PILA Month day 29

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

I have learned in the last few years when planning for the future, hope for the best, plan for the worst and enjoy the ride because that is the best you can do. There are no guarantees, just now.

I guess my short term goal is to be the best mother and wife I can be. I know I have a lot of room for improvement in both areas and work daily to do better.

In the next year I would like to (in no order):
1. make our back yard less of an eye sore
2. make and put drapes in our formal living room and dining room
3. get pregnant
4. work things for my etsy site
5. work on the children's scrapbooks

PILA Month day 28

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse

Wallet
keys
a ton of loose receipts
female products... just in case
a few loose candies from the movies the other night
a chapstick
2 lipsticks
camera
old checkbook
coupons
lotion and
a few granola bars

PILA Month day 27

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death

My worst habit has become letting too much time pass between contact with the people I care about while I hide under a rock. Whether it be a neighbor I enjoy chatting with or a family member I miss and wish I got to chat with more, excuses seem pleantiful since we found out about Jonathan. I don't know if it was THAT phone call that did it in for the phone conversations or what but since then I would prefer almost any form of communication that the phone.

I am finding it easier to get out and about as time passes. When I was still pregnant with Jonathan I wanted nothing to do with life outside my house. People would ask me about my pregnancy. "Is it your first" No. "Are you so excited?!"... at which point I was faced with a) dump the whole pile of stinky shit on their feet... NO! MY CHILD IS GOING TO DIE! b) lie and say Yup! Sure am! Meanwhile I am dying inside. or c) avoid. avoid. avoid.

I avoided. It was hard to recover from that habit, but I am trying. If you haven't heard from me in a while know that it is not personal, I am working on it and in the meantime, pick up the phone and CALL ME!!

PILA Month day 22

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.

www.nowIlaymedowntosleep.org

is a wonderful website devoted to people who have lost their infant or any number of tragedies. There is information on just about everything and a forum for grieving parents to talk to other grieving parents and try to make sense of it all. I met many wonderful people in there who were very helpful and kind and loving while we were on our journey with Jonathan. I don't really frequent it anymore but I highly recommend it to anyone who is faced with the death of an infant or child and is looking for a place to reach out to. If they don't have the answer they can at least point you in a direction.

PILA Month day 21

Day 21 - a recipe.

Like a thousand years ago I nannied for a family where both parents worked full time. I was more of a house manager as I made sure the house ran smoothly by hiring workers and cleaners and doing all the groceries and dry cleaning etc. I also cooked for the family most nights. I got this recipe from the mom. We are not friends anymore, sadly. I really liked her in the beginning. It went south after we got too close and I had opinions of my own. (NOTE to nannies: Your boss is NOT your friend. It almost NEVER works out)

Anyway, she used to make this recipe and ask me to as well. Since I can't ask her for it now I found a similar one online and here it is.

Jarlsberg Chicken

• 4 whole boneless chicken breasts (8 breast halves)
• 8 slices jarlsberg cheese
• 1 (10 1/2 ounce) can cream of mushroom soup
• 1/2 cup white wine
• 1/8 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 1/2 cups breadcrumbs
• 1/4 cup butter, melted
• 1/2 lb asparagus, washed and trimmed (optional)

Change Measurements: US | Metric

Directions:

Prep Time: 15 mins

Total Time: 50 mins

1. 1 Place chicken in baking dish.
2. 2 Layer cheese on top.
3. 3 Add asparagus, if desired.
4. 4 Mix the soup, wine, garlic, and pepper.
5. 5 Spread over chicken and cheese.
6. 6 Top with bread crumbs and lastly drizzle with melted butter.
7. 7 Bake at 350 degrees for 35 to 50 minutes (until chicken is done through).

PILA Month day 20

Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.

oops maybe I should finish this here blog post instead of just having it scheduled with nothing in it...

I used to scrapbook. I love it. LoveD is more correct I guess. I started doing quicker versions of what I do when I was in high school and went on a cross country trip with my grandma. I had all these photos and the big idea to do a huge album with them and all the momentos I picked up along with way.

