PILA Month day 18

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
When I got married 9 years and 2 months ago (today) it was the happiest day of my life. (I have since had children, love you honey but they win. ) I digress. I had dreamed of my wedding, like most little girls, my whole life. I knew I wanted a bit white dress and in the dream wedding I wanted to be barefoot on the beach. We almost had that dream wedding but we traded it for the wedding of OUR dreams but having the person marry us the Zack wanted. He would only do it indoors so as not to lose the meaning and words in the wind. It was a lesson in compromise that has served me well. Marriage is just that. A compromise. It is never about just one of you again. It is about 2 of you, then 3 then 4 and so on... I am happy that I married the man I did. Marriage isn't perfect, but it's not supposed to be. It is forever a lesson in compromise.

Just Breathe

art work by a dear family friend Tom Voss

I remember it like it was yesterday and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. I was so excited and so nervous. I was about to walk down the aisle. All I could think was just breathe! The rest will come. This was it.

Forever.

I couldn't believe it. I was getting married. I remember thinking that morning what this really meant to me. I knew it meant I got the privilege of loving this man for the rest of our lives. Of growing old together on our front porch in our rockers.

We are a ways of from that still but the last 9 years have been amazing. Not only in good ways but we have come through the bad and difficult stronger and more secure in ourselves and our marriage. And it has been a privilege loving Zack. He is sweet and kind, generous and smart. He works hard for our little family and is the strength that supports us. I love you honey!

Thank you every day and especially today from the depths of my soul, for being my husband and loving me.

Happy 9 year Anniversary!

Guardian Angel

I am sure that little orb can be explained away by anyone willing to try and explain the positioning of the sun... blah blah blah. But I'd rather think that these family pictures of us camping two weeks ago are truly family pictures and Jonathan joined us for the weekend.
I have 3 more photos with the exact same orb.

Love a little bit more

Tonight while I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner Faith Hill's song Breathe came on my iPod. It's OUR song. I started thinking about all the things we have been through in our 8 year 8 month marriage. We have lost jobs, ended careers, started fresh in a new state, given birth to three beautiful little boys, made new friends, said good bye to those who hurt us, bought and sold homes and so much more.

And every day I fall in love a little bit more.

I looked out the window and watched him outside with Grayson. He is such a great father. Loving his boys and teaching them. Rarely does he loose his patience. He plays with them on the floor, even when his back hurts. He reads to them even when he just read that book 5 minutes ago. And he loves being a dad.

I will never forget what my dad said to me when I told him we were engaged and getting married the next summer. He said I was in love with the idea of being in love. And the tone was all it took. I knew he didn't really approve. At the time I was pretty hurt by those comments. I knew what I was doing of coarse because I was 21 and knew everything. But with time I came to see I was in love with the idea of being in love. That's not to say I wasn't in love with Zack, I was. I am. And honestly, now, if my child came to me and told me they were getting married after 2 months of dating I would probably say something similar.

I was in love with the idea of being in love. I loved the idea of being in a stable loving relationship and being happy. I had been in a few long term relationships before Zack. Two for about 2 years and another very tumultuous relationship that was off and on for 6 years. But none of those came close to being what I needed for forever. I knew that. I was in those relationships and it was almost as if I was watching from the outside, seeing all the mistakes I was making. Repeating my parents history with more than one guy I was with. I knew that was not the life I wanted. My parents relationship was a disaster at best. And close to 30 years of it. That's a long time to be miserable. I didn't want that for myself.

So of coarse I was in love with the idea of being in love.

It's not easy. Every day is a choice to be together. Everyday is a choice to love and do our best. And we are not always on target, sometimes we fall short. We are a work in progress after all, both together and as separate people.

That's what no one tells you. That marriage is hard. I guess it should be obvious but with a 50% divorce rate, I don't think I am the only one who didn't really know. No one tells you that babies aren't always sweet and cuddly either. Or that sex becomes an after thought with children in the single digit age bracket, so for the record, there's that.

Even with all that, I love him more every day. We will be married 9 years this summer and as I look around my life and my happy home with my boys, I know that this is exactly right where I am supposed to be and that is amazing.

