A little Update.

I said I would do a bit of an update so I guess I will start here. This last year has been great. If you are a long time reader you know of the struggles our family has been through in the last few years. We have lost a business, lost a child, filed and completed a bankruptcy and lived to tell about it. Zack got a great job, with a company out of Minnesota and working from home. He also does some business consulting on the side. He is enjoying it and ends are meeting and that is a good feeling.

The boys are growing up well. Grayson is in Kindergarten and loving his sweet teachers and his full day dual language program (Spanish/ English). He is sucking learning up like a little sponge and it's amazing to watch. He loves the colors black and blue and has preferred black shirts and skinny jeans since he was old enough to voice it. My emo kid before he even knows what emo is. LOL. He enjoys drawing, play with his legos, learning to read and write and to spend time outside with his friends. He is also a very sweet big brother.

Jaxon is newly 3 and loves to do everything himself. We just registered for preschool in the fall and he is very excited about that. He loves to do everything Grayson is doing and then some. He loves to color, play with blocks and ride bikes and play in the sand. He is pretty emotional at this stage and is often angry about being told no. (Today he told me he wanted a new mommy cause I am mean for turning off the tv. Awesome)

Torin, our sweet youngest is 17 months old and climbs like he is 3. That child is giving me grey hair! If we leave one chair at the dining room table pulled out his radar kicks in and he is in the middle of the dining room table before you can exhale and turn around. He can climb the stairs faster than lightening if the gate is left open. He is equal parts love baby and demon and we love his giggles and snuggles. He enjoys his brothers and every toy they might think they want to play with. ;) He also loves his baby doll and to read books. He hands me books to read all.day.long.

I have been busy with various sewing projects, both for our family and home and with LoveyDoodle. I am currently working on custom ruffles for the Gift of Love gDiaper which is the diaper Ecomom did with gDiapers to benefit Hand to Heart International. It is the sweetest diaper with X's and O's all over it. And I must say ruffles make it about the cutest thing on the planet. I also attempt to keep up with my house (why bother, cleaning while you have small children is like shoveling snow while it's snowing... and I hired a cleaner this year to come twice a month.) and my children.

Overall, things have been pretty good. Which is why it is interesting to me that I struggle so much. I have been through some very hard things in my life and NOT been depressed or medicated through most of them. For me, it's the daily life that is often the hardest. The screaming, fighting children that make my ears bleed. The silly fights with my husband over nothing. The piles of laundry and dishes that seem endless. The angry HOA letters over a stupid weed. Those things pile and pile and pile on my shoulders making it feel like an impossible weight. One would think that after losing a child, the rest would be easy. 

One would be wrong. 

From Jaimey to Mommy in 4.2 seconds

I just looked down a realized my leg hair is probably longer than my husbands. Hot. If you are in to that, that's cool but I am not. Er, never was.

Somewhere along the way, I went from Jaimey to Mommy. It happens to the best of us, in the blink of an eye and before you know it, only shreds of your former self remain. I SWORE it would never happen to me. I would never get lost in my marriage, never be the slave to my kids and my role as mommy and wife. It's one of the reasons I hyphenated my last name. Marriage was an addition to my life, not a hostile take over.

And yet, here I sit with mile-long-leg hair. My hair in a perpetual Mommy-tail and frumpy cozy clothes after the kids go to bed, folding mountains and mountains of laundry. The sea of tiny clothing, begging to be put on tiny squishy bodies. Bodies that came from mine that I would give my life for, that as a mommy you put on this earth and it's as if your entire soul is walking away from your body with a mind of it's own and free will. You will feel every hurt they feel, every achievement and in that time you teach them and hope that you taught them everything they need to know.

So while I swore I would never be that woman, the woman who loses herself in her family I realize that I have and I am. And man am I happy I did. I could not be happier about my choice to be a mom. I love my life and my kids, through every tear and laugh. With mile long leg hair and my perma Mommy-tail and mountains of laundry. I am good with it.

I'm alive

I can always tell when I have been away too long. Thank you for Melissa for calling me out of hiding. :) I am fine. All is well. I am currently 33 weeks pregnant and the bean is fine. He is another boy, not sure if I updated that before I wandered off... Apparently we only make boys.

Anyway, Zack's job is going well. He has been working a lot of hours and we miss him. I keep joking that we are going to name the baby Jim after his boss, since he is always with the guy. He doesn't think I am funny somehow. Honestly, I am just thankful he has a job and that we have less stress on that end.

I am still staying at home with the boys, struggling to keep it somewhat clean as they work their messy magic in circles around me. I heard it said once that cleaning while you have young children is like shoveling snow while it is snowing. I firmly believe this. Unfortunately, you can't stop either, then it just get completely out of hand. So I just keep on trucking and then at the end of the day curl up in the fetal position and rock, hoping when I open my eyes the mess will be gone. Hasn't worked for the record.

Beyond that, life is calm. We are enjoying our mild summer. I just smile when people complain that Oregon isn't sunny right now. We have had rain all week. I just say my little prayer to the Universe that it isn't hot and boiling and say KEEP it COMING! Sorry friends, it's me, I admit it. I keep the sun at bay! :)

I will try to check in soon. If I can get out of my fetal position more often.