I never finished it.

Others did get finished however. An album for my charges I used to care for, various years of Zack's and my life together. Our wedding album.

I was doing pretty good at keeping up with the scrapbook of our daily lives until Grayson came along. I got a little sidetracked with his album that I wanted to be his first two years of life. I got about 9 months in and got a little sidetracked again. Our family album has not been touched since I was pregnant with G.

I went to craft night with some friends last night and realized as I worked on Grayson's album that I may be avoiding my albums. If I finish G's album I have Jaxon's and well at some point I have Jonathan's. That one is painful to remember. It is hard enough to look back at my blog and read what I was going through but to put it on paper (which takes WAY longer) and make it a hard copy, well, I just don't think I am ready.

Losing a child changes who you are. It changes your thinking and it changes you in ways you may never know until they pop up sometime later. Like this. Who knew it would affect my scrapbooking? But it has.

PILA Month day 19

Day 19 - a talent of yours.

I probably have a few running around. Singing? hmmm, nope that's not it. I sound so horrible I scare small children... okay not that bad. I have never made small children cry. Though I was once told "Jaimey, please don't sing" When I was singing in the car with my charges once. I think that might have been more about my hogging the song than my actual voice though. Either way.

Singing is NOT my talent.

Organization? Have you seen laundry mountain? Nuff said. It's actually HIGHer today.

Sewing! Yes, I think that is the one I want to claim. Here is this post, I just posted last night but wrote in April. ooops. Though I don't know if it's talent more than a passion and a genetic probability given my mom and grandma and many of my aunts sew.

a cloth diaper order I did recently for a friend

burpies and a boopy cover for Amelia

PILA Month day 18

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
When I got married 9 years and 2 months ago (today) it was the happiest day of my life. (I have since had children, love you honey but they win. ) I digress. I had dreamed of my wedding, like most little girls, my whole life. I knew I wanted a bit white dress and in the dream wedding I wanted to be barefoot on the beach. We almost had that dream wedding but we traded it for the wedding of OUR dreams but having the person marry us the Zack wanted. He would only do it indoors so as not to lose the meaning and words in the wind. It was a lesson in compromise that has served me well. Marriage is just that. A compromise. It is never about just one of you again. It is about 2 of you, then 3 then 4 and so on... I am happy that I married the man I did. Marriage isn't perfect, but it's not supposed to be. It is forever a lesson in compromise.

PILA Month day 16

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

Is it me or is this a repeat? It just so happens I love music so it's easy for me to pick out a dozen or more songs that make me cry. :) I love this song by pink but so much more so after I saw this performance.

PILA Month day 15

Day 15 - what you like about your house.

That it's MINE!

That's right!! We officially and for sure get to keep it. (knock on wood... *doing a please-keep-the-fire-hurricanes-earthquakes-etc-away dance*) We have signed everything on the dotted lines and completed our modification. Woohoo!

Thank you to everyone who sent out prayers, warm thoughts, and IRL/virtual hugs along the way! It totally helped!!

Beyond that obvious point, I really love my neighbors. I wish one hadn't moved away, ahem! It's not too late to move back... but aside from that we really do have a great neighborhood of people. I also like the set up and way it's layed out. It flows well for us.

Now if it just came with a housekeeper, it's smidge too big.

PILA Month day 14

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

I can't say I have read a non- fiction book. I read many a blog that are meaningful to me though, so I will share some of those. Like Boo, she is my friend who recently lost two of her 5 kiddos in a house fire. She is one of the most amazing woman I have had the pleasure to know. Or Krista, you may remember her to be one of the most instrumental people in my navigating through our journey with Jonathan. She lost her baby, Candace, to Anencephaly a year and half before us. Or Bakerella. Her cake pops make my mouth water and my creative juices burst. So cute!

I guess the point is that all off these people have meaning to me because they help me heal and keep my mind focused.

