bummer. I am hoping it will pop up on ebay for cheap at some point. Zack put me on a spending freeze until we make sure we are ok for the mortgage though so while I pine for the quilt, I'm told it has to wait. :)
(insert sarcasm here- I know I have to wait, just whining!)
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I has been lovely how many doors have opened back up since the phone call about the house. Not only can I now work on the baby's room (cause he has one!), I can finish Grayson's mural and add all the animals that have been on hold until we knew more. We can work on the house and finish paint that has been on hold as well. So many things I am excited for again! Its a little hard to think about it all because we put it out of our minds for so long and mentally detached from the house so long ago. Its amazing how much and how little 4 walls can mean to a person.

I for one am very thankful for the life we have. No matter the ups and downs we have faced in life and in the last few years, I know we will always end up okay.

Jonathan's Birthday dinner

Jonathan's birthday was like any other day except in my head and on my Facebook page. In my head, a range of thoughts flooded my memories of this time last year. Thoughts about Jonathan's labor, his birth and his very short life. And all the people he touched. In the weeks before I delivered I had a record number of people reading this blog. Everyone was amazingly supportive and loving.

Thank you again!

So tonight, after work we came home and made dinner together as a family. We made

Pepper Steaks with Blackberry Glaze

Glaze:
1/2 cup blackberry jam (I use homemade of coarse)
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
Steaks:
3 t ground pepper
4 (4 oz) strip steaks (we used Top Sirloin)
1/2 cup fresh or frozen blackberries, thawed

In a small saucepan, combine Glaze ingredients. Cook over med heat until melted and combined. Stir constantly... or whenever you think of it if you are like me. :)

Rub pepper onto both sides of steaks. Place on broiler pan. Broil 4-6 inches from heat for 7-10 minutes or until of desired doneness, turning once halfway through cooking. To serve, spread with glaze and top with berries.

We also had fresh asparagus, garlic bread and salad. Yum.
We ate our yummy dinner while talking about our little boy and trying to help Grayson understand.

Grayson and I had stopped at Bliss cupcake bakery for some cupcakes. I had planned on baking them but I ran out of time and energy. Grayson picked out Cherry Chip Bliss.

This is him begging to eat them after dinner, well his anyway, we were still eating.

After we enjoyed our cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to Jonathan a few times, we sat down and looked at the photo collage I had made last Christmas of J's birth. Grayson asked who everyone was and all about Jonathan. I know he doesn't really get it, but until he is older all we can do is help him to try and understand.

Something we are still trying to do every day.

Grumpy

GRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrumpy. That is what I am this afternoon. I get that it is probably par for the course but I am just angry today. I am so tired of pretending I am not pregnant in public so people won't ask me or congratulate me. I want to be excited about my baby, I want to be happy that I am pregnant. And granted I do cherish every second we have him but sometimes its just too much to think about.

I just spent two hours at the park with some friends and some acquaintances. The friends know what is going on. The rest don't. So there I sit in a tight top and warm up pants cause when I left I didn't feel like changing into something else that covered better. Lately I go out in public with a big puffy vest on so that you can't see what is under it for sure. So there I sit, slumped over so it just looks like I am fat. I don't want to tell them I am pregnant. I don't want to tell them he will die. I don't want more well wishes. I just want my baby!

The worst I think is the things people say when they don't know what to say but feel compelled to say something anyway. For the record- Say you are sorry and leave it at that. Anything more and you are going to put your foot in your mouth. People mean well they really do so I don't hold a grudge and I have no hard feelings if you are reading this and you are one of the people who said these things, but for the love of Pete! PLEASE don't tell me that God works miracles and just to hope. Um ya, thanks my baby is a miracle but no he is not going to miraculously grow a brain at 6 months gestation and be fine. That is just not going to happen. Yes I am sure he of his diagnosis. I would not take it lying down. And yes, I would get a second opinion if I was unsure. We are not. We have seen 3D ultrasounds, he has no brain. Simple as that and its obvious. Unfortunately, anencephalic babies usually don't form a skull either and sadly he didn't.

I don't mean to be harsh, ungrateful or anything else. I am just angry and grumpy. Off to eat worms.