Tonight while I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner Faith Hill's song Breathe came on my iPod. It's OUR song. I started thinking about all the things we have been through in our 8 year 8 month marriage. We have lost jobs, ended careers, started fresh in a new state, given birth to three beautiful little boys, made new friends, said good bye to those who hurt us, bought and sold homes and so much more.
And every day I fall in love a little bit more.
I looked out the window and watched him outside with Grayson. He is such a great father. Loving his boys and teaching them. Rarely does he loose his patience. He plays with them on the floor, even when his back hurts. He reads to them even when he just read that book 5 minutes ago. And he loves being a dad.
I will never forget what my dad said to me when I told him we were engaged and getting married the next summer. He said I was in love with the idea of being in love. And the tone was all it took. I knew he didn't really approve. At the time I was pretty hurt by those comments. I knew what I was doing of coarse because I was 21 and knew everything. But with time I came to see I was in love with the idea of being in love. That's not to say I wasn't in love with Zack, I was. I am. And honestly, now, if my child came to me and told me they were getting married after 2 months of dating I would probably say something similar.
I was in love with the idea of being in love. I loved the idea of being in a stable loving relationship and being happy. I had been in a few long term relationships before Zack. Two for about 2 years and another very tumultuous relationship that was off and on for 6 years. But none of those came close to being what I needed for forever. I knew that. I was in those relationships and it was almost as if I was watching from the outside, seeing all the mistakes I was making. Repeating my parents history with more than one guy I was with. I knew that was not the life I wanted. My parents relationship was a disaster at best. And close to 30 years of it. That's a long time to be miserable. I didn't want that for myself.
So of coarse I was in love with the idea of being in love.
It's not easy. Every day is a choice to be together. Everyday is a choice to love and do our best. And we are not always on target, sometimes we fall short. We are a work in progress after all, both together and as separate people.
That's what no one tells you. That marriage is hard. I guess it should be obvious but with a 50% divorce rate, I don't think I am the only one who didn't really know. No one tells you that babies aren't always sweet and cuddly either. Or that sex becomes an after thought with children in the single digit age bracket, so for the record, there's that.
Even with all that, I love him more every day. We will be married 9 years this summer and as I look around my life and my happy home with my boys, I know that this is exactly right where I am supposed to be and that is amazing.
And every day I fall in love a little bit more.
When I got married 9 years and 2 months ago (today) it was the happiest day of my life. (I have since had children, love you honey but they win. ) I digress. I had dreamed of my wedding, like most little girls, my whole life. I knew I wanted a bit white dress and in the dream wedding I wanted to be barefoot on the beach. We almost had that dream wedding but we traded it for the wedding of OUR dreams but having the person marry us the Zack wanted. He would only do it indoors so as not to lose the meaning and words in the wind. It was a lesson in compromise that has served me well. Marriage is just that. A compromise. It is never about just one of you again. It is about 2 of you, then 3 then 4 and so on... I am happy that I married the man I did. Marriage isn't perfect, but it's not supposed to be. It is forever a lesson in compromise.