PILA Month day 13

Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

I picked up Jodi Picoult novels not long after we lost Jonathan. Some were harder to read than others. All of her stories are about "real" people and the choices they make in their lives. They have to choose between the best friend that accidentally killed their child or honoring the child that is gone. Or having another child to create a ready-made donor for your existing sick and dying child. Never easy choices. Never cut and dry.

I identified with them, though the stories were not the same because with Jonathan we had to choose. When we found out at 17 weeks that something was wrong with Jonathan and the next day what was wrong, we had to decide. To terminate or to carry. Everyone faced with choices of this nature think they have all the answers before the question is asked and then you get there and the answer is just not as clear cut as you once though it to be.

PILA Month day 11

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
I remember thinking when I was a kid that I was never going to get to be a grown up. 16 seemed sooo far off, driving a car?! oh my gosh! Being a mom?! FOR-E-VER away!

And now 16 has come and gone a HALF a lifetime ago. Literally. I could cry I feel so old! Life feels like it is in warp speed, racing past me. How do I slow this ride down?! I don't want off I just want to slow it enough to watch and enjoy a little. I feel like by the time I realize it something is over. :( My dad says it only gets faster! Whose idea was that? I think we should boycott.

PILA Month day 10

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

As this photo says this was taken in 1997. The year I graduated high school. This is two of my dearest friends. Both I have been friends with since kindergarten. 26 years. WOW.

Belle, the middle one, used to visit her dad on San Diego. He lived right on the bay so when she was in town we would have sleep overs and get together for a weekend. Typical girls weekend in the teen years. Lots of pillow fights and ripping our clothes off stupid movies, junk food and shopping. And the beach. I love the beach. The salty air, the seagulls- well I guess I could live without those, the people watching. Especially in a place like Mission Beach. It is a hot spot for people watching. "Ken" is a good example of this. He would roller skate by almost every weekend as we sat on the deck watching the bay.

Bonnie, on the right, moved to Washington when we were 14 and is one of the prime reasons we moved here. Her family helped raise me. We grew up on the same street and I was at her house many nights and weekend through most of my childhood.

This photo makes me happy. I was so excited for the rest of my life. I had friends I could trust (still do). And looking at this photo you would think everything could be perfect. But it wasn't. I know looking at this photo that I was in a very tumultuous relationship that often bordered on abusive. I had no real idea how I was going to leave. I obviously figured that part out, and how to avoid those types of people. I think I learned from all that people watching on the beach.

Looking at this photo makes me happy for my life now. I wouldn't trade this for all the youthful ignorance for anything in the world. I might pay a little to have that body back though...

PILA Month day 9

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

See that little spot on the roof? I think that is my angel baby. I always feel him with me and some this confirms it for me.

Camping at Silver falls 2010.

PILA Month day 8

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

I love this photo of me, and yet it is bittersweet. I had this photo taken when I went to the photographers studio to pick up the disk of Jonathan's only and last photos. Weeks after it was promised. I went to get the disk. I had my photo taken because it would have been a wasted trip other wise.

She "forgot" the disk. (actually, she later accidentally slipped that she had never even burned it)

I had this photo taken and a few cute-ish ones of Grayson. I ended up having to PAY to have this photo taken. $25 because it was supposed to be to for charity if you showed up for the event at the studio.

Again to get a forgotten disk was the only reason I was there...

I was supposed to get a 5x7 print for my money. I emailed the photographer numerous times to get my photo after I was told I had to pay because I showed up that night.

DISK?!

I my emails were mostly never returned.

My check was cashed- QUICK.

I finally got a hold of her and told her I wanted a 5x7 of THIS photo, not the ones of G, they were cute but I LOVE this photo. I got TWO in the mail MONTHS later of G, with a note saying how sorry she was for the wait. (18 months?!) and here was two for my trouble...