Songs for life

I noticed a long time ago that I have always attached a song to a memory. For some people it's the smells around the event, for some it's the background sights and sounds. But for me its always the song. Which really isn't a surprise as music has always been a part of my life. Not that anyone in my family is particularly musically inclined but we all seem to enjoy it.

When I was a little kid, 4-5 maybe, I remember dusting the furniture with pledge dancing my little self along next to my mom to a Bob Segar album. Does anyone remember what an album is? I vaguely might. Anyway, ever since "Against the Wind" has been forever etched in my brain as the theme song for that part of my life.

Later, when I was in junior high school there was always school dances on Friday nights. I fondly remember hanging with my gal pals, girls on one side of the room boys on the other just like on t.v. dancing to "Baby got Back" and "Nothing Compares to You" by Sinead O'Conner as one of us ran to the bathroom in tears over the current boy drama. And there was ALWAYS boy drama.

In high school, I had my first and second real boyfriends and we had our songs. T and I had "Crazy" by Patsy Cline, though I always seem to have the Forest Gump soundtrack in my head when I think of him as well. He worked in a theatre and I saw it 13 times on the big screen. Go figure I guess. S and I... well HAH, I seem to have buried that memory! Go figure. He sucked. :)

Anyway, now life carries many memories (if only I could hold onto them in this swiss chesse brain!) and along with "Breathe" by Faith Hill that is the song for my marriage, we have had "Sounds like Life to Me" for the last year or so. Well that is the one I was using in my head, Zack was using something far more negative. As I sit here with Zack snoring on my left and Jax snoring on my right and Gray finally asleep, in his room in our house, I realize life is pretty darn good and "Life after You" may stick as our new one.

What is your song?

*Update* Fall from Grace

Yesterday Zack made all appropriate calls to the lawyer(s) etc who is handling the wage garnishment. They were able to stop the bank account one, which would have yielded little anyway since we wiped it out, but they were not able to stop my Target wages from being garnished. I guess they can only take a certain portion (anything over $170 a week is fair game I guess) So for 90 days I will watch as they take part of my check.

Don't get me wrong. Its not like we don't want to pay our debts. They are ours after all. But unfortunately, unless I win the lottery it just isn't going to happen right now. We can not afford to pay the bills from the failed business and life during Zack's (previous) unemployment and live our life with heat, water and food. We just can't. So after 90 days we will work out a payment plan, which we tried to do but because the garnishment was already in place we were unable to do.

I am feeling better the last 2 days. Not exactly hopeful but better. I know I have many things to be thankful for. Many blessings that are HUGE. I totally know that. But sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel seems SO far off!

I was thinking yesterday about how at the beginning of 2009 everyone (friends family and random readers alike) were commenting that 2009 was going to be our year and it was going to be so much better... and that was a YEAR ago!!! I can't even believe it. Where did the year go? REALLY? WHERE?! I have no idea. I know when I think back I know I lived it (or worked it away I am not sure more of which) but really, how did that happen so fast?

I feel like I was sleep walking through 2009.

House update and such.

We got the paperwork the next day for the home loan modification. We sent everything in by the deadline (5 days), though we did not delay and sent it in the day after we got it. Everything looks good. As long as we make the probationary payments for 3 months, it will get rewritten as our new loan. Yay! So happy to have that weight off our chests. :)

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This last Thursday marked 27 weeks into this pregnancy. It is officially longer than I was pregnant with Jonathan.

It was a bit of a mixed blessing day. I think I may be MORE anxious now than I was before that date. (if that is possible) I have learned first hand there are no guarantee's in life and until I hold this little boy in my arms I will not breath easy. If I don't feel him for a few hours, I panic. still. Even though I know he likes to sleep (I am SO hoping that carries over into his life with us)

I have another apt tomorrow, along with the gestational diabetes screen. Joy.
It is nice to have the heartbeat as confirmation.

I have finally started to work on the nursery for "hotdog." I went to a baby resale event at the fair grounds last weekend and found this

bumper. It was only $5!! I didn't find the quilt though, kind of a bummer. I am hoping it will pop up on ebay for cheap at some point. Zack put me on a spending freeze until we make sure we are ok for the mortgage though so while I pine for the quilt, I'm told it has to wait. :)
(insert sarcasm here- I know I have to wait, just whining!)
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I has been lovely how many doors have opened back up since the phone call about the house. Not only can I now work on the baby's room (cause he has one!), I can finish Grayson's mural and add all the animals that have been on hold until we knew more. We can work on the house and finish paint that has been on hold as well. So many things I am excited for again! Its a little hard to think about it all because we put it out of our minds for so long and mentally detached from the house so long ago. Its amazing how much and how little 4 walls can mean to a person.

I for one am very thankful for the life we have. No matter the ups and downs we have faced in life and in the last few years, I know we will always end up okay.

Life Lessons

I got a forward in my email today and while I hate mucking up email boxes with junk mail I love this one. I have seen it before so here it is. Minus all the junk about sending it on to everyone you have ever emailed. J

WORDS TO LIVE BY:

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t belive all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least 6 months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone, the caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.