Today as I got really mad at Grayson for having a pee accident I realized how much my moods are fluctuating lately. I have been a long time sufferer of depression off and on my whole life though I was not diagnosed until a few years ago. After I had Grayson I had Postpartum Depression pretty badly starting about 4 months after his birth. To the point that while I would care for him and spend my days and nights attached to him (literally) I felt so detached from that time. And when he would scream endlessly (colic and reflux) I would feel the anxiety and anger well up in my chest. I wanted to throw him. Luckily I got help. I never hurt my child or myself.
Luckily or unluckily for me many people in my family are sufferers of depression or bipolar disorder. And even more than that have never been diagnosed but I suspect they too have depression tendencies. I say luckily, because long before I was diagnosed I knew what to look for and how debilitating it can be. Also luckily for me, I have never gotten to the point of not being able to get out of bed or function. I get lazy, disinterested, lack enthusiasm, sad and hopeless. And lonely.
That is the worst. How alone one feels when depressed.
While I try to control it myself to the best of my ability sometimes something has got to give. I was completely unmedicated during the entire time we were finding out about and having Jonathan but something lately has shifted. I don't know if its PPD again, pregnancy, the shift of the two at the same time or all the crap stress in my life right now or something else entirely but my head is all wonky again. I finally locked G in his room and me in mine and just cried this after noon.
I was scared. I felt so out of control with him and he had not napped so nothing I said was sinking in no matter how I tried which left me feeling more out of control and flustered. After a brief 10 minutes of both of us in tears, I opened our doors and we cuddled, talked and had a much lovelier afternoon.
I emailed my dr right after that.
Luckily or unluckily for me many people in my family are sufferers of depression or bipolar disorder. And even more than that have never been diagnosed but I suspect they too have depression tendencies. I say luckily, because long before I was diagnosed I knew what to look for and how debilitating it can be. Also luckily for me, I have never gotten to the point of not being able to get out of bed or function. I get lazy, disinterested, lack enthusiasm, sad and hopeless. And lonely.
That is the worst. How alone one feels when depressed.
While I try to control it myself to the best of my ability sometimes something has got to give. I was completely unmedicated during the entire time we were finding out about and having Jonathan but something lately has shifted. I don't know if its PPD again, pregnancy, the shift of the two at the same time or all the crap stress in my life right now or something else entirely but my head is all wonky again. I finally locked G in his room and me in mine and just cried this after noon.
I was scared. I felt so out of control with him and he had not napped so nothing I said was sinking in no matter how I tried which left me feeling more out of control and flustered. After a brief 10 minutes of both of us in tears, I opened our doors and we cuddled, talked and had a much lovelier afternoon.
I emailed my dr right after that.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I will have more patience.