Of the WRONG photo. I still, 2 years in a few weeks, have not gotten this one. I lifted it from her website when I had the chance because sadly I knew this would happen. I am not going to slander her but I would never use her again. Or recommend her. Sad really, she could be good.

Just horrible customer service and business skills.

I did get the disk, eventually. The day OF my babies memorial after my dear friend who was supposed to have done the photos to begin with (she was shooting a wedding out of state when I planned the induction and I didn't realize until too late) went TWICE to try and coax a disk from the photographer. My friend still had to edit them all and turn them into a slide show for the memorial.

So ya, that photo makes me Angry and Sad. But I'm not bitter...

PILA Month day 7

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

My favorite photo of late is the one published a few days ago of Jax on the potty. I just love all his little rolls and his little pointer on his other hand. CUTE!

And then there is this one. Three of my favorite people in this world. I can't imagine a day without them.

PILA Month day 6

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you

1. looking into the eyes of my children (except when they have the crazy look- then I run)
2. long snuggley hugs from my hubby
3. quiet
4. sewing
5. music
6. gardening
7. crossing things off my lists
8. my home being MINE (more on that later)
9. caramel tea
10. knowing my own heart
11. the rain
12. rocking and nursing Jax
13. knowing I have safe girlfriends I trust (PGL- amen)
14. a clean house
15. the house alarm
16. a good book though I only have time to read in the bathroom- there I said it
17. a nice dinner
18. the farmers market with my family
19. routine
20. Zack having a job (last but not least!)

other than the first two, in no particular order.

PILA Month day 5

Day 5 - your favorite quote.

This one is hard.

"Life is not a guarantee and tomorrow is not a promise"

is one of my favorites. It gets me through the day to day. I try to take each day as it comes and enjoy it. Another one is

"Don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff".

I fall short often on this one but it's always in the forefront of my mind. Though I do usually have a glass is half full outlook I let things get to me that I shouldn't.

I was given quite a few opportunities recently to do good. A few friends in need and finally we are in a position to be able to help others instead of being the ones in need. It feels good to help pay it forward and it helps to put things in perspective. And there have been a few times where it has been very hard for me to take the high road. Someone puts something so horribly offensive on the internet about those close to me and I want to lash out, but at the end of the day those saying such lies are not worth the air they breath and I won't waste my time. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff.

And it's all small stuff.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I am not very good at this whole blogging thing lately. Good thing I am not getting paid for it! I would be fired for sure. But this month is near and dear to my heart for two (or three) reasons. 1. It is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness month. 2. It is Jonathan's birthday on Saturday (3. It is my dear hubbies birthday next week.) I sadly didn't get the memo either and when I saw Melissa starting it I decided to play along too. Though I think I may have very boring answers. :)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Guess noone noticed there are 31 days in October? :)
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Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
The song that got me through is Broken by Lindsey Haun. I don't know why but the lyrics "when you are broken in a million little pieces and every tear falls for a reason, don't stop believing..." just helped somehow. Even now, I can listen to that song and am immediately finding out about Jonathan and going through those 10 weeks of knowing while he kicked around inside me. And his birth and the recovery. I don't know that I will ever recover, whatever that means but I do know this song will always be the soundtrack for that time of my life.



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Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Actually, I am not much of a movie watcher but the movie that I can watch time and time again and it gets me through whatever I am going through is Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. It basicly reminds me that no matter what choices you make and how many twists life takes somethings are just meant to happen and they happen for a reason.



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Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

And this is where my answers go awry. :) Pretty much any guilty mild numbing pleasure that was available I succumbed to. I have watch General Hospital off and on (mostly on) since I was 5, that I remember but probably younger! Sadly, It reminds me that there are people who have it worse, even if those ones are fake. I also love Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Life Interrupted... you name it I probably like it.

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Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

Who can read? I could not read anything but google searches for the longest time. I was given books about grief and loss and other people who went through similar things but to be honest I still have not picked them up. I read blogs. Read time. Real people. I have 2-3 books I have been reading for a while...