And every day I fall in love a little bit more.

Hotdog and Hams

Jax a dot

I can't believe he was this tiny! (more on that later)
These were taken at just over 6 weeks old while we were at our Breast Feeding support group.

ahhh. so sweet.

Amazing!

Have you ever had a day where one phone call changed your entire life? I have. A few.
And today was another. I left my phone in the car when I went to a friends for a play date and when I got back in I checked messages.

2 texts from Zack:
1. no need to pack
2. we get to keep the house.


I immediately called, because UM WHO SAYS THAT OVER TEXT?!
He said Wells Fargo called today and while nothing is signed yet and for sure... it looks like
we GOT THE MODIFICATION!

YES that is me screaming! I am so excited!!!
Its a payment that we can afford, not easily and it will be tight for a while, but who cares!
Apparently, they dropped the interest rate (from 6% to 2%) and extended it to 40 years and forgave a large chunk of the loan.

So thank you Wells Fargo.
I am very Thankful for the light at the end of the tunnel of this long long road we have been on.
I am very appreciative of all the love and moral support we have received from those around us. We could not have gone through the last 2 years without you all.

And as quickly as my life was turned upside down by a phone call, it was restored by one.
Full circle.

TVG- Photo of the Day

Alright Village Green girls- here is my POD!

The rest of you. A group of my friends all challenged each other to photograph our house as if it were to be put in a magazine. Any magazine we choose.

I choose Home.
Home is where the heart is.

Above my kitchen sink. It makes me happy to look at these plants every day.

Missing my baby today

Maybe its because the wound is still so fresh. Maybe its because we are getting ready for the memorial. Maybe its because you never really get over it but I feel like crap right now. I miss my baby. My arms are empty and while I love Grayson and he fills my heart with such joy, there is still this hole in my heart and in my arms and in my life.

Jonathan is missing. I had him in my arms for a brief second and then he was gone. Gone forever. I will never get to hold him again, never get to smell him again. Never get to feel his fingers against my lips as I kiss them. Its so hard to bring those memories to the forefront of my mind. They seem like dreams. It happened so fast, too fast for me to lock them away.

I know many of you reading this have been through this, some of you very recently like me. I am sorry for your loss and know the pain you must feel too. My heart breaks every time I look at the photos around my house of the little boy that will never be, and know that you feel the same. I am sorry you are with me in this pain, sorry that your arms are empty too and yet I feel so much less lonely knowing I am not going through this alone.

I wake up sometimes in the night. I realize that there is no one to get up to nurse, there is no one who is crying for me. It is silent, too silent.

Happy 30th Birthday Zack!

Today is Zack's 30th birthday. Poor guy had to work today so when he got home we had his favorite meal waiting for him~ Round Steak and rice, a Cajun dish. (funny side note- when we were first married I tried to make it and was told how but was not told how much of the key ingredient to actually use. I was told "you can't use too much Tony Chachere's so just dump it in until it looks right." Mind you I had only seen it once at that point so right was all relative. And apparently you CAN use too much. It was inedible.) Melissa also made a delicious Jello Poke Cake. It's a favorite from their childhood.

Then it was on to presents. Grayson and I had bought him a ring with an inscription on the inside that said "Best Daddy GA JM (and room for another babe or two. :) It doesn't photograph well, unfortunately. We also got him a framed 8x 10 of Jonathan and a lovely little poem and cut outs of Jonathan's feet. I just love that photo and so does Zack.

Zack's mom gave him some lovely sentimental things as well, Jesse gave him the DVD's of Prison Break and Melissa gave him an Ooh Ooh which is Grayson's name for the monkey that Jonathan gave him and us. We also had Jonathan cremated with his so he would not be alone. But I have been hogging the one that Zack and I have so Melissa felt he needed his own. He is very cute isn't he?
And now we are playing Wii bowling that my dad bought us recently. We love Wii. We are still trying to master bowling and some are better than others (rude). I am working on it... okay!

Happy Birthday to my Dear Sweet Amazing husband!